It’s that time of the year again – Love is in the air! Whether you’re spending Valentine’s Day with another or yourself, the truth is – the most important relationship you’ll ever have will always be – with YOU! There’s no getting away from you and the healthier that relationship is – the healthier all your relationships will be, especially with your romantic partner.

Self-love often gets a bad press but the fact is – the  more you take care of you and enjoy a healthy self-worth, the less needy and demanding you’ll be with others. The more you take responsibility for creating your own happiness, the more happiness you’ll have to share and spread around you.  As Wayne Dyer says, ‘You’ll no longer spend your life looking for the good opinion of others.’   

This Valentine’s I want you to feel great about yourself, whether you’re with a romantic partner or not. I want you to love and appreciate yourself more than you ever have. Why? Because every area of your entire life and every relationship will benefit. Furthermore, the lighter and brighter you feel, the more attractive and charismatic you’ll be to others and more of what you want will come your way. There’s nothing more attractive than confidence and feeling good about yourself revs up your confidence like nothing else. Whilst I’m all for polishing up on the outside (I really am!), it’s the glow from within that really lights you up.

And here’s my Five Steps to encourage you to LOVE YOU!

1. WORK UP SOME SERIOUS APPRECIATION

 You’re probably great at noticing the good in others – but what about you? Grab a sheet of paper and write down, What I really appreciate and admire about me is . . . List at least 5 things before you move on to the next step. Keep this list open so you can add to it as more reasons to appreciate yourself occur. Breathe as you take in the good news and absorb the many great things there are to admire about you.

2. LET IT GO!

 As soon as you start to think about what’s great about you, you’re highly likely to start thinking about what’s not great. There are only two ways to clear out old grudges – the first is to make the decision to forgive yourself. Write down, I am now willing to forgive myself for . . . List at least three things before you move on and keep the list open until you feel you’ve pulled everything out. The second way to clear out a grudge is to atone – to do something that helps make amends for whatever you are unhappy about. What do you need to do to make amend and let yourself move on

3. LOVE YOUR LOOK

  Affirm, I now appreciate my natural attractiveness. Install this programming at the beginning of the day and check every two hours that it’s still in place. Refuse to allow any negative glitches into your mindset. Repeat throughout the day, I look great/wonderful/fabulous – choose the one that feels the most uplifting. Notice, right now, how simply saying this instantly lifts and lightens you. Check out The Star Qualities, written by my client, Caroline Goyder, who works with actors and business leaders. She’s written an entire chapter on the importance of embracing your unique look, rather than wishing you had someone else’s.

4. GO ON A DATE!

 Take yourself out on a date, to a place of your choosing, a gallery, a lunchtime recital, a walk through Hyde Park, whatever appeals. Plan it, put it in your diary and let this be the first of many such occasions. Julia Cameron in the legendary creativity ‘bible’,  The Artist’s Way, calls this, an artist’s date – a sure-fire way to refuel one’s spirit and keep the juices flowing. I believe the artist’s date is vital to keep your spirit inspired and fuelled for life itself, whether you write or paint or simply want to step off the treadmill once a week and spend some quality time in your own inimitable company.  When you enjoy your own company, you’ll never fill the space with other people just to avoid being alone.

5. DON’T SETTLE

 Tell the truth about what you really want and what really matters in your life. Give yourself the gift of going for it. Get a plan, get support, get accountable and get into the driver’s seat of your life. Here’s a wonderful wisdom jewel from the writer, Caroline Myss–  It’s better to want what you don’t have than to have what you don’t want.   Amen to that!

Have a terrific Valentine’s week and whatever you do – Love YOU!

The pressure of finding that elusive soul mate and then sustaining a successful relationship is highlighted once again, and quite honestly can you even be bothered?

The truth is that mastering relationships is still rocket science for many of us. Not only are we searching for Ms or Mr Right, once we have found them, there’s the whole business of keeping them for longer than six weeks.

Passion

Did you know for instance that passion on its own is not enough to keep your love alive? Oh no. Apparently the psychologists are in agreement that the way you cope with conflict in a relationship is the true deciding factor for its longevity.

“You’ve Changed”

What kind of person are you attracted to? What kind of qualities sweep you off your feet only to leave you all swept up a few months down the line. Take a sheet of paper and head it with the name of your last love.  Now divide the rest of the page into three columns.

Head the first column:

• The qualities I was attracted to

Write down all the behaviours and qualities that you were first attracted to. For example

• Funny
• Laid Back
• Warm
• Great dresser

Head the second column:

• What I most enjoyed about these qualities

For example:

• I loved laughing
• I was able to choose what I wanted to do
• I felt “loved”
• I felt proud

Head the third column:

• How I felt about these qualities at the end of our relationship

Examples:

• Not everything is a joke!
• Why do I have to make all the decisions?
• There’s being “warm” and being a flirt
• Clothes do not “maketh the man/woman”

Isn’t it odd that the very things you were attracted to in the first place are often the exact things that make you want to put pins in your eyes in the end.

When I work with individuals and couples in relationship, showing them constructive ways to handle the differences between them is the key to helping them to create lasting love.

The Behaviour

Believe it or not, your partner doesn’t wake up each morning wondering how they can best upset you today. They don’t think ‘Oh it’s Monday, how can I really be a total bitch/bastard today and make my partners life miserable?’ Truly they don’t!

What they do is exhibit a behaviour that you interpret as one which is designed to make your life a misery.

The thing to know is that their behaviour is not about you.  Yes it impacts you, I understand that. But it’s not about you.

99.9% of the way people behave is to do with what’s going on for them. What they want, what they perceive they can’t have and what they believe is happening or might happen to hurt them in some way.

Let me give you an example. Perhaps your partner is scared that you’re thinking of leaving him/her. It’s true that your relationship has been on the rocks for the past few years. You are pretty much living separate lives which you are both unhappy about.

But as yet, you have not sought outside help. Storms are brewing. Your partner wakes up in the morning full of fear and hurt and immediately questions you about whether you actually did you go out with a friend last night.

Their mistrust and interrogation tactics are just too much to listen to first thing in the morning. Plus this type of questioning has been going on for months and is wearing you down.

You retaliate by saying, ‘if you don’t believe me then phone my friend’. This only produces a response of ‘well I expect you’re both in cahoots, so I’ll never really know the truth’ etc etc and battle begins.

The Belief

Is it about you? You’d think so. Actually it’s about them and the hurt and fear that they’re experiencing. You see, when you believe that they are attacking you, your defences go up and you’ll either withdraw (more likely if you are man) or defend verbally (more likely if you are a woman).

Because you believe you are hearing criticism, judgement and mistrust of you, naturally you pull out your guns and shoot from the hip. If you believed that the accusations were about their fears for your relationship and what they perceive will happen if the relationships ends, you might respond differently.

The Response

Your response depends on whether or not you are interested in rebuilding you relationship, or moving towards a finale.

It it’s the latter, I strongly advise that you come clean, stop the fight, put both of you out of your misery and say you want out.

However, if it’s the former and you truly want to alleviate their fears and move towards saving your relationship, find out what’s really bothering them and be empathic enough to just listen – without defending your position.

What you will hear may surprise you and could lead a better quality conversation that enriches your relationship.

.

The ground breaking author and therapist Virginia Satir names communication as an essential element for happy relationships.

Our own wonderful Relationship Coach Francine Kaye knows all about the importance of communicating – that is, talking and listening – and this week, she’s giving us her indispensable Ten Commandments – Love Rules That Work

If you’ve already experienced a relationship breakdown, our course, Relationship Recovery, will coach you from the difficult early days, right back into the dating game.

This package is on introductory offer until October 10th, with 25% off, for all our registered members who have the discount code from our newsletter.

1. Thou shalt always retain thy identity
2. Thou shalt learn how to communicate clearly
3. Thou shalt practise acceptance and understanding of each other
4. Thou shalt have fun together
5. Thou shalt hold the relationship as valuable
6. Thou shalt always be faithful to one another (unless specifically agreed otherwise)
7. Thou shalt experience passion together – at least once a week!
8. Thou shalt spend quality time together, and quality time apart
9. Thou shalt continue to grow mentally and spiritually
10. Thou shalt hold thy partner in high esteem, and wave their flag whenever possible

PS: Thou shall never go to bed on argument

You will want to factor in children, if you have any, your work, your social life, your own time to follow your hobbies and passions as well as your time together with your new partner. When you understand what’s most important to you and what your own boundaries are, then you’ll begin to have an idea of how you want your new relationship to look.

Designing a new relationship that is in alignment with your personal values is a radical act. It takes courage and great communication skills and absolutely everyone can do it. Start thinking out of the box. Ask yourself “if I could design my perfect relationship what would it look like?”

These are my top tips for those setting out to design a relationship that fits perfectly.

1. What’s Non-Negotiable?

Know what qualities you want from your new partner by understanding your own personal values. Must you have a non-smoker who loves animals or a 6ft tall Gemini? What’s negotiable and what isn’t. Once you start compromising what you value most, you’ll attract what you don’t want.

Look for a partner who already has the qualities you are looking for instead of trying to change someone into what you want them to be.

2. Drop the Drama

If you are ready for a new relationship then be ready to drop the drama of your divorce. Everyone has a story and the details can be discussed in time. However, your date is interested in you and you are far more than just your divorce.

3. Communicate

Say what you mean and mean what you say. This is a fabulous opportunity to create a relationship based on clean communication. Start as you mean to continue. Be clear about your boundaries. Let your new date know what’s acceptable behaviour and what isn’t and communicate truthfully and clearly about what works for you and what doesn’t.

Never assume you’ve been understood. People are not mind readers and not everyone sees life as we do. Ask questions that will clarify understanding and avoid upsets.

4. Dating and Children

Dating and children don’t mix in the early stages. Children of divorce need safety and stability.If you must introduce your new relationship to your children, then call him or her ‘my friend’. Children understand what a friendship is, however boyfriend or girlfriend has a different
meaning altogether.You will know when that feels right.Until then, take care of the kids.

5. Let’s Get Physical

When sex is on the cards, be sure you are clear about what you are doing and what it means. Does this herald the beginning of a close and exclusive relationship or is it just a passionate moment for you both?

Have the courage to find out now rather than be disappointed later.

These top tips are a summary of her experience, both personally and in working with her clients, and are the things that really matter most when you are searching for true love.

Cherry has certainly walked the walk – see how following her own advice worked for her!

1. Decide what you really want from a relationship

Most people know what they don’t want from a relationship but seldom think about what they do want. So, get thinking – until you are clear about what you do want how will you know you’ve got it?

2. Decide what type of man or woman you want a relationship with

Top goal -setters know the power of writing down your goals increases the chance of them happening, so take time and describe the type of man you want a relationship with.

3. Become happy with yourself – don’t expect someone else to fill in the gaps!

If you’re not happy with yourself, how do you expect anyone else to be? Work on becoming happy with yourself, before embarking on your next relationship and see the difference this makes. Start by learning to appreciate yourself and what you have to offer.

4. Look at the negative beliefs that have been holding you back and change your outlook

There are lots of ways to do this, take a look at Fiona’s book Be Your Own Life Coach or her tape, Falling in Love with Yourself or book a few sessions with a Coach to focus on this specifically.

5. Take action and be prepared to walk away from relationships that don’t work

Decide on what you can do not on what you can’t. Put energy into the action steps you can take. And, remember it’s the relationships you walk away from that create the space for something and someone wonderful to come into your life!