Part Two

Where are you now?

I don’t know exactly where you are in your life right now.  However, since you are taking this course, it is a safe bet to say that you have reached your failure threshold.  You are at a point where you just can’t take the pain of your life anymore.  You have to do something – NOW.  Anthony Robbins, motivational speaker and author, says that we only change when we’ve reached our pain threshold or when we will get more pleasure out of changing than we will remaining the same.

That’s great!  You’ve overcome that first hurdle.  You are at the point where you want to change.  But I’ve already failed once, you think, what’s to stop me from failing again?  Brace yourself.  I’m about to tell you something you might find hard to believe.

Here is my two word answer to failure – so what!

So what if you fail again!?  Some of the best-known people in the world failed more than once or overcame obstacles to achieve great things.   Here are just a few, although I am sure you could name more.  Take a minute right now and list every person you know that has achieved great things despite failures or obstacles.

• Thomas Edison – his teachers thought of him as a failure
• Albert Einstein – difficulty in school; principal thought he was slow
• Christopher Reeves – paralyzed; before his recent death he was an advocate for quadriplegics
• Helen Keller – lived a full life despite being deaf and blind

So what!  Say that to yourself just one time.  “So what if I try and fail?” How does it make you feel? Scared, excited, empowered?  Say it again, this time out loud.  Remember, if you try and fail, you will at least know one more thing that doesn’t work for you.  You have to be willing to risk to achieve anything in life.  You have to be willing to put yourself out there!

A saying that has guided me through many difficult trials is this: Failure doesn’t have to be final.

Take motivational Christian speaker Sheila Walsh. Born in Scotland, she became a musician. She had the world at her feet.  She was also host of the widely popular 700 Club, which airs in many countries around the world.

Then, seemingly overnight her world changed.  She checked into a psychiatric wing of a hospital to fight depression.  In her book, The Heartache No One Sees, she says that her friends told her that taking that step was career suicide.  But she had to do it.

This “failure” eventually led her to a career of ministering to millions of women.  She speaks almost weekly to crowds of 10,000 or more in the Women of Faith conferences in the United States.  She also sings songs that reflect hope to many people around the world.  By her willingness to share her failure, she has helped many women overcome their own problems to lead happy, fulfilling lives.  What she thought as a “failure” opened doors, which led to a career that brings God’s love to millions!

Embrace your failures.  See them as limitless possibilities for the future.  Failures are opportunities that bring you to your next greatest moment: change.

Part Three

Change as a process

”You must be the change you wish to see in the world.”
Gandhi

Gandhi knew what he was talking about.  The only person you can change is yourself.  Sometimes we look so hard for a way to open the door (or person) that is closed that we forget that there is a window open.

We marry, thinking, “Well, I can get him/her to change” or “Once he’s changed, I’ll be happy.”  We waste our childhood thinking, “When I’m an adult, I’ll be happy.”  The list goes on.  Why should we wait to be happy?  Happiness is not a mystical illusion that only someone or some circumstance can give you!  Try it Gandhi’s way!

If you want to be in a happy world – be happy!

I know that some of you are thinking: “It’s not that simple.  You don’t know my life.” And, you are right!  I don’t know your life.  However, I do know that it is better to have problems than it is to have no problems.  There is one simple reason for this.  As motivational speaker Zig Ziglar says, the only people who have no problems live in the cemetery.   That might sound simplistic, but it is true.  As long as we are on this Earth, we will be faced with problems, or as we will call them from now on, challenges.

However, I know that you are ready to make this transformation.  You are in the slim minority who is doing something specific to change your life.  You’ve purchased this course, and if you will spend the next six weeks with me – I promise, you will change.  But to change successfully, you need to first figure out what is going wrong in your life and assess what you are doing right.  This will take some time.  You need to have a special notebook that you will use for this course.  Each day you will write your thoughts and feelings in this notebook.  It will serve as a reminder of where you have been and as positive reinforcement of where you are going.

Part Four

Taking the Plunge

Imagine an Olympic diver standing on the platform high above the crowd.  He has practiced his whole life for this moment, but unless he takes that one last step, he will never receive the gold medal waiting for him.  He has to take the plunge.

You are on a precipice now…one where you must make the decision to either jump into a new life or stand there.   You know the decision you long to make, want to make, and despair to make.  You’ve tried so many times, but something has held you back.

Let go today.

Imagine you are driving from Edinburgh to London.  You get on a highway and start driving.   Pretty soon, you see a sign for Inverness.  You know you are going the wrong way.  Would you keep going, hoping that somehow you can get to London on this road, or would you turn around?  If you would do that for an automobile trip, take some time to do it for your life.

Stop going down the road to nowhere and turn around.  The drive to your destiny is much more scenic!

Part Five

How to Start

First, you will need to suspend judgment for a moment.  Pretend that you are one of your close friends.  How does he/she see you?  Take a moment and write down all the positive characteristics your friend would point out.  Do you smile often?  Do you help others?  Do you make a habit of being prompt?  Are you dependable?  Take some time to really think about this.

Set an egg timer for 20 minutes and write until the timer goes off.  This exercise generally makes you feel good.  Don’t worry if you couldn’t think of many positives.  We will be doing this exercise again later in the course.  You will find that you will have many more positive responses.  But for now, read over this list and allow a feeling of hope come over you.

Next, answer the following questions:

1. What am I doing now to prepare for a different tomorrow?
2. If I keep acting the same way and doing the same things I’m doing now, what will my life look like in five years?
3. Is this picture one that I look forward to?

Take some time to really flesh out your answers.

Now, ask a trusted friend to tell you your three strengths.  You might be surprised!  And, if you are really brave, ask that friend to tell you your three weaknesses.  Now combine your list with your friend’s list.  Are you happy with the results?  Most people aren’t.  It’s nothing to worry about now.

You’ve admitted the problem and are ready to embark on your next adventure – evaluating the changes you need to make.  You have to know what to change to know how to change!

Action!

Actions of the Week

1. Keep your journal

Every evening list 10 things you are grateful for that happened that day.  Often we focus so long on the problems, that we don’t see the small mercies God grants us each day.  What happened today that made you smile?  Was it the birds singing?  The crisp feel of an autumn day?  It is important to do this, so don’t neglect it.

2. Adopt an attitude of self-respect.

Make sure that you like yourself.  If you are doing something you can’t agree with deep down, stop today.  You will never get anywhere in life by going against your values.  Remember, the most important person in your life needing respect is you.   With this in mind, begin a victory log.  In this log you will record anything (no matter HOW small it seems!) that you do right!  From walking the dog to showing up at your mother’s for dinner on time – anything positive should find its way into your log.

3. Compliment someone

Find someone today to give a real compliment to.  Don’t be false, but offer up a real, heartfelt compliment.  This helps you grow accustomed to looking for the good in others.  What we look for, we often find!

4. Smile

As simple as that!  When you smile, you make others feel good.  It is hard to resist a smile, so people will smile back at you, which will, in turn, make you feel better.

Take one small action

Work on doing something this week that you’ve been putting off.  Call that old love or clean out that refrigerator.  Do something to prove to yourself that you are in control of your own life.

5. Make a vow to change your perspective on failure.

Put an inspirational quote on your mirror, so that you see it every day. Keep failing…it is the only way you’ll get better!

Keep reminding yourself – I can do and be better!

Until next week – keep smiling!

Part Two

Your Values

In order to become excited, you have to know where you are going and how you plan to get there. In order to stay excited, you must be living a life in line with your values.

• Do you know what your values are?
• Have you ever spent time deciding on what you value?

Conflict in our lives often occurs when our values are not in line with what we are doing. For example, a man loves his wife and children. He values spending time with them. However, he has taken a job that takes him away from them six days a week. He will be in painful conflict.

Another way that values cause conflict is if you value two opposite goals at the same time. One good example is a person who has both the values of freedom and of intimacy. This person will have lots of conflict in her life until she (or he!) decides which value is more important to her.

If you have ever set goals and found yourself sabotaging your success, it may have been because your goals were not in line with your values. You didn’t choose goals that were valuable to you.

So, how do you go about determining your values?

Some were set for you by your environment as a child. You learned many of your values from your parents. Some you may not even want to have anymore. This module will help you determine your values, so that you can set goals that will work.

First, find a quiet place where you will be uninterrupted for the next half hour. Seek out a place that appeals to you. You might want to put on some soft music that you like. Light a candle. Make it relaxing. Next, think of what you value. List these values.

Add those values to the list below and rank them in order, with one being what you value the most.

• Love
• Adventure
• Family
• Health
• Freedom
• Security
• Excitement
• Power
• Passion
• Accomplishment
• Honesty
• Charity
• Service
• Leisure
• Commitment
• Spirituality

Are you finding this hard to do? Most things worth doing are hard to do. Really spend some time with this.

After you have finished, take your list of values that you have now placed in order.

• Does this list suit you?
• Are you finding anything that is incongruous?

If not, analyze the list for conflicting values. Do you have security as number one and adventure as number two? Do you have leisure as number one and accomplishment as number two? That’s a major conflict! Think about these values. Are any of these values limiting you? Do any hold you back? If so, eliminate them! It’s that easy!

Take your list and eliminate any value that you do not feel supports you. Once you have this in your conscious mind it is easier to see how the values you’ve held have stopped you along the way. For example, security used to be my number one value. Adventure was my second. This caused some major conflicts in my life until I realized that I do not NEED security, but I do need adventure! It may be the opposite for you.

Finally, use the list to guide you! Keep it handy. Whenever someone asks you to do something, think about the list. If what they want you to do does not fit in with your values, say, “No, thank you.” (We will talk about assertiveness later!)

Part Three

Values and Integrity

Your values are important because they help you live with integrity. Integrity is vital to turning your life around. We all know people that we admire because they are true to themselves. Mother Theresa comes to mind. She wanted to accomplish something to help others and she did. She was a person of high integrity.

Integrity to yourself means that you stop deceiving yourself. Lying to yourself is the worst thing you can do. Not being able to trust yourself is a horrible way to live. Another way we steal our integrity is through acting like a victim. The victim mentality is self-destructive. Yes, bad things have happened to you. Not to diminish those horrible things, but bad things happen to lots of people. The time for the “Woe is me” chat has passed!

Every single time you reminisce on how bad your life has been you reinforce the negative concept. It is a self-destructive cycle. If you continually talk negatively, you will bring more negative things into your life. Your subconscious brain only does what it is programmed to do. If you say you are a victim, your subconscious mind continues to program you to be a victim. This is why you end up with the same type of relationship over and over again.

We will talk more about positive talk and the victim mentality in another module. For now, just try to speak as positively as you can. The old adage, “If you don’t have something good to say, don’t say anything” applies here!

Part Four

Your Mission in Life

“Everyone has his own specific vocation or mission in life; everyone must carry out a concrete assignment that demands fulfillment. Therein he cannot be replaced, nor can his life be repeated, thus, everyone’s task is unique as his specific opportunity.” Viktor Frankl

If you could rate the passion you have for your life on a scale of 1 to 10, where would you rate yourself?

Most people I’ve worked with would pick a two or three. That’s sad, considering we all have the power to live at a nine or ten consistently. I’m not being unrealistic. We CHOOSE how we react to situations. We also choose to be happy or sad. That’s a fact of life.

One way you can help choose to be happy all the time is by having a personal mission statement. It is one of the easiest ways to get and stay motivated. It gives you a focus – a center to come back to when you feel lost and confused. Your mission statement may change over the years, but it will help guide you in difficult times.

Be very clear about this next point. Your mission statement is not your career category or your role in life. Your mission statement is not “journalist” or “sanitation worker” or even “mother”, “wife”, or “caretaker”. Your mission statement should capture the essence of WHO you are and WHAT you feel is important for your life.

Part Five

Creating Your Personal Mission Statement

Find a quiet place, like you did for the values exercise. Take out your journal. Open it to a blank page and list everything that you think is important in your life.

• Think about who you want to become, not just what you want to gain from life.
• Answer questions such as:
  • What do I want to give to the world?
  • Who do I most admire and why?
  • Would I want the character traits of that person to describe me?

This is an eye-opening exercise. It gives you a chance to dig deeper into yourself to see who you are. All too often we do not give ourselves the credit we deserve!

Now, take those answers and your list of values.

• Do you see a recurring theme?
• Do you see a pattern?
• What is that pattern?

Take a breather after you’ve gotten this far. Walk away and let the ideas percolate in your brain for a day or two. You’ll be pleasantly surprised when you come back to this. Your brain is constantly working and will have new ideas for you.

After some time has passed, come back to the activity.

Do you see a pattern? Now, how do you want to apply that to your life?

Take this pattern and see what all the elements have in common. Also think about key areas in your life and how you would apply your newfound knowledge to those areas.

Now, all you have to do is WRITE the mission statement. For most people this is the hardest part. It doesn’t have to be perfect. It should be no more than two sentences because you want to remember it easily.

Here is an example of a mission statement. Mine as it happens.

I will inspire others through teaching them how to live more productive lives.

Your mission statement does not have to be exactly like mine. It just needs to be done. Take some time now to write your mission statement. Keep in mind that the statement is not set in stone – you can add to it, or even change it, if necessary.

Now that you have a mission statement – you have your purpose in life. Feels good, doesn’t it?

Post it where you can see it everyday.

Then, smile and take a breather

Action!

Actions of the Week

1. Make a contribution

Give something back to society. What we sow, we reap. It is so important to give. You will find out that what you put out there comes back to you. In your journal, make a list of ten people that you can do something for with no hope of getting something in return. Now, go do it! Then, come back and write down how it made you feel.

2. Do one thing you fear

This is tough. Start small. Pick one thing that terrifies you and do it. Risk is a crucial aspect of changing your life. It can be as simple as asking someone for a date or jumping off the high diving board at the pool. It is a wonderful feeling when you conquer a fear.

3. Get naked!

Bet that caught your eye! What I mean is that you need to strip off the masks that you’ve used to protect yourself. You put on faces for different people. Be honest with someone you trust about who you really are.

3. Find a mentor

We will discuss this in much more detail later. For now, all it means is find someone you greatly admire. It may be someone you know, or you may choose someone famous. For now, just search for someone that embodies most of the characteristics you admire.

4. Jump!

Take ten minutes a day and get out there and exercise. Not to lose weight (although that could be an added benefit), but to get energized. The more energetic you are – the more enthusiastic you are able to be. So, get off the couch and go outside. Walk around your neighbourhood paying attention to all the small things that you are usually too busy to see. Enjoy the fresh air and listen to the joyful sounds of the children playing. Let their energy seep into you. Become inspired.

5. Keep up the gratitude attitude

Keep listing ten things that you are grateful for in your journal every single night. Do not go to bed until you have done this. I am sure you are already seeing what a difference it can make in your life. You must be happy with what you have before you will be rewarded with better gifts! That is one reason why your mother always made you say “thank you” for your birthday presents.

Until next week, keep smiling!

Part Two

A Goal-setting Primer

“Crystallize your goals. Make a plan for achieving them and set yourself a deadline. Then, with supreme confidence, determination and disregard for obstacles and other people’s criticisms carry out your plan. “ Paul Meyer

1. Write Your Obituary

The first thing you need to know to set realistic goals is what you want out of life.

An easy way to figure this out is with the obituary exercise. Sit down with your journal and think about what you want your obituary to say. Be silly with this. Do not limit yourself at all. As a matter of fact, put down ANYTHING that comes to mind. The only guideline is to remember that obituaries are short and to the point. Here is an example.

Thompson, Kristie, age 115, passed away quietly at her mansion in Knoxville, Tennessee on Tuesday. Thompson, a well-known motivational speaker, spent the last 80 years of her life helping others achieve their goals. As a former senator, she was responsible for helping with many peace accords in the Middle East, as well as humanitarian efforts in more than 40 countries.

She was the author of countless books, both non-fiction and fiction, which hit the New York Times bestseller list. She was an advisor to presidents and was crucial in the new education goal setting initiative recently passed in Congress. This new initiative requires schools across the country to carry goal-setting classes as part of the curriculum. This program is hailed as the largest success story in the history of education. She is survived by her three children, 10 grandchildren, 21 great-grandchildren, her younger brother and several nieces and nephews. Pallbearers include the President of the United States and many Hollywood celebrities. Services will be held tomorrow in Washington, as well over 3,000 people, including the British Prime Minister and other heads of state, are expected to attend.

As you can see, I held nothing back! It is easy to see what many of my goals are from this simple exercise. Service to others is part of my mission statement, and this comes through in the obituary exercise. Do not worry if you have trouble with this. Come back to it several times.

Once you’ve completed the obituary exercise, you are ready to begin goal setting.

I recommend that you allow a day to pass between the obituary section and getting your goals on paper.

Part Three

2. Brainstorming

Take out eight sheets of paper. Label them like this.

• On top of the first sheet, write the words “career goals”.
• The other sheets will be labelled
  • family goals
  • spiritual goals
  • physical goals
  • education goals
  • contribution goals
  • adventure goals
  • financial goals

Most people combine some of these into one category, such as “career and financial” but I feel strongly that while brainstorming it is best to have as many categories as possible.

Now, take one of these sheets of paper and a timer. Set the timer for 20 minutes and write down everything that comes to mind regarding that specific heading. At this time, do not worry if it is an achievable goal or not. You are simply putting down anything and everything you think will fit into that category. Write continuously for twenty minutes. When you finish, do NOT look back over the sheet. You will be tempted to erase some of your ideas. Take out another sheet and repeat the process.

I do not recommend doing more than three goals in any one day. Take a breather and come back to the remaining ones tomorrow.

Part Four

3. BIG SMART Goals

After you complete this exercise, you will have a list of possible goals. Take the lists and a highlighter. Highlight any of the goals that creates in you a sense of urgency, that is, any goal you want to work on now.

I tell my students and clients that in order to achieve a goal, your goal has to be BIG and SMART. These acronyms help us as we set our goals.

BIG stands for Bold, Integrity, and Goal.

Your goal should be a bold goal.
If you are currently running 5 K a day, setting a goal to compete in a 5K running competition is not bold. Setting a goal to compete in a marathon, however, would be.

Your goal also needs to have integrity.
Your goal should be in line with your values. Most of us would not rob a financial institution to reach our goal of more wealth. However, there are many small ways that can rob us of our integrity. You must guard against that as you achieve your goals.

Finally, you must have a goal.
Not a wish or a dream, but an actual goal.

The SMART acronym tells us how to set a real goal. Any goal you set must be a SMART one!

Specific: Your goal must be specific. You have to be very descriptive in what you want. What do you hope to do? Why do you want to do it?

Measurable: You have to know that you have achieved your goal. What criteria will you set to show you that your goal has been obtained? An example of a weak goal is “I want more money.” A measurable goal would state, “I earn ₤30,000.”

Action-oriented: Your goal must be action-oriented. Otherwise it is a wish and not a goal. Instead of saying, “I want ₤30,000” say “I earn ₤30,000” Use action verbs.

Realistic: This is not an excuse to set a small goal. Remember, a goal must be bold, but it must be attainable as well. Here is where you set a goal that will cause you to stretch beyond yourself. If you have been earning ₤20,000, you would not set a goal of ₤22,000. You also would not set a goal of ₤1,000,000, either! You would probably set a goal of ₤35,000. This would be a stretch, and you would have to work at it. You must create a sense of urgency in your brain.

Time-oriented: Your goal must have a time limit. You cannot have an open-ended date to achieve your goal. Otherwise, you will never work at it. You must set a specific deadline for completing a goal. For example, I didn’t say, “I will someday write a class on Turning Your Life Around.” I gave myself a specific deadline by which the entire course had to be completed.

Now you have the steps to set a successful goal.

Next week, we will work on writing these goals and managing them in bite-sized chunks so that they can be accomplished.

This week, concentrate solely on brainstorming for all of the areas we talked about.

Action!

Actions of the Week

1. Stop procrastinating!

If you did not do all of the exercises above, I highly urge you to do them before moving on to the next module. Each module builds on the one before it, and if you do not work on these exercises, you are wasting your time.

Experience does not come out of reading about something – experience comes out of doing. I imagine Sir Edmund Hillary felt a great deal different reading about climbing Mt. Everest than he did when he was actually climbing it. There is no substitution for trying.

2. Treat yourself!

You are halfway through this course. It is time to treat you for being such a hard worker! Don’t wait until you finish to reward yourself – reward yourself for getting this far. With children, jobs, and countless other things that take up our time, it is a big accomplishment to have gotten this far. Buy yourself something small that you’ve wanted or simply take a long relaxing bath. Only you know what you need now.

3. Keep up the journaling

It is very important to continue with your gratitude journal. I am sure it is helping you already in your daily relationships. This helps you see what all you have been blessed with in your life. It also allows you to give thanks for what you have. Abundance leads to abundance. That is a big reason why the rich get richer.

4. Write down your greatest strengths

We did this once, but I imagine that you can think of many more strengths today than you did three weeks ago. I can think of one for you – perseverance! Come up with at least ten. You can do it!

5. Read your mission statement daily and act on it

Keep your mission statement in the forefront of your mind. The only way to do this is to read it in the morning and at night. Read it more if you are able. Stick it on your bathroom mirror!

Until next week, keep smiling!

Part Two

Your Action Plan

Setting up your action plan is not difficult either. All you do is list your overall goal and then the steps necessary for achieving that goal. These are often called short-term goals. You also give each step of your action plan a time frame as well. My overall goal might be to write a book. My first action step might be to buy a book on fiction writing by Oct. 1, 2010. My next step might be to write 10 pages in the first week. It is this easy!

When you have your initial action plan, get out your calendar for the next week. Look for any time that you can set aside to work on your goal. Pencil it in as an appointment. For example, pencil in time at the gym if that is one of your goals. YOU are important. It is crucial that you see time for yourself as productive time. Do this every week. You will be amazed at how much more you accomplish towards your goals.

Having an action plan is like putting blinders on a horse. It keeps you focused on what is important to you, so that your dreams don’t get lost in a pile of housework or in the stack of bills to be paid.

Part Three

Overcoming Obstacles

“Obstacles are those frightening things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.” Henry Ford

One of the major reasons New Year’s resolutions fail is that there is no well thought out action plan for the resolutions. I will be doing a seminar about this very thing for a gym in my hometown. But never fear – you will now be among the three percent of the world that have written goals.

Have you ever filled out a “to do” list? Weren’t you shocked to see how much you accomplished towards your list that day? That’s what an action plan can do for you. The best action plan foresees obstacles and gives you several ways to overcome them.

My biggest obstacle to weight loss is a love of chocolate. When I was writing out my action plan, I knew I would have to come up with some way to satisfy my craving so I would not be sideswiped by chocolate. I built in one cheat day each week. It makes it easier to overcome the desire to eat if I know I can have it guilt-free on Friday!

It is important to foresee any obstacles you might face. If you’ve set a goal to run a marathon, and you know you hate cold weather, you need to find an indoor track. If you already have a plan to deal with the obstacles, they are easy to overcome. It is like having a spare tire in case of an accidental blowout on Kirkstone Pass (this happened to me!). It allows you to simply put on the new tire and head off to ride the boat on Ullswater. In other words – it frees you to focus on your dream.

Part Four

Looking for the Positive

We often see obstacles as negative. However, they can be positive.

There is an old legend about a man who sells his farm to look for diamonds. He looks all his life, but never finds any diamonds. His farm, however, turns out to hold one of the largest diamond mines ever discovered.

For the farmer, the obstacle to his happiness was his farm. He felt that he couldn’t look for diamonds without selling his farm. So he did, only to find that his obstacle held all the answers to his dreams. Sometimes what appears to be an obstacle is really a wake-up call to action.

There are many examples of people who have lost their job only to find out that this traumatic event was the best thing that could have happened to them. These people were then forced to look at their career aspirations in a new light. They started businesses, wrote novels, began acting – you name it. Their obstacle became a new path to what they had only dreamed about!

My client, Micki (not her real name), felt forced to quit her job at a bank after a confrontation with authority. She succeeded in seeing this obstacle as a positive, and now has a job where she is much happier. She has better hours and higher pay. The same thing can happen for you!

Take some time now and think about an obstacle in your life. See if you can look at it from another angle.

Could it be a blessing in disguise? Is there any opportunity here that you may be missing? Ask a trusted friend (or your life coach) to look at it with unbiased eyes and see if you might be missing something. If so, take action. If not, look for other areas for benefits. It is often said that God never closes a door without opening a window. I firmly believe this to be true.

I know that when my first marriage broke up, I was devastated. More at my perceived failure than from any real sorrow over the marriage – but still, I was upset. However, I realized later that this obstacle – a failed marriage – had the seeds for greatness. I realized I was tougher than I thought, since I’d maintained a full course load at college and worked two part-time jobs while still maintaining a home. I realized that I could handle pain and heartache. Most importantly, I knew what was unacceptable to me in a marriage. This has allowed me to understand myself more – making me a better person to be with in a relationship.

Obstacles are not roadblocks – they are only detours. It is your perception of the event that holds you back, not the actual event. Keep that in mind as you are achieving your dreams.

If you are facing an obstacle, please look at it with “fresh eyes” before you miss an opportunity (although not always a blessing) in disguise.

In 1980, a mother named Candy Lightner lost her twelve-year old daughter in an accident involving a drunk driver. It also looked as if the man guilty of killing her daughter might go free. This obstacle would have crushed most women.

Her reaction saved countless lives. The obstacle she faced was two-fold. First, she had to face her daughter’s death. That is something that requires time and grieving. The other obstacle was the fact that the man who killed her daughter might not have to pay for his crime. This is the obstacle she overcame by founding MADD. She could have remained in her anger, feeling helpless and out of control.

Instead, Lightner used it to help others. She founded Mothers Against Drunk Driving (MADD) to bring awareness to this insidious crime. Since MADD’s inception, laws against drinking and driving have been made stricter throughout the U.S. and more people have been made aware of the dangers.

Lightner, in her book Giving Sorrow Words, says for her, being fulfilled means being committed to an issue. As her life has changed, her issues have changed. She says that she did not allow herself to grieve for her daughter when she formed MADD. She admits this was a mistake.

Lightner is a good example of someone who has evolved over time and has learned from her mistakes. She learned to grieve for her daughter. In addition, she has not stayed stagnate. She worked with MADD until she felt that it was time to go. She took control of her own life.

Your life is yours – isn’t it time that you make the choices that control it?

Action!

Actions of the Week

1. Take a break!

You have come so far over the last few weeks. It is time to take a day off. Relax and take time for yourself today. You should take at least 20 minutes for yourself every single day!

2. Look for positive occurrences in your daily life

Look around you. Just about every day something good happens to you. Often though, we are so focused on the negative we fail to see the little things that happen to us that are beneficial. Take an awareness check and mentally note every nice thing that happens to you today.

3. Give a compliment

Make someone’s day today with a true compliment. This is especially effective if you have young children. You can start their day off right with just one compliment. This also boosts your happiness level!

4. Read your goals daily

Every day, review your goals. Each week, sit down and prepare your action plan for that week. You should do something every single day to help you achieve your goal. It doesn’t have to be big, but you still need to do something. Momentum builds as you move towards your goal. You are halfway there!  Keep it up!

5. Read your mission statement daily and act on it

Every day, review your goals. Each week, sit down and prepare your action plan for that week. You should do something every single day to help you achieve your goal. It doesn’t have to be big, but you still need to do something. Momentum builds as you move towards your goal. You are halfway there! Keep it up!

Until next week, keep smiling!

Part Two

Find a superhero

The first step on your path to creating your new identity is to find someone you admire. It can be a person you know or it can be someone you have only seen on the movie screen.

Now, take out a pencil and your journal. Tell me what you admire about that person. Be specific. Go beyond the superficial. You don’t even particularly have to like the person to admire something about them. One thing I admire about Madonna is her spunk. She never lets anyone stand in her way.

Look at your list. You have a list of qualities that you aspire to have in your life. You can have all these qualities. It is simply a matter of keeping them in the forefront of your mind. Let’s say you are shy. One of the character traits that you admire is having an outgoing personality. You are going to a party where you don’t really know anyone. Fake it till you make it! Be outgoing. The worst thing that could happen is that you get the cold shoulder. That isn’t so terrible. What is terrible is wanting to be one way, yet acting another. I know from personal experience.

For years, I felt trapped in a dead-end existence. I was working at a job that I hated. I was sick from stress due to my job. I felt like all I did was work, come home, sleep, and work again. I wanted to work out at a gym, but I was too tired at the end of the day to drag myself there. All of this stress and negativity affected my marriage as well. I was bitter and argumentative. In short, I was hard to live with! I set goals, but I never reached them. It was because I didn’t put the work into it that was necessary to realize my dreams. I didn’t force myself to do things that were painful in the short-term but that would pay off in the long run.

One of my dreams was to travel overseas. The two things holding me back were money and, in one instance, a travelling companion. It is expensive, but I found as I readjusted my priorities – if you really want to do a thing, you WILL find a way. By sacrificing a few simple pleasures and saving money each month, I was able to save enough to finance my trip. I overcame the obstacle of not having a travelling companion by simply going solo (that was one of my favourite trips).

For the past four years (five, including this coming spring), I have made it to Europe, Jamaica, the Bahamas, and Mexico. Now, people are always asking me, “Where are you going next?” or “Next year, when you go to Europe, can I go with you?” I did it all because I learned to visualize my goals and how to change MY perception of who I was. Believe me, travelling through a country by myself for 12 days, changed my perception of myself from a dependant person to an independent person.

So, how do you do it?

It’s a very simple process. It involves visualisation of what you want to accomplish. Studies have shown visualization to be an effective tool in creating the life you want. As a matter of fact, I am sure you use visualization now – in a negative way. Do you find yourself thinking about all the ways something could go wrong? That’s the opposite of what we want to do.

Visualisation is a strong ally on your road to your dreams.

Part Three

Visualise Success

Your subconscious mind cannot tell the difference between what is real and what is imagined. This part of your mind is the part that is always working. You must program it to work for you, not against you. All it involves is a little preparation.

Many people are visual learners. It helps to have pictures of what they want in front of them. So, the first thing you need to do is to create a dream board.

Create a Dream Board

On this board you will place pictures of your dreams.

First, take your goals. Cut out any picture that looks like a visual image of your goal. I still do this. Just a month ago, I found a magazine article discussing weight loss. The main person in the article was named Kristie. The tag line read, “Kristie lost 20 lbs. in 40 days!” Even though I don’t have that much weight to lose, I cut it out and put it on my dream board to help me visualise eating better.

If your goal is a new house – find a picture of a new house. If the goal was to lose weight, find a picture of a person who is at your ideal weight and paste a picture of your head on her body. Second, find a picture of a woman who seems to embody those characteristics you want to claim as your own. If you picked a mentor that is often in the news, find her picture. Put everything you can think of on this board. Make sure you place this board in a spot where you can see it every day.

Perfect Practice

The next step on your road to your dream is actual visualisation. There is a saying that I agree with totally. “Practice doesn’t make perfect. Perfect practice makes perfect.” The only way you can have consistent perfect practice is through visualisation.

The first time you try this it might be a bit difficult. It will get easier with time.

Take your list of qualities you admire. Think of a situation you will soon be in where you would need to use each of those qualities to be the person you want to be. Now, find a place to relax where you will not be disturbed. Darken the room and sit comfortably with your hands on your lap. You could lie down, but if you are anything like me, you work so hard that the minute you lie down, your brain says, “Ahhh, sweet sleep.” I have to sit up for this. Try it and see what works best for you.

Now, slowly focus on each body part. Start at your toes. Squeeze them tightly and then let them relax. Work your way up your body, all the way to the top of your head. Once you’ve done that, imagine your body being so heavy that you can’t lift your arms. They are sinking into your legs. Your legs are sinking into the floor. You should be totally relaxed. If it helps, you can write out a script that you can listen to that will guide your relaxation.

Once you are relaxed, picture the scene in your mind. We’ll use a party scenario, just for fun. Imagine that the hostess opens the door for you. You walk in confidently, head held high, shoulders back. You smile at the people by the door, all the while scanning the crowd, looking for someone. You see someone standing alone by the refreshments. You walk up to him or her, nodding and smiling at all the people you pass, and introduce yourself. You make fantastic conversation, and then you part to meet another person. Once you’ve spent 10-15 minutes visualizing, take a deep breath, stretch, and get on with your day. You will feel more confident and energized. It is as simple as that.

However, small bouts of visualisation work well too. Every morning, before you get out of bed, picture your dream. Every evening, picture it again, as you lie in bed. Fall asleep thinking about your dream. You will have a more restful sleep, as well as become the person you were meant to be.

You will see a change in yourself within a few weeks. You must try something for about one month before it becomes a habit. Visualize for at least 20 minutes a day, every day!

Congratulations! You are well on the way to becoming the “you” you were meant to be!

Action!

Actions of the Week

1. Create a dream board

Make sure you create a dream board. Don’t skip this action.

Seeing visual reminders of your goals each day helps you to stay on target. As you grow at this, you might want one dream board per goal.

2. Visualize your goals each day

Take the time early in the morning and late at night to visualize your goals. Then throughout the day, take a few minutes to visualize the goals again. You can do it. It is just a matter of readjusting your priorities.

3. Take an active break

You can visualize while walking, running, working out with weights – just don’t close your eyes!

4. Keep a victory journal

Every day list ways that you see your goal coming to fruition. You will be surprised at what you see – especially if you are taking steps to achieve your goal.

5. Be the new you!

Don’t wait until a month or two has passed! Begin being the new you today! As I said earlier, “Fake it till you make it”. The worst thing that can happen is that you are a little more self-confident.

Until next week, keep smiling (and I bet your smile is growing bigger – day by day!)

Part Two

Controlling Your Emotions

Now I am not saying that you shouldn’t embrace your emotions – you should! It is unhealthy to hold in your emotions.

I am saying, however, that we should not make your home there. Too many people allow themselves to constantly be in a state of pain. It is healthy to say, “That statement made me feel sad.” It is unhealthy to say, “You made me sad.” With the second statement, you give up your power to another person.

I have a relative (we will call her Lucy – not so much to protect her privacy as to protect me!) who is constantly mad at one person or another. When her sister accidentally forgot to call on her birthday, Lucy said her sister hated her.

Another time Lucy bought some perfume. I loved the scent and bought my own bottle. Lucy was upset that I would dare copy her. Any suggestion to Lucy that she needs to calm down or that she is making too much of an issue will bring a barrage of anger. This constant upheaval of emotions has added to Lucy’s already life-threatening illness.

It would be much better for her to tell the other person what she is feeling at that moment, and then to simply forget it.

Negative emotions, such as anger, have a detrimental effect on our bodies. According to medical doctor Randall M. DeVault II, anger causes increase in stress hormones which can lead to high blood pressure, which can in turn lead to headaches and heart attacks. Keeping this in mind, it is the person who holds the grudge that ends up in pain, not the person he or she is holding the grudge against!

It is important to let go of unhealthy emotions.

Stress and Health

Stress is another unhealthy emotion. It is the stress hormone that causes cortisol levels to rise. Many people live with stress on a constant basis. Stress.org calls stress America’s number one health problem, and according to the Health and Safety Executive workplace stress in the UK is equally high.

Part Three

Taking Personal Responsibility

From working with children, I’ve learned how easy it is to put blame on others. Cries of “he caused it” and “he did it – not me!” are often a child’s first defence. Unfortunately, this is a habit we often do not outgrow as we become adults. Taking responsibility for our actions is a large part of turning our lives around!

Responsibility. Henry Kissinger said, “People think responsibility is hard to bear. It’s not. I think that sometimes it is the absence of responsibility that is harder to bear. You have a great feeling of impotence.” If you are not responsible for your life and your actions, then you are not in control of them either! This means that you have relinquished control over your life to someone else.

In my first marriage, I faced physical and emotional abuse. My husband was a child (we both were, really, at 19), and he acted like a child. When he didn’t get his way, he would use his physical strength to intimidate me, and to force me to do what he wanted me to do.

This lack of control is what terrified me most. The fact that I felt I could not control what was happening to me was one of the most traumatic events I had ever faced. It wasn’t until I realized that I did have control and that I needed to take responsibility to say, “I made a mistake. I want a divorce” that I was able to heal. I took back that control of my life by taking responsibility.

I am not saying I was responsible for the fact that he abused me. I am not saying that I caused the abuse in ANY way. If you are going through the same experience, it is NOT your fault.

However, I am saying that I needed to take responsibility for still being there for him to have a punching bag. I could leave. I will be the first to admit that it was easier for me than most. I had a loving family to go to. But, other women without families still manage to leave. Even if I hadn’t had a family to go to, there are abuse shelters around. Some women have legitimate fears about what a spouse might do to retaliate if they leave.

If this is your situation, talk to law enforcement. You can also find information online.

Responsibility is not always easy. In fact, most of the time it is difficult. There are times when you may feel that you are in no way responsible for what has happened to you. And you might be right. But you are always responsible for how you react to the problem.

Rachel was a 26-year-old mother of one when she found out she had ovarian cancer. Her dreams of a family were just beginning when they were tragically shattered in one moment. An emergency hysterectomy was performed to destroy the cancer. The only problem was it would also destroy the chance of more children. Children Rachel desperately wanted.

Facing these circumstances, Rachel could have become bitter. After all, it was not her FAULT that she had ovarian cancer. It was not something she signed up for. It was a horrible occurrence in which she was forced to survive. Instead of bemoaning her fate and becoming bitter, she took responsibility and decided to look at the bright side. She was alive. God had seen fit to give her a gorgeous, healthy, intelligent daughter before the cancer struck. She decided she wanted to live happily. Today, six years later, she is still healthy and cancer-free.

Part Four

Do you take responsibility for your actions?

Here’s a short quiz to help you determine your “responsibility IQ”.

• Do you find yourself blaming others? For example, when you are late, do you say “My wife made me late”?
• Do you often make excuses instead of accepting blame?
• Do you look for the good in others?
• Do you look for the good in yourself?

If you answered yes to the first two, you have trouble taking responsibility. It is time to start to change that. You can never turn your life around if you aren’t in the driver’s seat!

One way to start taking responsibility is to stop making excuses (even legitimate ones). Just say,“I’m sorry. It won’t happen again.” Then make sure it doesn’t happen again. Another way to begin to take responsibility is to not blame others for your mistakes. Even if your wife took too long to get dressed, she didn’t make you late. You had the option of leaving without her! You CHOSE to stay instead and wait on her.

Another way to take responsibility is to stop waiting for permission. I was a very obedient daughter. In some ways, this is a great attribute. In others, it isn’t. It caused me to have a deep respect for authority. But authority is not always right. Just because my parents may not agree with a course of action I am taking, does not make me wrong in taking it. It is intelligent to seek advice, but you must remember that YOU are ultimately in charge of your destiny. You don’t have to ask for permission.

I am going to Ireland this spring. I asked a friend of mine if she would like to accompany me. She replied that she would have to ask her boyfriend. The coach in me took over, and I asked her some questions. She and I discussed who was in control of her life. It is one thing to seek her boyfriend’s counsel before embarking on such a journey, but it is an entirely different thing to ask his permission!

By being responsible, you take control. You no longer have to wait for another person’s permission before you act. You might also find that the person you’ve been relying on will be happier as well. After all, it is a tremendous responsibility to be the source of someone’s happiness (or unhappiness). Take your life back and you will be able to finally have the life you’ve dreamed of. Pursue your goals with the knowledge that when you get there, you will have been the reason!

Action!

Actions of the Week

1. Celebrate!

You’ve finished the course. You have shown hard work and determination, and now you need to celebrate your victory. Invite your two closest supporters to go out for a bite and tell them one thing you’ve learned about yourself during the past six weeks. One of the best ways to remember something is to teach other people the topic.

2. Press on

Now that you have finished this course, don’t forget to keep moving. Look at your goals daily. Recharge by reading motivational books. Take a walk or perform some type of physical activity daily.

3. Keep your journal

Continue with your journal habit. Keep writing what you are grateful for each night.

4. Find faith to go on

One reason I was able to turn my life around was because of a deep and abiding faith in God. I urge you to read The Case for a Creator by Lee Strobel. Read this book with an open mind. Or check out your local church. My faith in God moved me through many difficult times.

5. Savour your success!

You now have the tools you need to turn your life around. Go out there and take on the world! Your new motto: VICTORY!

Write to me and let me know of your successes! I’d be so happy to hear about them.

I wish you joy and strength in your new life!

With love,
Kristie

Kristie Dean is a life coach who specialises in coaching victims who have
experienced trauma. A victim of spousal abuse and stalking, she managed to
not only turn her life around, but design it so it is abundant. She has a
passion for helping others do the same.
Feel free to contact her at Kristie@KristieDean.com.