It’s brainstorm game; get that A4 paper now and fill it – both sides if necessary!

2. What do you want?

If you could have the life you really want, what would it be? Again, get descriptive.

3. Who would you have to be?

Who would you have to be in order to attract this life to you? Would you need to study, meet a different set of people, be in a different place, look a different way, talk with a different emphasis (i.e.; with commitment rather than lackadaisical) – believe different things? Be honest…

4. Future tense

Being the ideal you, living your ideal life, what positive attributes would another person see in you?

5. Schedule, schedule

Finally, what could you begin today, this week, this month, or the rest of this year to begin the process? Schedule, schedule. Because guess what?

“Whether you believe you can or can’t, you’re probably right”
Henry Ford

What steps can you take to move your dreams out of your head and into the real world?

1. Know you can do this

If not you, then who?

Don’t undermine yourself by thinking you’re not smart enough, connected enough, or whatever you might decide makes you the wrong person to undertake your dream.

If you need someone to show faith in you and lend you some strength and belief, go get it – from a smart friend, colleague or coach.

2. Dream big

Intoxicate yourself with the vision of your dream manifesting. Get high on seeing how amazing it’s success will be.

Ensure the dream is big enough and write out a bold statement of intent that includes the benefits it’s success will bring. If it’s a book – what difference do you want it to make to others? If it’s a charitable venture – who benefits?

3. Get practical

This is the time to sit down and get very focused.

It’s important to stay inspired but it’s also vital to get on with the work of making it happen, step by step, day by day, week by week.

4. Inspire others

Your dream will require the support of others to make it happen.

Ensure your vision is not perceived as a ‘vanity mission’ but a grand, generous venture that will benefit all. Check that your colleagues all have a personal vested interest in co-operating on the mission.

Read over the chapter, Inspire Others in The 7 Rules of Success for more on this.

5.  Have fun now!

Don’t withhold relaxing and celebrating until some far-off completion date.

Fuel yourself along the way with minor celebrations of your success. When your team meet, meet in great places so the mission is anything but dull. Hard work doesn’t have to be grim.

Keep your morale strong by staying light along the way – however serious your mission.

I reckon life would be awfully dull without a few big dreams every so often.

However, it’s vital to take some of those dreams seriously and make them happen, otherwise you’ll label yourself a ‘dreamer’ and future dreams will fail to excite you as you dismiss both their potential and your own ability to drive them to fruition.  It can often be a long and winding road.

One dreamer who took her dream seriously is the Voice and Acting coach, Caroline Goyder.

Caroline first shared her dream with me over two years ago at the outset of our coaching programme. She talked of a book in which she would interview leading actors such as Helen Mirren, Kate Winslet, Ewan McGregor and Sarah Jessica Parker and they would share their tips for giving a star performance in everyday life.

Caroline would reveal the techniques actors are taught during their training which equip them to deal with the off-stage challenges of presentation, parties, rejection (the show always goes on) and everything else that life throws at us.

I knew it was a winner. My challenge was to convince Caroline and keep her on track to get a brilliant proposal written and write the subsequent chapters that were to make up the dream book that has just been published -  The Star Qualities!

The Star Qualities is fabulous and features the actors Caroline dreamt of and a few more. Don’t think it was all easy – it was a lot of hard work but then dreams require effort to make them come true.

Here’s a few words from Caroline:

Fiona’s advice to me was that my challenge was to think big enough. It was brilliant. She encouraged me to approach world-class actors for my book, The Star Qualities, and to my delight great actors such as Sarah Jessica Parker, Frances McDormand and Ewan McGregor agreed to be interviewed. Fiona encouraged me to approach a leadng agent, who immediately took me on and soon after I was offered a five figure advance from a major publisher.

Without Fiona’s encouragement to think big, I’d have made the mistake of keeping my dreams small. The bigger you think the more motivated you are to go for it. Boldness really does have magic in it and Fiona’s helped me to achieve things I would only have dared to dream of before.

Caroline Goyder

Sample some of The Star Qualities

Caroline has made a chapter of the book – Enjoying Parties (PDF) – available for you to download, or you can buy the book online.

Bravo Caroline – it really is a great read!

Have you a Dream?

Are you dreaming about something but just not getting started on making it real?  Give yourself a jump start with my five top tips for materialising your dreams.

I’d love to hear how you made your big dream a reality or about the dream you just know could be real if you devoted enough effort to making it happen. Let me know below!

How old we are is a very common “hold-me-back.”

Life changes

When we are in our teens and twenties, a lot of us don’t even think about the changes we are constantly making. Change is a given. It’s okay when we’re young to take risks, in fact most of the time we don’t even recognise that we are taking risks. Without knowing it and certainly without feeling it often we’re pretty bold.

As we get that little bit older, though, we start to become more constrained. We get into a routine, and often that routine becomes a kind of trance so we ignore the mild feelings of frustration that may start to build.

Until *POW* suddenly we realise we’re not happy with our lot, we don’t want to continue what we’re doing… BUT… and here’s the rub: we feel trapped. Stuck. And the thought of changing, risking, takes on daunting proportions.

Some time back David shared his story with us he relaunched his life at the age of 42. He changed from a ‘respectable’ (there’s another hold-me-back!) management job to setting up his own landscape design company and as we hear, he’s going great guns!

Catherine’s story

There’s another inspiring story you might like to read.

Catherine, 37, was a partner in a law firm earning a rewarding salary but not feeling fulfilled in her career. So intent on passing exams and climbing the career ladder, she didn’t realise how law just didn’t fit with her personality. Here’s her story:

“Thinking about giving it up was a huge decision and I hesitated. I needed to take time out to prioritise what was important in my life, to assess my skills and look at different career possibilities. I didn’t have enough money to travel without working, so I spent a month obtaining a TEFL qualification.

I returned to work and saved up for a year before leaving, which provided me with a retraining fund. I was lucky enough to be offered the post of reception/year one teacher at an international school in Madrid. I taught English to Spanish children aged four to six and realised I could be creative in a way that’s impossible in law.

I arranged to have life coaching sessions with Sue, who specialises in career change. Speaking to Sue crystallized what I was feeling and gave me insight into the reasons behind it. I needed help to make the next step though because it was scary giving up the security of my career.

I had three telephone sessions of one hour each over three months and it kept me on track. This was the best money I have ever spent.

Sue helped me realise that I don’t like to be put in a compartment working in law meant I had to suppress the more creative side of my personality. Without her insight and support I don’t think I would have seen how crucial this was to me. She helped me understand how rewarding I found teaching and that it fitted in with my need to feel I am making a real difference.

Back in England I was accepted on a year-long course under a scheme called School Centred Initial Teacher Training. Graduates spend a year working in the classroom being mentored by experienced teachers and receiving free tuition.

Although I’ve more than halved my income I don’t regret it. Teaching is so much more to me, I get a real enjoyment from it and no two days are the same. I am still having coaching with Sue, working on my five-year plan, and am looking at the exciting possibilities that teaching opens up to me.”

None of us enter into relationships, especially marriage, expecting it will end. Most of us are looking to improve our lives by adding the richness that comes from sharing it with a person we love and who loves us. But inevitably it’s just a matter of time before someone gets upset, the walls of protection go up, or they defend, attack or withdraw.

Rebuilding your life when your relationship ends is a challenge that many of us have faced and some of us have yet to experience. When you commit fully to an exclusive relationship, however much you love the other person, there are no guarantees of longevity. For all kinds of reasons marriages break-up, long-term partnerships breakdown and promising new relationships often never get off the ground.

Ending a relationship can leave you feeling anything from the high of total relief to the low of emotional despair and everywhere else in between.

Whilst all this sounds very much like entering a black hole without a flashlight, it’s actually not all doom and gloom. How you cope with your breakdown has much to do with the kind of support you get.

It is possible to take charge of your life and be your best in times of change. It is possible for you to take charge of your career and finances when what you’d rather do is hide under the covers. It is possible, even though you are going through an emotional process to surf the pain and use the calmer waters to take action that will take your life forward in the direction you want it to go, instead of drowning in sea of tears.

And, whilst it may be the last thing on your mind right now, it is possible to begin to design how your future relationships will look too.

Ten Top Tips for Breaking up Well

1. What we can feel we can heal

Don’t deny your pain, the first step to regaining a healthy identity is to acknowledge your pain and let the emotion out. Sometimes it will be a flood sometimes a war dance. Keep safe but let it out.

2. Treat yourself like your best friend

This applies to men and women. You know what makes you feel good. Do one thing each day to care for you. A drink with a friend, a luxurious bath, a walk in the park, your favourite meal, some ‘happy’ flowers. In all the turmoil, take time for you.

3. Get good legal advice, but don’t be drawn into drama

Work out the fairest best-case scenario for you and stick to it. Messy divorce cases keep emotions highly charged and extend the ‘getting over it’ process. Ask for what you know is fair and available, back it up with reasons and don’t get down and dirty. Personal Pride is priceless.

4. Find a support group

These are great places for offloading your divorce blues. You’ll hear stories far worse than yours and you’ll have many sympathetic ears ready and willing to listen to you. Go as many times as you need. When you get bored with the drama you are ready to move on.

5. Spend time with family and special friends

Because you’ve done most of your dumping at the support group, you’ll just be able to bathe in their love and caring and understanding. Get plenty of hugs and know that you are loved.

6. Children don’t Divorce

So don’t make it any harder for them than it already is. Assure them that both of you love them and build an easy bridge for them to cross from one home to the other. Don’t disrespect your expartner in front of them – this might be your biggest challenge do it anyway.

7. Retain some old friends and work at finding some new ones

Decide to take up Spanish or learn how to tread grapes. Dance salsa or take spin classes. Do something, anything, to get out and get going.

8. Feel the Fear and face your future

Take on one divorce challenge each day. Every time you face your fears and overcome them you create even more strength and courage to rebuild your life.

9. When dividing up everything plus the cat, don’t be petty

There are memories for both of you. Only insist on what’s most important to you and hard as it may be to believe this now, remember, you once loved this person.

10. Get a Coach

No, really I’m not just saying that. Divorce is a massive life change and how you rebuild your life immediately afterwards is vital in creating strong foundations for your future. Divorce is not just an ending its also a new beginning which offer opportunities and possibilities for redesigning your life, building new relationships, getting to know yourself better and developing new parts of you that were previously unknown.

Actively seek out more helpful interpretations of your situation.

1. Flip the coin

On a plane a few years ago, as the plane started down the runway, my friend grabbed and squeezed my hand so strongly I knew it would be crushed if I didn’t do something quickly. Turning to see his white face and clenched jaw, I found myself spontaneously saying that fear and excitement were two sides of a coin.

“I find taking off so exciting. A whole new adventure has begun. Butterflies race round inside my stomach and my heart beats like a drum!” I enthused. “You can feel excitement too! Flip the coin. It’s an adventure and it’s so exciting. Flip the coin.”

To my relief and delight, the vice-like grip on my hand relaxed and he started to smile.

Anxiety and fear are fuelled by the physical rush of butterflies and your heart beating like a drum, so try flipping the coin – imagine those feelings as excitement, excitement that’s bringing positive anticipation and opening up a whole new adventure.

2. Spot where you are on the learning ladder

You may have heard about the learning ladder – four stages you go through when you’re learning something new (such as a foreign language or driving).

1. Unconscious incompetence:
   You don’t know and you don’t know you don’t know.
2. Conscious incompetence:
   You’re acutely aware of all the things you need to know and how little you do know.
3. Conscious competence:
   You know what you’re doing and you know you know.
4. Unconscious competence:
   Your skill is automatic, and you often find that you’ve successfully done something without even realising it.

Stage two, conscious incompetence, can be an extremely anxious time.

Are you faced with a change or challenge that has catapulted you into conscious incompetence, and is this feeding your fear?

If the answer could be yes, recognise that you are at the consciously incompetent stage and that anxiety and fear will naturally result.  Understand that stages three and four are to come: it will get better!

With this calmer state of mind, now focus on what you can do to start making it better.

3. Understand how your brain works

Science tells us that the brain has two parts.

• One is the ‘thinking brain’, which works consciously, offering objective, thought-out, rational responses.
• The other is the ‘emotional brain’, which controls your vital instincts, your fight or flight response. It developed to get you out of danger, fast – when faced with a hungry lion, there wasn’t time to ponder!

Your emotional brain is always on the lookout for danger and is ready to stimulate action before you consciously know anything about it. When you’re anxious, it’s this brain that’s triggered and emotional thinking may swamp your ability to think straight.

How do you get your thinking brain back in the loop?

• First, understand the ability of your emotional brain to hijack you, and recognise the symptoms – in this thinking style, there are no in-betweens, you think in black and white, and you can come to extreme conclusions (that can be extremely unhelpful to you).
• Second, get yourself out and do something that’s completely different and absorbing. This will help to switch off your red alert thinking, and let your more rational, objective thinking get back on board.

4. Get communal

We all need community: other people to support us and help us hang in there when things get tough.

We need positive, nurturing and uplifting people who encourage and believe in us, and who help us see things from different, more helpful perspectives. We need to give that sort of attention too – to be that positive, nurturing and uplifting influence for others, as part of a friendship group, or through a volunteering activity, perhaps.

Fear and anxiety can diffuse dramatically once you start to look outwards rather than inwards.

So make sure you have both types of community in your life – receiving and giving.

Never has the trend for owning your business been more in the spotlight.

Never before have so many people, en masse, decided that corporate life or working for someone else is just not where they want to be anymore.

If you are part of this growing trend you will need to know how to flourish in a competitive environment.

You will need to know how to add value and contribute something different in order to make yourself stand out from the crowd. The good news is that there is a tried and tested way that all the most successful businesses in the world having been using as their number one power tool for decades.

Niching

Niching is where it’s at as far as successfully marking your business is concerned. Take a look at the Fiona Harrold site these days and you’ll see that all of the coaches specialise in one or two particular areas.

Mine is Divorce and Relationship and Time Management/Business Training.I have two niches, which work well for me. Any more would require extra admin skills that I just don’t have time for.

The point is that niching has grown my business exponentially and instead of the other coaches on the site becoming my competition, they are actually my allies. (More on that in next week’s newsletter).

Defining your niche, your unique selling point, is not just important it is absolutely vital. Without a defined niche, you will be wearing too many hats as you try to satisfy all of the people all of the time. You will burn out, become disillusioned and lose your focus.

Define your niche

You will begin to forget the reason you went into your business in the first place and you will slowly but surely grind to a halt. What you want to be to be doing is satisfying some of the people all of the time. Defining your niche is the simply the best way to do this.

Many people tell me that they don’t believe in niches because that they are limiting.

Surely if you focus on just one group of people, you are waving the possibility of so many others customers goodbye? Interesting point, but one I believe which is based on the enemy of all good business ideas, fear.

The fear is that there is not enough to go around, or you may miss out on something. Fear is what keeps people out there floundering while others are focused.The fact is that once you have defined your market you are much more able to focus on satisfying the needs of a specific group of people.

For example, lets imagine that you have worked in the corporate world for most of your career managing teams of people in one guise or another. You train as a coach and a reiki therapist and start coaching and reiki-ing anyone who seems willing. You do ok, but there are a thousand other coach/therapists doing the same.

Then you remember the reason you left the corporate world. You were stressed, with little time for your family and friends and your body hurt physically and mentally. Think about it. Guess who your best clients would be? People just like you!

Contacts

And, as you were part of the corporate world for so long, guess who will have the contacts and the understanding of this world that other coaches and therapists don’t have? You.

These people are in pain for the same reason you were. There are so many companies with budgets for the health of their workforce just waiting to be spent.

Why would they spend it on you? Because they want a mentally and physically healthy workforce. The top reason for attrition in companies is stress. How valuable would your services be?

You don’t have to put all the skills you have accomplished over the years to one side. The smartest thing you can do is to combine all you know with your new knowledge and create a niche for yourself that allows you to focus on a specific group of people who need you. This applies to every new business I can think of.

Soul-Searching

Knowing what your niche is however, takes a little bit of soul searching.

Fundamentally there are three things you need to know.

• The first thing you must do is to discover your Outcome. What do you want to achieve? What would be the ultimate result of all your endeavours? What do you want to achieve as a result of your outcome?
• The second place to look is to discover your purpose. What purpose does running this business honour? Ultimately will this business provide you and your customers with that will fill a need in their lives and yours?
• And finally you need to know the right actions to take that will move you towards your goal and be sustainable for the future.

As well as all of the above, any niche you choose must align with your own personal values and have in place personal boundaries that will work for you. You may be changing careers and building a business because your personal boundaries were trodden on in the past.

Discipline

Working for yourself can be an almost round the clock exercise unless you are disciplined in your approach. You don’t want to find yourself back in a painful situation of your own making. The Know Your Niche Workshop draws on the best in personal management to show you how to stop this happening.

My suggestion to any of you out there in the process of starting or building your business is to decide who your clients are going to be.  When Marks and Spencer’s ran their unsuccessful marketing campaign “Exclusively for everybody”, sales when down.

Why, because nothing is exclusively for everybody except the air we breathe. Making sure your marketing clearly attracts the clients you want is a skill that must be learned in order for your services or products to sell to the right people.

Be more attractive

Who doesn’t want to be more attractive?

I use the term literally here, as in the dictionary definition:  “Pleasing or appealing to the senses, arousing interest, a pulling force.”

The remarkable truth is that ANYONE can be attractive, can boost their powers of attraction, can cultivate the ability to arouse interest and draw others towards them. It really does have very little to do with the looks God dished out to us.

Attractiveness is a state of mind!

Gordon Ramsay, Russell Brand, Sarah Jessica Parker, Bette Midler. Even in the perfection-obsessed world of celebrity, you’ll find a growing number of rogue sex symbols who don’t fit easily into our perception of the conventionally attractive on the surface, but who exude attraction and sex appeal from every pore.

Passion

What they all possess in abundance is self-belief, a contagious passion for life and a healthy sense of individuality. In the words of the inimitable Ms Midler:

“Treasure forever what makes you unique, cos you’re really a yawn if it goes!”

In essence, that is the first step to becoming more attractive. Spend some time identifying what makes you special. What is it about you, at your best that sets you apart from the rest?

Make a list of at least 10 of your special attributes. Physical, personality, achievements… it’s up to you.

Now set about honouring these special qualities on a daily basis. Get in touch with your best self, and amazing things can happen.

Preconceptions

The next step towards greater attractiveness is about letting go of preconceptions. After years of thinking that attractiveness is just for the chosen few, often people need to give themselves permission to feel and be attractive.

Until we are able to accept ourselves as attractive beings, how on earth can we expect others to receive us in this way? This process could start with a simple affirmation such as  “I am willing to see myself as attractive.” Repeat this as often as possible. A change will come.

Next, we need to focus on image and first impressions. Attractive people take care of themselves. They look after their bodies and enjoy looking their best.

This is not to be confused with that particularly unattractive trait of vanity, and a preoccupation with image, fashion and appearance. Truly attractive people are simply comfortable and confident with the way they look.

They know they’ve made an effort to look good, and this frees them up to focus on more important things - like living their best life.

Five Top Tips To Be More Attractive

1. Establish what you want to attract

Let’s get specific. Create a description of your ideal friend/partner/business partner. Have fun. Jot down everything that comes to mind.

Try not to censor your ideas as “unrealistic” or “out of your league.” Establish what you want – then go for it.

2. Be playful

Stop trying so hard. Let go, and rediscover with your playful side. Smile, laugh; stay open to amusing and interesting possibilities.

3. Loosen up your body

Spend some time focusing on your body. Get comfortable in your own skin. To help you connect, why not try a dance class, yoga or a massage course? Keep your body language relaxed and open.

4. Live sensuously

Indulge and develop your senses. Enjoy beauty around you. Sharpen your appreciation for everyday scents and tastes. Listen with heightened awareness. Get in touch with how your body feels.

5. Believe, and it will happen

Choose how you want to feel. Affirm this to yourself, and then radiate your feeling to the world. It really is that simple. Go on and try it today!

1. Be prepared

Spend at least half an hour reviewing your current wardrobe. What will see you through to the end of summer? What needs to go right now? How can you update for autumn/winter?

Make a list. Stick to it!

2. Marks out of 10

Not sure if it’s quite what you want? Get into the habit of giving prospective purchases marks out of 10. Walk away for a minute. Anything below an 8 isn’t worth your hard-earned cash. Keep looking till you find your 10/10.

3. Look for classic pieces

Now is not the time to stock up on gypsy skirts and knitted shrugs. Avoid current or passing trends in favour of classic, timeless pieces. Shop a little out of your financial comfort zone. Quality and simplicity is key.

This season, you’ll find great trench coats, crisp tailoring, simple dresses, lots of white black and grey. These items are fail-safe. Stick to these, and you’ll be eternally stylish.

4. Don’t be afraid to come home empty handed

Can’t find anything on your list? Resist the temptation to buy items just for the sake of having a bag to take home. If you really can’t stand the idea of leaving empty handed, allow yourself a small treat, such as an accessory. Have a budget in mind here, too.

5. Shop smart

Remember that a bargain is only a bargain if you use it! That full-length evening dress may look divine on the hanger, but how many Black Tie functions do you actually attend?

Make sure your purchases fit your lifestyle, personality and figure. Lots of shops have an exchange-only policy on sales purchases, so shop wisely. To indulge your extravagant side, leave your purse at home and do some serious fantasy shopping!

But while you’re enjoying your break you can at the same time be giving yourself a boost that will take you home energised and ready for action in a way that will last much longer than your post-holiday glow.

These tried and tested ideas will help you to get the most out of a holiday and to avoid that post-holiday slump by setting up some good habits that’ll keep you on track to success and fulfillment, even after you get back home…

1. Appreciate your life

A holiday gives you space and time to step back from your life and appreciate what you have. I really appreciated my wife and daughter on my recent holiday and how lucky I am. I realised how much time we do waste on worrying about what we don’t have.

So be grateful and proud of who you are, what you have and what you’ve achieved in life. Write it down and look at it time and again.

2. Dream big!

But keep dreaming so think about your goals, dreams and aspirations. You’re on holiday so let your mind really go and get excited about your How you will achieve it is the thing you will do when you come back from holiday and work through yourself, or with a coach.

Write down your thoughts – you’ll get more excited.

3. Make a change

Decide to make some changes to your life. What are the things that frustrate you or the things that you tolerate but really would like to get rid of? It may mean doing those jobs you’ve been putting off for ages or going to the gym (you know, the one you joined as a New Years resolution and went to a few times in January.)

Whatever it is the period after your holiday when your are renergised is the best time to get into the action habit.

4. Decide to treat yourself to some quality time each week

One action you should take is to allocate 30-45 mins each week to think about you and your life – not the kids, work, your partner. Yes they are important but the most important person in your life is you. The holiday is a good start to get into the habit. You may get 30-45 minutes thinking time on the plane, on the beach or by the pool.

If when you get back and you can’t find the time then get a coach or a buddy who you have to keep an appointment with – this will make you find the time. This holiday made me realise that we all must reenergise our minds every week not once every few months when we have a holiday

5. Keep going

You need to be consistent at taking action and living up to the big dreams you set yourself.Commit to taking action every week towards your goal. Create an action plan and maybe review it with your coach or success buddy. By reviewing it with someone else you will ensure that you hold yourself accountable to the dreams you’ve committed to.

Making an action plan that is realistic but exciting, fits with your values and meets your goals is not only essential but extremely rewarding. As you complete each step remember to reward yourself and celebrate your successes.