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My marriage feels like a habit
Answer by Mike Blissett
Melodie asks:
How do I sort out my relationship with my husband?We've been married 32 years, since I was 16 and he was 23. We have survived crises such as early pregnancy, money worries, no family support, redundancy, serious illness of grandchild. I know we have a strong bond which is very important.
He's supported me through 6 years fulltime study to achieve my dream of teaching. Now we're very different people. I think I bore and intimidate him. Sex is an issue as I feel emotionally disconnected from him.
I think we're a habit for each other and I want more from my marriage than that. How can I make changes?
Mike says:
Congratulations on 32 years of marriage. The trick is to know now who you've become. Okay, so you had an education and changed career. But what about the other stuff? Going out, socializing, cuddling up to a good DVD on a winters evening, and of course making amazing love with your husband. What about them? Now, we're all big and aware and intelligent (which I believe we all become through life), so it follows that we can assess our lives to see what's working well, and what isn't.
I'm happy you have this fabulous relationship and all these memories, but I want you to put away the pictures for now. File those memories away for another day. Write out your ideal relationship for today. What would you look for, what type of friendship, sex, just plain fun would you seek? If you're husband is up for this same exercise it'd be perfect, as afterwards you could compare notes and take this communication from there. If he's not, then you're in charge.
Write down how you see yourself. Are you that serious, boring? Do you fake it in bed? Take responsibility for your own part, and see how you can put it right. Thing is, we all begin to run on automatic pilot after a while, especially with relationships. We almost expect the fire to go out. Why shouldn't you still kiss and cuddle and chase each other around the kitchen? Who says it can't happen when you're 40, 50, and 60? If it feels good, do it. If you want to play, spice up the bedroom, do it - surprise him with your love, gentleness, and just plain caring for him.
It's never too late to make a relationship something special once again.
Just turn off the automatic. TALK!! Communicate; from a position of love, fun, absolute joy for still being with each other. With maturity we look great, have tons of experience, yet make more effort to entertain friends, or even a total stranger, than the one person we want to share it all with. Change that. Take a step at a time. Build bridges.
Turn off the pressure (both on yourself, as well as the relationship), and start to live again.
I wish you all the very best. Be wonderful.
This is question 21 of 41
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