It’s that time of the year again – Love is in the air! Whether you’re spending Valentine’s Day with another or yourself, the truth is – the most important relationship you’ll ever have will always be – with YOU! There’s no getting away from you and the healthier that relationship is – the healthier all your relationships will be, especially with your romantic partner.

Self-love often gets a bad press but the fact is – the  more you take care of you and enjoy a healthy self-worth, the less needy and demanding you’ll be with others. The more you take responsibility for creating your own happiness, the more happiness you’ll have to share and spread around you.  As Wayne Dyer says, ‘You’ll no longer spend your life looking for the good opinion of others.’   

This Valentine’s I want you to feel great about yourself, whether you’re with a romantic partner or not. I want you to love and appreciate yourself more than you ever have. Why? Because every area of your entire life and every relationship will benefit. Furthermore, the lighter and brighter you feel, the more attractive and charismatic you’ll be to others and more of what you want will come your way. There’s nothing more attractive than confidence and feeling good about yourself revs up your confidence like nothing else. Whilst I’m all for polishing up on the outside (I really am!), it’s the glow from within that really lights you up.

And here’s my Five Steps to encourage you to LOVE YOU!

1. WORK UP SOME SERIOUS APPRECIATION

 You’re probably great at noticing the good in others – but what about you? Grab a sheet of paper and write down, What I really appreciate and admire about me is . . . List at least 5 things before you move on to the next step. Keep this list open so you can add to it as more reasons to appreciate yourself occur. Breathe as you take in the good news and absorb the many great things there are to admire about you.

2. LET IT GO!

 As soon as you start to think about what’s great about you, you’re highly likely to start thinking about what’s not great. There are only two ways to clear out old grudges – the first is to make the decision to forgive yourself. Write down, I am now willing to forgive myself for . . . List at least three things before you move on and keep the list open until you feel you’ve pulled everything out. The second way to clear out a grudge is to atone – to do something that helps make amends for whatever you are unhappy about. What do you need to do to make amend and let yourself move on

3. LOVE YOUR LOOK

  Affirm, I now appreciate my natural attractiveness. Install this programming at the beginning of the day and check every two hours that it’s still in place. Refuse to allow any negative glitches into your mindset. Repeat throughout the day, I look great/wonderful/fabulous – choose the one that feels the most uplifting. Notice, right now, how simply saying this instantly lifts and lightens you. Check out The Star Qualities, written by my client, Caroline Goyder, who works with actors and business leaders. She’s written an entire chapter on the importance of embracing your unique look, rather than wishing you had someone else’s.

4. GO ON A DATE!

 Take yourself out on a date, to a place of your choosing, a gallery, a lunchtime recital, a walk through Hyde Park, whatever appeals. Plan it, put it in your diary and let this be the first of many such occasions. Julia Cameron in the legendary creativity ‘bible’,  The Artist’s Way, calls this, an artist’s date – a sure-fire way to refuel one’s spirit and keep the juices flowing. I believe the artist’s date is vital to keep your spirit inspired and fuelled for life itself, whether you write or paint or simply want to step off the treadmill once a week and spend some quality time in your own inimitable company.  When you enjoy your own company, you’ll never fill the space with other people just to avoid being alone.

5. DON’T SETTLE

 Tell the truth about what you really want and what really matters in your life. Give yourself the gift of going for it. Get a plan, get support, get accountable and get into the driver’s seat of your life. Here’s a wonderful wisdom jewel from the writer, Caroline Myss–  It’s better to want what you don’t have than to have what you don’t want.   Amen to that!

Have a terrific Valentine’s week and whatever you do – Love YOU!

Having a spring in your step, having a sunnier disposition are all phrases taken from nature and translated into a way of being which impacts your attitude to everything you do.

So here’s my question for you,

“If your attitude was contagious, would I want to catch it?”

If your answer is ”No” or “Not sure” in any area of your life, then read on!

It’s your choice

Viktor Frankl, the concentration camp survivor who wrote Man’s Search for Meaning, famously said “Everything can be taken from a man but one thing – to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”

I hope than none of us will ever have our attitudes tested under such outrageous circumstances, but one thing’s for sure, we all have our own personal tests throughout our lives.

So what’s your current attitude to your life? Are you a person who makes things happen, do you watch things happen or do you simply say “what happened” as life passes you by.

Your attitude is the personal choice that you make about how you are going to react and what action you will take in any given situation. Every day stuff is happening to us and around us. Our reaction to what happens and what we make it mean creates our attitude to how we will respond.

Just like choosing what to wear each day, you can choose to “wear” whatever attitude you want.

Yet as a coach, I know that choosing your attitude is the biggest struggle people have. Why? Because it means taking full responsibility for your life, dropping the blame, dropping the guilt, dropping the self-sabotage and deciding on an attitude that gives you the results you want.

Discomfort Zone

I’m pretty sure that you have had a time in your life when you have leapt up and said, “That’s it! I’ve had it, I can’t take it anymore.”  Whatever is going on is just too uncomfortable to live with any longer.   Isn’t it amazing how at that point your attitude changed completely?  Suddenly you found the strength, courage and determination to stand up and say, “I’m worth more than this.” At that moment life changes.

Only when you decide it’s time to expect more for yourself and your life are you ready to take on an unstoppable attitude.  So the question is, how do you get to that place and then stay motivated to sustain it through thick and thin?

Living the dream?

My personal example over the past two weeks may shed some light on this.  For years my vision has always been to own a home by the sea. I want to be able to walk down to a rocky beach and swim in the med and sit on my quiet terrace watching the sunset over the sea, glass of wine in hand.  It’s so clear to me that I can see it and smell it and taste it.  But what kind of an attitude would I need in order to make that dream a reality?

How can I, a single parent, with two expensive teenagers even be selfish enough to pursue my dream?  Things like that don’t happen to people like me. Besides, I’ll never, ever be able to afford it.

With that attitude I knew I would never attain my dream.  My attitude had to change.  It had to be powerful enough to break through any obstacles, it had to be determined enough to find a way and it had to be courageous enough to let me go for it.

So here’s what I did. I held on to my dream. I knew my outcome in detail.  I didn’t know when it would happen exactly, but instinctively I believed I would know when the time was right.  I researched the property market for two years, I worked harder and smarter than I’d ever worked and I rearranged my finances and looked at every possible scenario that might arise.

I took full responsibility for my dream and full responsibility for the impact it would have on others. I created an “I can and I will” attitude which I wore at all times.

And then two weeks ago I went to Majorca and on my second day found my dream home. It was everything I wanted. It had the terrace, the beach the pool, the privacy, the trees, the space, the lot!  I should have been excited, ecstatic and elated.  But suddenly, my unstoppable attitude took me on a roller coaster of emotions that ranged from dizzy to feeling sick, from excitement to sheer terror and culminated in me visiting the loo at every possible opportunity.

The test

What was going on? I could never have predicted nor have even prepared myself for such a rigorous test of my attitude.  For the next 9 days I observed the phenomenon.   My dream had manifested itself; everything was as I had planned it, so how was it that I was lurching from one attitude to another?

By day 10 I had finally figured it out.  It’s not enough to just choose your attitude, you have to commit to it. Not only do you have to ‘wear’ your attitude :it has to fit you like a glove. It has to be part of who you are and you have to live in to it every day of your life.   The moment I was able to create a committed attitude I was able to embrace my dream and go for it. Now there was no turning back.  Whatever the way forward presents, my attitude is that I will handle it.

I also know that as coach, unless I consistently walk my talk in every area of my own life, I cannot expect my wonderful clients to do the same.

Your attitude defines the quality of your life on a minute-by-minute daily basis. Choosing your attitude has the power to bring you fulfilment and happiness or have you looking back at a life half lived.

So what are you waiting for?  How long will you wait to live your dreams?  You have in you huge resources to face any challenge life offers you. Choose your attitude right now, and decide to live life your way!

Five Steps to a Great Attitude

1. Get a clear picture in your mind right now of the results you want to achieve? What dreams do you want to fulfil? How do you want your life to look? “The result/dream I want to achieve is: ”

2. Once you have the picture in your mind, ask yourself: What is my present attitude about achieving this? What attitude would I rather have about this result?

3. Try on this new attitude. Wear it for a while and see how it “fits.” Is it helping to deliver the changes you want?

4. Review the change in you and your circumstances. Do you need to change your attitude or add another attitude?

5. Commit to your new attitude, follow through. Keep choosing your attitude everyday and you will be choosing a future that works for you.

1. Discover You.

Discover your true identity by focusing on what you must have in relationship. Must you have your independence, must you be respected, must you share holidays, must you have the same interests? Make a list of your top five ‘must have values’

2. Make it easier to experience your ‘must have values’.

You don’t have to wait for the right partner to come along to enjoy your ‘must have values’. Phrase your must have values in a way that allows you to experience them regularly, e.g. “Anytime I spend time painting, I experience my creativity” “Whenever I call my best friend, I feel loved”. Use the words “anytime or whenever to enhance your values.

3. What must you avoid most in relationship.

Must you avoid shouting, must you avoid being controlled, must you avoid alcohol, must you avoid being a ‘carer’ or playing some other caring role? Make a list of your top five ‘avoidance values’

4. Make it hard to experience your avoidance values.

Decide that you would have to keep on doing something specific in order to experience the negative. Phrase you avoidance values to enlarge the issue in this way: “As long as I keep on allowing…” I will experience feeling/being/doing…”

5. Don’t collude.

Stop giving people permission to carry on any behaviour that impacts you negatively. Pull them up on it. Let them know its not acceptable to you and why and if they care and respect you enough they will want to stop naturally.

The pressure of finding that elusive soul mate and then sustaining a successful relationship is highlighted once again, and quite honestly can you even be bothered?

The truth is that mastering relationships is still rocket science for many of us. Not only are we searching for Ms or Mr Right, once we have found them, there’s the whole business of keeping them for longer than six weeks.

Passion

Did you know for instance that passion on its own is not enough to keep your love alive? Oh no. Apparently the psychologists are in agreement that the way you cope with conflict in a relationship is the true deciding factor for its longevity.

“You’ve Changed”

What kind of person are you attracted to? What kind of qualities sweep you off your feet only to leave you all swept up a few months down the line. Take a sheet of paper and head it with the name of your last love.  Now divide the rest of the page into three columns.

Head the first column:

• The qualities I was attracted to

Write down all the behaviours and qualities that you were first attracted to. For example

• Funny
• Laid Back
• Warm
• Great dresser

Head the second column:

• What I most enjoyed about these qualities

For example:

• I loved laughing
• I was able to choose what I wanted to do
• I felt “loved”
• I felt proud

Head the third column:

• How I felt about these qualities at the end of our relationship

Examples:

• Not everything is a joke!
• Why do I have to make all the decisions?
• There’s being “warm” and being a flirt
• Clothes do not “maketh the man/woman”

Isn’t it odd that the very things you were attracted to in the first place are often the exact things that make you want to put pins in your eyes in the end.

When I work with individuals and couples in relationship, showing them constructive ways to handle the differences between them is the key to helping them to create lasting love.

The Behaviour

Believe it or not, your partner doesn’t wake up each morning wondering how they can best upset you today. They don’t think ‘Oh it’s Monday, how can I really be a total bitch/bastard today and make my partners life miserable?’ Truly they don’t!

What they do is exhibit a behaviour that you interpret as one which is designed to make your life a misery.

The thing to know is that their behaviour is not about you.  Yes it impacts you, I understand that. But it’s not about you.

99.9% of the way people behave is to do with what’s going on for them. What they want, what they perceive they can’t have and what they believe is happening or might happen to hurt them in some way.

Let me give you an example. Perhaps your partner is scared that you’re thinking of leaving him/her. It’s true that your relationship has been on the rocks for the past few years. You are pretty much living separate lives which you are both unhappy about.

But as yet, you have not sought outside help. Storms are brewing. Your partner wakes up in the morning full of fear and hurt and immediately questions you about whether you actually did you go out with a friend last night.

Their mistrust and interrogation tactics are just too much to listen to first thing in the morning. Plus this type of questioning has been going on for months and is wearing you down.

You retaliate by saying, ‘if you don’t believe me then phone my friend’. This only produces a response of ‘well I expect you’re both in cahoots, so I’ll never really know the truth’ etc etc and battle begins.

The Belief

Is it about you? You’d think so. Actually it’s about them and the hurt and fear that they’re experiencing. You see, when you believe that they are attacking you, your defences go up and you’ll either withdraw (more likely if you are man) or defend verbally (more likely if you are a woman).

Because you believe you are hearing criticism, judgement and mistrust of you, naturally you pull out your guns and shoot from the hip. If you believed that the accusations were about their fears for your relationship and what they perceive will happen if the relationships ends, you might respond differently.

The Response

Your response depends on whether or not you are interested in rebuilding you relationship, or moving towards a finale.

It it’s the latter, I strongly advise that you come clean, stop the fight, put both of you out of your misery and say you want out.

However, if it’s the former and you truly want to alleviate their fears and move towards saving your relationship, find out what’s really bothering them and be empathic enough to just listen – without defending your position.

What you will hear may surprise you and could lead a better quality conversation that enriches your relationship.

.

The ground breaking author and therapist Virginia Satir names communication as an essential element for happy relationships.

Our own wonderful Relationship Coach Francine Kaye knows all about the importance of communicating – that is, talking and listening – and this week, she’s giving us her indispensable Ten Commandments – Love Rules That Work

If you’ve already experienced a relationship breakdown, our course, Relationship Recovery, will coach you from the difficult early days, right back into the dating game.

This package is on introductory offer until October 10th, with 25% off, for all our registered members who have the discount code from our newsletter.

1. Thou shalt always retain thy identity
2. Thou shalt learn how to communicate clearly
3. Thou shalt practise acceptance and understanding of each other
4. Thou shalt have fun together
5. Thou shalt hold the relationship as valuable
6. Thou shalt always be faithful to one another (unless specifically agreed otherwise)
7. Thou shalt experience passion together – at least once a week!
8. Thou shalt spend quality time together, and quality time apart
9. Thou shalt continue to grow mentally and spiritually
10. Thou shalt hold thy partner in high esteem, and wave their flag whenever possible

PS: Thou shall never go to bed on argument

You will want to factor in children, if you have any, your work, your social life, your own time to follow your hobbies and passions as well as your time together with your new partner. When you understand what’s most important to you and what your own boundaries are, then you’ll begin to have an idea of how you want your new relationship to look.

Designing a new relationship that is in alignment with your personal values is a radical act. It takes courage and great communication skills and absolutely everyone can do it. Start thinking out of the box. Ask yourself “if I could design my perfect relationship what would it look like?”

These are my top tips for those setting out to design a relationship that fits perfectly.

1. What’s Non-Negotiable?

Know what qualities you want from your new partner by understanding your own personal values. Must you have a non-smoker who loves animals or a 6ft tall Gemini? What’s negotiable and what isn’t. Once you start compromising what you value most, you’ll attract what you don’t want.

Look for a partner who already has the qualities you are looking for instead of trying to change someone into what you want them to be.

2. Drop the Drama

If you are ready for a new relationship then be ready to drop the drama of your divorce. Everyone has a story and the details can be discussed in time. However, your date is interested in you and you are far more than just your divorce.

3. Communicate

Say what you mean and mean what you say. This is a fabulous opportunity to create a relationship based on clean communication. Start as you mean to continue. Be clear about your boundaries. Let your new date know what’s acceptable behaviour and what isn’t and communicate truthfully and clearly about what works for you and what doesn’t.

Never assume you’ve been understood. People are not mind readers and not everyone sees life as we do. Ask questions that will clarify understanding and avoid upsets.

4. Dating and Children

Dating and children don’t mix in the early stages. Children of divorce need safety and stability.If you must introduce your new relationship to your children, then call him or her ‘my friend’. Children understand what a friendship is, however boyfriend or girlfriend has a different
meaning altogether.You will know when that feels right.Until then, take care of the kids.

5. Let’s Get Physical

When sex is on the cards, be sure you are clear about what you are doing and what it means. Does this herald the beginning of a close and exclusive relationship or is it just a passionate moment for you both?

Have the courage to find out now rather than be disappointed later.

I’ll let her explain:

Sarah’s story

“I’ve felt this moment coming for so long, but instinctively put my sensible head on and coped with it. Except that the feeling, a nagging sense of dread and doubt, just wouldn’t go away, and the more I told myself to snap out of it the stronger it became. The truth is, I’m so bored and detached with my life, and no matter what else I’ve tried, have felt unmoved and depressed by lack of results.

“It wasn’t until I found myself at marriage guidance counselling with David, my husband of 15 years, whom I adore, that I realised I needed to face up to my life and look at it square in the eye. I was petrified!

“The first week I met Mike over a cappuccino and a note pad I had a complete blank. I just didn’t know where to begin, and more than that, if I’m honest, didn’t know whether this was also a big waste of time. Professionally, I’m a pillar. Socially and at home I’m ‘Sarah, oh she can cope with anything.’ I wish I could.

What do you want?

“Even more than that, I wish I could handle contemplating walking away from my present job and re-arranging my whole life. Mike calls it my ‘life MOT.’ He asked me on our first session what I’d really like to do with my life, and I know it sounds silly, but I really don’t know. It’s been so long since anyone asked me that, I can’t actually remember anymore.

“Mike has been wonderful; supportive, understanding, strong and demanding in equal measure, oh and very funny – he really is quite the entertainer! I come away from each session feeling as if a great weight has been lifted. I’m feeling more motivated these past few weeks in a way I haven’t felt, possibly since teenage years. I’m officially discovering life ‘as if for the first time,’ that ‘failure is no longer an option,’ and I’m playing ‘as if’ I already knew all the answers – which of course Mike believes I do.

“We’ve been looking at my self talk, or to be more exact my negative self beliefs. Making a decision to ‘cut the crap,’ i.e. to stop all depreciating or self critical comments I either say or think about myself has become my new life mission of the moment. Equally, I’ve been designing my new mantras and making new rules.

Out with the old

“No more negative chatter at the office (my colleagues aren’t quite sure what’s going on with me at the moment…) - only constructive, positive words to pass my lips, and even more than that to drown out negative or unsupportive thoughts with my new slogan; ‘I truly love and cherish myself’ – which I know sounds very simple and obvious, but to say it over and over and really mean it proved quite a challenge at the beginning.

“What has changed in my life so far? Immediately, I don’t feel panicked all the time. A kind of calm, warm haze has seemed to ascend over my whole life, both at work and at home. Sex has re-entered my life, which is fabulous! (Sorry, Mike said to be honest with what I wrote!)

“I’m still not where I want to be career wise and in various other areas of life, but now I feel it is possible, whereas before the nagging, sinking feeling I couldn’t quite put my finger on was the belief that it wasn’t possible, that this was my lot and I’d just have to make do with it. Now I know that’s not the case, and with that in mind the journey ahead looks a lot more exciting.”

Over to Mike

The simple truth was that Sarah didn’t believe in Sarah. She was effective and successful in her life – but if that had been enough she wouldn’t have been coaching with me. She wanted more, yet believed she couldn’t get it.

Does any of that apply to you?

I asked Sarah to suspend disbelief and imagine herself as a free and vibrant soul, then to brainstorm what she might like to do, but with one important proviso – she couldn’t fail. If you were to make a similar list, what would it include? It can be as wild and crazy as you’d like, since the purpose at this point is to learn to dream again, and as Fiona often reminds us all, to DREAM BIG!!

So, what do you want to do… rollerblade around Africa, glide over beautiful green fields in a hot air balloon, have tea at Ritz, write a best seller? Make a good long list, at least one side of A4.

Sarah’s list included:

• Visit my sister in Australia
• Take flying lessons
• Swim with dolphins
• Write a best selling thriller
• Tell David I love him, whilst having dinner in the snazziest restaurant in LA
• Organise a great family get together on a fabulous sunshine holiday
• Learn Spanish
• Take photos of my favourite wildlife that get published in magazines
• Join a gym, get fit again, drop a dress size and drive David wild!

“Whether you believe you can or you cannot, you’re probably right”
Henry T Ford

Your Turn

What do you believe? Work through my top tips below and seize the moment to begin upgrading your beliefs. Holding on to negative self beliefs equals an uphill struggle.

Whereas positive, self image really does mean that the world really is your oyster. Decide today.

Five Top Tips to Upgrade Your Self-Belief

1. What do you believe about your life?

2. Rate each belief out of 10: 10 being that they are absolutely supportive, 5 that they just ‘exist’ but are not that useful, and 0 meaning that they are completely damaging to your life.

3. If each belief were a perfect 10 how would it affect you?

4. For each negative belief you come up with, what would be the polar opposite, making sure it is stated in the positive, present tense (as if it’s already happening)?

5. Adopt 3 new positive beliefs from this list and make them your mantras for the next week, meaning you will say them to yourself everyday at least 50 times each – in the shower, walking to the station, taking the bus, doing the shopping, daydreaming, nodding off to sleep at night (it’s easier than you think). The point is these new, positive beliefs will become your new, upgraded self talk – version 2005!

Linda’s story is one that unfolded during the early part of our coaching sessions. As she tells us below, her uncomfortable relationship with her mother was quietly impacting every area of her life.

As a result of the strategies she learned during our sessions together, Linda now has a renewed and loving relationship with her mother, is far more confident in herself and in her high powered job and is changing her image to reflect the successful and confident woman she is.

When I first started working with Francine one of my main areas of concern was that I didn’t really feel comfortable with myself and how others perceived me. This mainly revolved around my relationship with my Mum.

For years if there was something which Mum and I could fall out about we would. I am the eldest of 5 and had grown up having to share the caring of my brothers and sisters.

As we grew up I always felt that she favoured the others over me. She took time to visit them and their families. She rang my sister daily and regularly went on shopping trips with her.

When I did see my Mum she would talk about my siblings and their families and it hurt me that she never asked what me and my family were doing. I took this to mean that she didn’t care about us in the same way.

Stopped Communicating…

I stopped telling my mum about good things that happened to my and my family like promotions, passing exams etc. I would always tell my sister and let her tell Mum. I though that Mum didn’t care about me and disapproved of me. So I didn’t include Mum in my celebrations because I thought she would view me as boasting.

Ultimately, I couldn’t talk to my Mum. I didn’t ring her, she didn’t ring me. I made myself believe that I was living life my way to values, which I had built for myself.

When I began coaching with Francine, I shared these feelings with her.

Strategies

I learned several things in the course of the sessions. Using a listening strategy that Francine showed me, I learned that I was making up in my own mind that my mums behaviour and actions meant that she did not love or approve of me.

For instance it never occurred to me that Mum didn’t ring me because she knew I was always busy and didn’t want to disturb me. I began to understand that I didn’t really know why my mum was the way she was and my response was probably making her feel unwelcome.

Francine gave some fabulous strategies to help me understand my fixed perspectives about the situation and also some wonderful communication skills to help me listen to my mum.

As I began to understand my self more I began to realise that my Mum had actually given me a very special gift. Because I helped mum to by looking after my siblings, she had instilled family values in me since I was a child. The thing I value most in my life now is ‘Family’ and this is also what she values most. I realised that the gift my Mum gave me was that she enabled me to be the mother that I am to my children and I have a fantastic relationship with them.

It made me sad to think that my Mum and I didn’t have the same relationship. I love my Mum and admire her. When I realised this, Francine tasked me to speak with my Mum using the skills I had learned, to tell her how I felt and to try and build our relationship.

It wasn’t easy, I was afraid my Mum would think I was ‘just being silly’ and would not want to talk to me about these things.

Starting To Talk

I called around for coffee and gently started to talk about how I wished she would phone me and call around. I was surprised at how easy it was to talk to her and sure enough she told me that she didn’t call often or pop round, because she knows how hard I work, and she didn’t want to intrude on my time at home.

We had both misinterpreted each others needs.

Since then I have started seeing my Mum at least once a week and talking to her on the phone at least twice a week. Once a month we go out for lunch, just the two of us.

I hadn’t realised, however, how much like her I am and that I actually strive to be like her. In fact part of my five-year plan is to work part-time and look after my grandchildren, when they finally arrive, which is what my Mum does now.

Love

The highlight of all of this came in August when I took her out for lunch two days before Mum’s birthday with my youngest daughter.

We were walking through Debenhams looking at clothes when suddenly my Mum stopped in the middle of the store, put her arms around me, gave me the biggest hug and said ‘I love you so much and I’m so proud of you. All I want is for you to come and see me and spend time with me.’

We both cried whilst my daughter was rushing around trying to catch the moment on her mobile phone camera!

Since then my relationship with my Mum continues to grow and the impact this has had on how I feel about my myself and about everyone in my life has changed in so many ways. I have lost 8lbs, confronted situations at work with confidence and I continue to use everything I have learned in my coaching sessions to build great relationships with everyone around me.

Linda