None of us enter into relationships, especially marriage, expecting it will end. Most of us are looking to improve our lives by adding the richness that comes from sharing it with a person we love and who loves us. But inevitably it’s just a matter of time before someone gets upset, the walls of protection go up, or they defend, attack or withdraw.

Rebuilding your life when your relationship ends is a challenge that many of us have faced and some of us have yet to experience. When you commit fully to an exclusive relationship, however much you love the other person, there are no guarantees of longevity. For all kinds of reasons marriages break-up, long-term partnerships breakdown and promising new relationships often never get off the ground.

Ending a relationship can leave you feeling anything from the high of total relief to the low of emotional despair and everywhere else in between.

Whilst all this sounds very much like entering a black hole without a flashlight, it’s actually not all doom and gloom. How you cope with your breakdown has much to do with the kind of support you get.

It is possible to take charge of your life and be your best in times of change. It is possible for you to take charge of your career and finances when what you’d rather do is hide under the covers. It is possible, even though you are going through an emotional process to surf the pain and use the calmer waters to take action that will take your life forward in the direction you want it to go, instead of drowning in sea of tears.

And, whilst it may be the last thing on your mind right now, it is possible to begin to design how your future relationships will look too.

Ten Top Tips for Breaking up Well

1. What we can feel we can heal

Don’t deny your pain, the first step to regaining a healthy identity is to acknowledge your pain and let the emotion out. Sometimes it will be a flood sometimes a war dance. Keep safe but let it out.

2. Treat yourself like your best friend

This applies to men and women. You know what makes you feel good. Do one thing each day to care for you. A drink with a friend, a luxurious bath, a walk in the park, your favourite meal, some ‘happy’ flowers. In all the turmoil, take time for you.

3. Get good legal advice, but don’t be drawn into drama

Work out the fairest best-case scenario for you and stick to it. Messy divorce cases keep emotions highly charged and extend the ‘getting over it’ process. Ask for what you know is fair and available, back it up with reasons and don’t get down and dirty. Personal Pride is priceless.

4. Find a support group

These are great places for offloading your divorce blues. You’ll hear stories far worse than yours and you’ll have many sympathetic ears ready and willing to listen to you. Go as many times as you need. When you get bored with the drama you are ready to move on.

5. Spend time with family and special friends

Because you’ve done most of your dumping at the support group, you’ll just be able to bathe in their love and caring and understanding. Get plenty of hugs and know that you are loved.

6. Children don’t Divorce

So don’t make it any harder for them than it already is. Assure them that both of you love them and build an easy bridge for them to cross from one home to the other. Don’t disrespect your expartner in front of them – this might be your biggest challenge do it anyway.

7. Retain some old friends and work at finding some new ones

Decide to take up Spanish or learn how to tread grapes. Dance salsa or take spin classes. Do something, anything, to get out and get going.

8. Feel the Fear and face your future

Take on one divorce challenge each day. Every time you face your fears and overcome them you create even more strength and courage to rebuild your life.

9. When dividing up everything plus the cat, don’t be petty

There are memories for both of you. Only insist on what’s most important to you and hard as it may be to believe this now, remember, you once loved this person.

10. Get a Coach

No, really I’m not just saying that. Divorce is a massive life change and how you rebuild your life immediately afterwards is vital in creating strong foundations for your future. Divorce is not just an ending its also a new beginning which offer opportunities and possibilities for redesigning your life, building new relationships, getting to know yourself better and developing new parts of you that were previously unknown.

Feeling generous, giving presents – getting presents, being swept along with the festive air is wonderful. It’s the spirit of Christmas!

What’s not to like? The only problem may come when you feel out of control, pressurised into spending what you haven’t got or really want to spend, caught up in a whirlwind of spend, spend, spend. This is the spirit of Christmas being turned into a massive shopping fest.

Obviously, this will not be the case for you or me! We will keep our heads whilst others are losing theirs. We will design Christmas our way, true to the authentic meaning of it all, giving and receiving goodwill to all men – and women.

We will be dignified and elegant in our celebration of connection with the Divine and others, the ending of one year, the beginning of a new one.

But, just out of interest, I’ve invited an expert to say a few words on the subject.

The unbelievably brilliant Claire Brinn is a money guru. Really. A self-made millionaire, from a very humble Irish background, she has created a life of financial prosperity for herself a world away from the one she grew up in.

She has a grasp on money – the making of it, and the growing of it – that I’ve rarely seen. She is now making her knowledge and expertise available to all of us as I have invited her to join us here on the site

I have sent a number of my personal clients to her – some going through divorce – some who need to invest wisely – others in financial crisis. All have breathed with relief after Claire has helped them take control, and shown them practical steps they can take to improve – or rescue – their situation.

If you or your business could benefit from this type of financial support, get in touch with Claire for a chat. Email claire@fionaharrold.com.

At whatever age that happens, it’s a challenging time. We often put our lives on hold or at the very least find that we are not truly getting the most out of life until we do recover.

Putting effort into relationship recovery is something that can make a huge difference. Getting over the break-up of a relationship can sometimes seem to take forever. It can hold you back in your life; affect your career, as well as your relationships with others.

Why allow this to happen to you? Why put your life on hold any longer than is necessary?

Moving on

The person who decides how long this will take is you. The Relationship Recovery course was written specifically to help you to focus on and recover from the break-up of a relationship and move on with your life.

Having been through a number of painful relationship break-ups in my own life, I know how difficult this transition can be. However, I also know from experience that there is a lot you can do to help yourself to recover and come out the other end without bitterness, able to leave the past behind and move on with your life.

For those who choose to have coaching to help them make the transition through this difficult period, it can make a big difference to their recovery. I asked two such clients to write something about their experiences for this newsletter.

What I really enjoyed about coaching both of these ladies was that they were willing to do whatever it took to help themselves, no matter how difficult it was. Even though when they came to me they couldn’t see the path through the trees, they were willing to allow me to shine the lantern.

Here’s what they wrote ..

Jackie’s story

My life seemed to have been punctuated by break-ups in relationships. It would take me ages to get my life back together again a year and a half or two years was often the norm. I hated feeling so low and not being able to pick myself up, spending months wallowing in self-pity and regret.

The months would roll by and I’d still cry when I thought about my ex or when I remembered the wonderful times that we’d shared and I just couldn’t seem to let go and move on. Of course I did eventually but it took me ages!

I’m not getting any younger and so when I broke up with Greg last year, I decided that I wanted to break the mould. I didn’t want to wait another year or more before I felt ok. I’d tried therapy in the past but I wanted something a bit more pro-active. So I decided to seek the help of Cherry who’d been recommended to me by a friend.

It was the best move I’ve ever made! She was very understanding and really easy to talk to but at the same time she was extremely focused and didn’t let me get away with much!

Having someone help me to stay focused on what I needed to do in order to recover was really helpful. It wasn’t always easy, but knowing that I had support of Cherry whose only agenda was to help me to make the recovery that I wanted made a big difference. Cherry explained that my rate of progress was down to me. In between the coaching sessions, she would set me exercises to do which I found really helpful. I felt I was at last doing something to helping myself to move forward.

It wasn’t all plain sailing and I did have a few set backs and slipped into my old ways of dealing with things. But with Cherry’s gentle guidance I got back on track. She helped me to overcome some of the obstacles that in the past had held me back, as well as recognise and overcome some which I didn’t even realise were obstacles to my recovery!

Six months down the line, I feel like a new woman! I’ve been able to put Greg in the past and I am looking forward to the future. Putting effort into relationship recovery was a challenging but really worthwhile experience and I’m amazed at how quickly I have moved on. Cherry was right when she said that ‘you get out what you put in’.

Jackie, London

Jane’s story

Recently, when I separated from my partner Cherry really helped me to understand a lot about what had happened, what had not been right and how I could practically deal with the many issues facing us.

When you’re in the middle of a crisis or wanting things to change, it’s really great to have someone who’s there to listen, not judge and then able to help you to figure out what to do next.

Talking to Cherry was very easy, fun, practical and a relief! She helped me to deal with anguish and upset and I was able to concentrate on moving forward rather than getting stuck and wondering how I was going to get out of this mess.

As a result, I’m feeling much better now. I have also been able to be much calmer and clearer with my partner. This has meant that we have been able to remain friends as we went through the separation rather than become enemies.

Jane, Surrey 2005

Five Practical Tips for Relationship Recovery

1. Remove all physical reminders of your Ex

Having constant reminders around of personal belongings of your ex, photos, letters etc is not going to help your recovery process. To start with, box up all reminders of your ex and place them out of sight.

By boxing things up, you can come back to them when you feel ready to face it. Avoid any drastic action at this point that you could end up regretting later. When your wounds have healed or you’re feeling calmer you may still decide that you want to get rid of these things for good, but you’ll be in a much better place for making that decision.

2. Remove all virtual reminders of your Ex

It’s not only physical reminders that serve to jolt our memories; it’s virtual ones too! Remove the temptation of reading and re-reading messages from your ex. Go through your emails and delete or store in a file or on a CD any loving messages relating to your Ex. If you have instant messaging, remove your Ex from your buddy list.

Delete your Ex’s text messages from your phone or if you really can’t face deleting these, store them somewhere you won’t need to see them on a regular basis.

3. Change your bedding!

This might sound strange but it can help some people to move on, especially if the bedding you’ve been sleeping in has a long history and memories attached. I’ve even known people to go out and buy new beds because of this association!

If you can afford new bedding or even a new mattress, it’s like giving yourself a fresh start. However there are less costly solutions available if you are at all bothered by the energetic situation of sleeping in the same bed or sheets that you shared with your Ex.

Clearing any clutter and giving your bedroom a thorough spring clean is a great way to dispel any negative energy. You can also use space-clearing sprays, incense or smudge sticks.

4. Buy yourself a relationship recovery journal

Expressing your thoughts on paper is an incredibly powerful way of aiding the healing process. It’s especially good for people who are not comfortable with showing their feelings or who are not able for whatever reason to talk to someone. Using a journal or notebook is a great way to vent your anger hurt and pain and may well just stop you saying things to your Ex that you could later regret.

It’s can also be beneficial in showing you how far you’ve come along the relationship recovery route.

5. Treat yourself

This is an essential step on the road to recovery for both men and women. Treating yourself reminds you that you are special, even if you are telling yourself otherwise.

Actions speak louder than words so take action and treat yourself: have a massage; buy yourself some flowers, your favourite foods or whatever takes your fancy.

A final word from Cherry

Remember, recovery doesn’t have to take forever your progress is entirely in your hands so put some effort into recovery and invest in yourself, because you’re worth it.