I reckon life would be awfully dull without a few big dreams every so often.

However, it’s vital to take some of those dreams seriously and make them happen, otherwise you’ll label yourself a ‘dreamer’ and future dreams will fail to excite you as you dismiss both their potential and your own ability to drive them to fruition.  It can often be a long and winding road.

One dreamer who took her dream seriously is the Voice and Acting coach, Caroline Goyder.

Caroline first shared her dream with me over two years ago at the outset of our coaching programme. She talked of a book in which she would interview leading actors such as Helen Mirren, Kate Winslet, Ewan McGregor and Sarah Jessica Parker and they would share their tips for giving a star performance in everyday life.

Caroline would reveal the techniques actors are taught during their training which equip them to deal with the off-stage challenges of presentation, parties, rejection (the show always goes on) and everything else that life throws at us.

I knew it was a winner. My challenge was to convince Caroline and keep her on track to get a brilliant proposal written and write the subsequent chapters that were to make up the dream book that has just been published -  The Star Qualities!

The Star Qualities is fabulous and features the actors Caroline dreamt of and a few more. Don’t think it was all easy – it was a lot of hard work but then dreams require effort to make them come true.

Here’s a few words from Caroline:

Fiona’s advice to me was that my challenge was to think big enough. It was brilliant. She encouraged me to approach world-class actors for my book, The Star Qualities, and to my delight great actors such as Sarah Jessica Parker, Frances McDormand and Ewan McGregor agreed to be interviewed. Fiona encouraged me to approach a leadng agent, who immediately took me on and soon after I was offered a five figure advance from a major publisher.

Without Fiona’s encouragement to think big, I’d have made the mistake of keeping my dreams small. The bigger you think the more motivated you are to go for it. Boldness really does have magic in it and Fiona’s helped me to achieve things I would only have dared to dream of before.

Caroline Goyder

Sample some of The Star Qualities

Caroline has made a chapter of the book – Enjoying Parties (PDF) – available for you to download, or you can buy the book online.

Bravo Caroline – it really is a great read!

Have you a Dream?

Are you dreaming about something but just not getting started on making it real?  Give yourself a jump start with my five top tips for materialising your dreams.

I’d love to hear how you made your big dream a reality or about the dream you just know could be real if you devoted enough effort to making it happen. Let me know below!

None of us enter into relationships, especially marriage, expecting it will end. Most of us are looking to improve our lives by adding the richness that comes from sharing it with a person we love and who loves us. But inevitably it’s just a matter of time before someone gets upset, the walls of protection go up, or they defend, attack or withdraw.

Rebuilding your life when your relationship ends is a challenge that many of us have faced and some of us have yet to experience. When you commit fully to an exclusive relationship, however much you love the other person, there are no guarantees of longevity. For all kinds of reasons marriages break-up, long-term partnerships breakdown and promising new relationships often never get off the ground.

Ending a relationship can leave you feeling anything from the high of total relief to the low of emotional despair and everywhere else in between.

Whilst all this sounds very much like entering a black hole without a flashlight, it’s actually not all doom and gloom. How you cope with your breakdown has much to do with the kind of support you get.

It is possible to take charge of your life and be your best in times of change. It is possible for you to take charge of your career and finances when what you’d rather do is hide under the covers. It is possible, even though you are going through an emotional process to surf the pain and use the calmer waters to take action that will take your life forward in the direction you want it to go, instead of drowning in sea of tears.

And, whilst it may be the last thing on your mind right now, it is possible to begin to design how your future relationships will look too.

Ten Top Tips for Breaking up Well

1. What we can feel we can heal

Don’t deny your pain, the first step to regaining a healthy identity is to acknowledge your pain and let the emotion out. Sometimes it will be a flood sometimes a war dance. Keep safe but let it out.

2. Treat yourself like your best friend

This applies to men and women. You know what makes you feel good. Do one thing each day to care for you. A drink with a friend, a luxurious bath, a walk in the park, your favourite meal, some ‘happy’ flowers. In all the turmoil, take time for you.

3. Get good legal advice, but don’t be drawn into drama

Work out the fairest best-case scenario for you and stick to it. Messy divorce cases keep emotions highly charged and extend the ‘getting over it’ process. Ask for what you know is fair and available, back it up with reasons and don’t get down and dirty. Personal Pride is priceless.

4. Find a support group

These are great places for offloading your divorce blues. You’ll hear stories far worse than yours and you’ll have many sympathetic ears ready and willing to listen to you. Go as many times as you need. When you get bored with the drama you are ready to move on.

5. Spend time with family and special friends

Because you’ve done most of your dumping at the support group, you’ll just be able to bathe in their love and caring and understanding. Get plenty of hugs and know that you are loved.

6. Children don’t Divorce

So don’t make it any harder for them than it already is. Assure them that both of you love them and build an easy bridge for them to cross from one home to the other. Don’t disrespect your expartner in front of them – this might be your biggest challenge do it anyway.

7. Retain some old friends and work at finding some new ones

Decide to take up Spanish or learn how to tread grapes. Dance salsa or take spin classes. Do something, anything, to get out and get going.

8. Feel the Fear and face your future

Take on one divorce challenge each day. Every time you face your fears and overcome them you create even more strength and courage to rebuild your life.

9. When dividing up everything plus the cat, don’t be petty

There are memories for both of you. Only insist on what’s most important to you and hard as it may be to believe this now, remember, you once loved this person.

10. Get a Coach

No, really I’m not just saying that. Divorce is a massive life change and how you rebuild your life immediately afterwards is vital in creating strong foundations for your future. Divorce is not just an ending its also a new beginning which offer opportunities and possibilities for redesigning your life, building new relationships, getting to know yourself better and developing new parts of you that were previously unknown.

Be more attractive

Who doesn’t want to be more attractive?

I use the term literally here, as in the dictionary definition:  “Pleasing or appealing to the senses, arousing interest, a pulling force.”

The remarkable truth is that ANYONE can be attractive, can boost their powers of attraction, can cultivate the ability to arouse interest and draw others towards them. It really does have very little to do with the looks God dished out to us.

Attractiveness is a state of mind!

Gordon Ramsay, Russell Brand, Sarah Jessica Parker, Bette Midler. Even in the perfection-obsessed world of celebrity, you’ll find a growing number of rogue sex symbols who don’t fit easily into our perception of the conventionally attractive on the surface, but who exude attraction and sex appeal from every pore.

Passion

What they all possess in abundance is self-belief, a contagious passion for life and a healthy sense of individuality. In the words of the inimitable Ms Midler:

“Treasure forever what makes you unique, cos you’re really a yawn if it goes!”

In essence, that is the first step to becoming more attractive. Spend some time identifying what makes you special. What is it about you, at your best that sets you apart from the rest?

Make a list of at least 10 of your special attributes. Physical, personality, achievements… it’s up to you.

Now set about honouring these special qualities on a daily basis. Get in touch with your best self, and amazing things can happen.

Preconceptions

The next step towards greater attractiveness is about letting go of preconceptions. After years of thinking that attractiveness is just for the chosen few, often people need to give themselves permission to feel and be attractive.

Until we are able to accept ourselves as attractive beings, how on earth can we expect others to receive us in this way? This process could start with a simple affirmation such as  “I am willing to see myself as attractive.” Repeat this as often as possible. A change will come.

Next, we need to focus on image and first impressions. Attractive people take care of themselves. They look after their bodies and enjoy looking their best.

This is not to be confused with that particularly unattractive trait of vanity, and a preoccupation with image, fashion and appearance. Truly attractive people are simply comfortable and confident with the way they look.

They know they’ve made an effort to look good, and this frees them up to focus on more important things - like living their best life.

Five Top Tips To Be More Attractive

1. Establish what you want to attract

Let’s get specific. Create a description of your ideal friend/partner/business partner. Have fun. Jot down everything that comes to mind.

Try not to censor your ideas as “unrealistic” or “out of your league.” Establish what you want – then go for it.

2. Be playful

Stop trying so hard. Let go, and rediscover with your playful side. Smile, laugh; stay open to amusing and interesting possibilities.

3. Loosen up your body

Spend some time focusing on your body. Get comfortable in your own skin. To help you connect, why not try a dance class, yoga or a massage course? Keep your body language relaxed and open.

4. Live sensuously

Indulge and develop your senses. Enjoy beauty around you. Sharpen your appreciation for everyday scents and tastes. Listen with heightened awareness. Get in touch with how your body feels.

5. Believe, and it will happen

Choose how you want to feel. Affirm this to yourself, and then radiate your feeling to the world. It really is that simple. Go on and try it today!

What stands in the way of you being happy right now?

This is a question that I find very useful to ask my clients whenever they are going through relationship issues. They might be thinking of leaving an existing relationship, they may have left the relationship and wonder if they really did the right thing, or they may be searching for their soulmate and wondering if they will ever find each other.

When I ask them “what stands in the way of you being happy right now?” I discover one incredible truth that’s the same for everyone.

In order to be happy you cannot argue with reality.

The reality is that the situation you are in, for whatever reason, is where you are right now. You simply cannot argue with “what is.”

Resistance is futile

Whatever your situation, it’s exactly the way it is and to argue with reality by putting up a great deal of resistance towards it will always lead to upset and frustration. How many people do you know who are looking for relationships or who are recovering from old ones who argue with reality? I’ll bet it’s the majority.

The good news is that you can train yourself to live in reality and as soon as you do, then a whole world of relationship possibilities opens up to you. You stop resisting your current situation and start living in to your desired outcome.

Let me give you an example.

Getting real

Recently a client came to me in an unhappy relationship. The relationship had been drifting for several years and she was no longer able to live with the status quo, nor was she able to leave. She resisted and resisted the reality of her situation until she tied herself up in knots, lost her concentration and focus, and walked around in a daze of indecision and upset.

Time for a Relationship Reality Check.

When we began to look at the reality of the situation, she could clearly see the truth of the matter. She could see where she compromised, pretended, hoped and wished. She realised that she was not getting her own values met, neither of them were able to grow together and the reality was this relationship was not going to change. It was complete.

As soon as she got back in touch with reality and stopped resisting “what is,” a great weight was lifted and she could now do what she needed to do to move forward.

We all know that it takes two to make a relationship, but the truth is that if you don’t truly accept ‘what is’, if you are argue with your reality, you could find yourself in a relationship that simply does not work for you.

So stop resisting, get real and do what it takes to consciously stay in reality in your relationship.

Five Top Relationship Reality Checks

Stay in Reality

No “if onlys” – no “perhaps,” no “hopefullys.” Stay with “what is” and work from there.

Hold on To You

Don’t lose your identity. You are more than just your relationship. That’s one possible part of your life and there are so many others. Hold on to you and hold on to your own reality

Drop the Drama

Have personal pride and don’t spill yourself all over your friends like an episode of Eastenders. Keep your dignity in front of the masses. Drama prolongs “what isn’t” and keeps you from handling “what is.”

Learn From Your Situation

Get real. What behaviours must not be repeated in your next relationship or continue in your current one. Where do you resist reality and live in fantasy?

Get Up, Get Over it and Get Happy

Thank your lucky stars you are back in touch with reality and are ready to design relationships that work.

1. Discover You.

Discover your true identity by focusing on what you must have in relationship. Must you have your independence, must you be respected, must you share holidays, must you have the same interests? Make a list of your top five ‘must have values’

2. Make it easier to experience your ‘must have values’.

You don’t have to wait for the right partner to come along to enjoy your ‘must have values’. Phrase your must have values in a way that allows you to experience them regularly, e.g. “Anytime I spend time painting, I experience my creativity” “Whenever I call my best friend, I feel loved”. Use the words “anytime or whenever to enhance your values.

3. What must you avoid most in relationship.

Must you avoid shouting, must you avoid being controlled, must you avoid alcohol, must you avoid being a ‘carer’ or playing some other caring role? Make a list of your top five ‘avoidance values’

4. Make it hard to experience your avoidance values.

Decide that you would have to keep on doing something specific in order to experience the negative. Phrase you avoidance values to enlarge the issue in this way: “As long as I keep on allowing…” I will experience feeling/being/doing…”

5. Don’t collude.

Stop giving people permission to carry on any behaviour that impacts you negatively. Pull them up on it. Let them know its not acceptable to you and why and if they care and respect you enough they will want to stop naturally.

The pressure of finding that elusive soul mate and then sustaining a successful relationship is highlighted once again, and quite honestly can you even be bothered?

The truth is that mastering relationships is still rocket science for many of us. Not only are we searching for Ms or Mr Right, once we have found them, there’s the whole business of keeping them for longer than six weeks.

Passion

Did you know for instance that passion on its own is not enough to keep your love alive? Oh no. Apparently the psychologists are in agreement that the way you cope with conflict in a relationship is the true deciding factor for its longevity.

“You’ve Changed”

What kind of person are you attracted to? What kind of qualities sweep you off your feet only to leave you all swept up a few months down the line. Take a sheet of paper and head it with the name of your last love.  Now divide the rest of the page into three columns.

Head the first column:

• The qualities I was attracted to

Write down all the behaviours and qualities that you were first attracted to. For example

• Funny
• Laid Back
• Warm
• Great dresser

Head the second column:

• What I most enjoyed about these qualities

For example:

• I loved laughing
• I was able to choose what I wanted to do
• I felt “loved”
• I felt proud

Head the third column:

• How I felt about these qualities at the end of our relationship

Examples:

• Not everything is a joke!
• Why do I have to make all the decisions?
• There’s being “warm” and being a flirt
• Clothes do not “maketh the man/woman”

Isn’t it odd that the very things you were attracted to in the first place are often the exact things that make you want to put pins in your eyes in the end.

What if you knew exactly what that secret was? Would you keep it to yourself or share it with the world?

Well, I’ve never been that great at keeping a secret so I am compelled to tell you what it is. At last you’ll have the knowledge that will make all your relationships work and stand the test of time.

Imagine being able to teach your children how to find and keep love so that they will never experience the pain of divorce and separation.

The Secret Revealed

Still interested? Ok, here goes.

The Greatest Intimacy Secret of all is MAKE ME MATTER.

Is it really that simple?Absolutely, that’s all there is to it.

Make me matter, make me feel special; make me feel cared for and loved and respected and appreciated.

Do whatever it takes to MAKE ME MATTER and I’ll love you for life.

The truth is that people have forgotten to make their loved ones matter. They are caught up with their work, the kids, the school run, the gym, the pub. Romance takes time and effort. Romance is not just for the honeymoon period, romance is for life.

Looking for Love?

If you are out there looking for your kindred spirit right now, observe what happens when you make your new date matter. Watch them bloom in front you as you listen to what they say as if it were the most important words anyone could speak.

Be amazed at how remembering their doctor’s appointment, the interview or the meeting with their boss makes them want to take you out anywhere you want to go.

Relighting your Fire

If you are already in a relationship, take a step back. Decide that you will make your partner matter for three days in a row and just watch what you get in return.

I can promise you that when your loved one makes you feel special and important and you feel like you matter to them, your relationship will just flourish.

Here are my five top tips for making each other feel special and keeping the romance, and passion, in your relationship alive.

1. Make time for fun

Bringing light-hearted activities into our lives lifts our spirits and makes necessary deposits into our “fun banks,” which keep us buoyant when times are challenging. Remembering the fun you have with your partner, reminds you that life goes on too long to take seriously all the time.

2. Keep talking

It’s not just about being in the same room, it’s about using time together to talk. Turn off the TV and turn on the music, sit down and simply talk to each other. Even if it’s impossible to change the circumstances of your daily lives, it helps to know that you are always there to listen and support each other.

3. Appointment with love

Plan time to be together. Some couples may even need to “pencil in” times, whilst others are able to be more spontaneous. Whichever you choose you must still put aside the time to do something that is enjoyable for both of you.

4. Put your shoes on!

Get out at the weekend and go for a walk, just the two of you. Promenading – as they used to call a leisurely stroll – gives you time to catch up with past week and talk about your dreams and plans.

5. Prioritise passion

Look at your commitments and decide what is truly important to you. No-one ever got to the end of their lives wishing they’d spent more time at the office. Love and affection is the best investment of time you will ever make.

We all want in on the action (I slipped the word ‘action’ in on purpose – more later) and to learn the secret to manifesting.

However, we could be fooled into believing that all we have to do is sit at home and ‘OM’ very loudly and hey presto, your every wish is granted.

Action

The likes of Sai Baba and other mystics may well be this fortunate. However, for the majority of us it takes a little more time, energy, courage and ACTION.

Manifesting is fun, and I liken learning to use the Law of Attraction to learning how to play a new instrument.

The first time you pick it up you may not have much luck but after practice, focus, and the intent to master the chords perfectly you produce the desired tune.

Earlier this year after reading ‘The Secret’ I too wanted to test The Law of Attraction. I’d had success in the past with manifesting but this time I was ready to really challenge myself and go for a few things that I believed were way out of my comfort zone – my own home and a fabulous man!

Beliefs

I really did have to change my beliefs, and the shift for me happened when I came to realise that just because something is outside of your comfort zone it doesn’t mean you can’t manifest it.

When I DECIDED to manifest my own home, I was told I was ‘crazy.’ My family and a few friends worried as to how I would finance such a huge investment. But my DESIRE was so strong that I actually convinced myself I could do it. I had total BELIEF.

I FOCUSED on nothing else. I placed a picture of my ideal home along with a bold affirmation on my kitchen wall. I stared at it when I ate, when I had a cup of tea, when I was reading, when I was in the kitchen.

I censored everything around me including the newspapers I read and the people I spoke to. I visualised every day but I also took the appropriate ACTION, and to cut a long story short, I did manifest my dream home.

Victory

With this victory under my belt, there was no stopping me. I decided to manifest my perfect man. At around the same time, not so far away, a certain man answering my description had decided he was ready to manifest his perfect woman!

Luckily for me, he had total FAITH that ‘she’ would turn up when she was READY. And I was ready. The rest, as they say, is history.

The best thing about all of this is that we had both been told on numerous occasions we were ‘too old’ to find love. Thank goodness neither of us paid any attention to anyone else’s limiting thoughts. That’s their reality.

When I work with individuals and couples in relationship, showing them constructive ways to handle the differences between them is the key to helping them to create lasting love.

The Behaviour

Believe it or not, your partner doesn’t wake up each morning wondering how they can best upset you today. They don’t think ‘Oh it’s Monday, how can I really be a total bitch/bastard today and make my partners life miserable?’ Truly they don’t!

What they do is exhibit a behaviour that you interpret as one which is designed to make your life a misery.

The thing to know is that their behaviour is not about you.  Yes it impacts you, I understand that. But it’s not about you.

99.9% of the way people behave is to do with what’s going on for them. What they want, what they perceive they can’t have and what they believe is happening or might happen to hurt them in some way.

Let me give you an example. Perhaps your partner is scared that you’re thinking of leaving him/her. It’s true that your relationship has been on the rocks for the past few years. You are pretty much living separate lives which you are both unhappy about.

But as yet, you have not sought outside help. Storms are brewing. Your partner wakes up in the morning full of fear and hurt and immediately questions you about whether you actually did you go out with a friend last night.

Their mistrust and interrogation tactics are just too much to listen to first thing in the morning. Plus this type of questioning has been going on for months and is wearing you down.

You retaliate by saying, ‘if you don’t believe me then phone my friend’. This only produces a response of ‘well I expect you’re both in cahoots, so I’ll never really know the truth’ etc etc and battle begins.

The Belief

Is it about you? You’d think so. Actually it’s about them and the hurt and fear that they’re experiencing. You see, when you believe that they are attacking you, your defences go up and you’ll either withdraw (more likely if you are man) or defend verbally (more likely if you are a woman).

Because you believe you are hearing criticism, judgement and mistrust of you, naturally you pull out your guns and shoot from the hip. If you believed that the accusations were about their fears for your relationship and what they perceive will happen if the relationships ends, you might respond differently.

The Response

Your response depends on whether or not you are interested in rebuilding you relationship, or moving towards a finale.

It it’s the latter, I strongly advise that you come clean, stop the fight, put both of you out of your misery and say you want out.

However, if it’s the former and you truly want to alleviate their fears and move towards saving your relationship, find out what’s really bothering them and be empathic enough to just listen – without defending your position.

What you will hear may surprise you and could lead a better quality conversation that enriches your relationship.

.

1. Thou shalt always retain thy identity
2. Thou shalt learn how to communicate clearly
3. Thou shalt practise acceptance and understanding of each other
4. Thou shalt have fun together
5. Thou shalt hold the relationship as valuable
6. Thou shalt always be faithful to one another (unless specifically agreed otherwise)
7. Thou shalt experience passion together – at least once a week!
8. Thou shalt spend quality time together, and quality time apart
9. Thou shalt continue to grow mentally and spiritually
10. Thou shalt hold thy partner in high esteem, and wave their flag whenever possible

PS: Thou shall never go to bed on argument