Significant You

Many great philosophers talk of basic human needs, the need to be loved, to have human contact, to contribute, etc. One of the most important is the quest for significance.

We need to feel special, to know we are being heard, cherished, adored and looked up to on a personal, professional, or whatever other level is important for each of us.

We look up to and admire the way legendary leaders have inspired us through the years. Think Nelson Mandela, John F Kennedy, Winston Churchill, and Bill Clinton and whether we subscribe to their brand of personal or public politics we cannot deny their charisma and ability to express themselves.

Stars and Leaders

In industry and big business names such as Bill Gates, Richard Branson and investor Warren Buffett spring to mind. We have and have had in the past great spiritual leaders such as the Dali Lama and Pope John Paul II. Nowadays we are entertained by and admire stars such as Madonna, Robbie Williams, Brad Pitt and a myriad of fellow celebrities.

However, whilst admiring them in one breath is healthy, quickly following with “of course, we could never be like them ourselves” isn’t.

If we think nothing of giving those we admire the significance they seek by expressing themselves so publicly, what then stops us giving ourselves permission to do the same in our own life?

Whilst I’m not suggesting everyone would want to be like any of their heroes, some of whom might be mentioned above, to be able to understand and evaluate what makes the best of what we like about them, so that we can then re-interpret those actions to help us on our own journey is not only achievable, it’s advisable. Isn’t that how we learn anyway?

Inspired

We are inspired and learn from our parents. We are inspired and taught by our teachers and those we look up to throughout our formative years. Throughout all we take the parts we like and discard those we don’t. We make selections. We choose. We create who we are based on those we aspire to be like. However, if that’s the case, then…

Q. How do we know if we’re on the right track?

A. By expressing ourselves.

Q. And how do we then know if what we’re doing works?

A. By getting feedback, by making contact, by connecting; by achieving significance.

“I always thought I should be treated like a star.”
Madonna

Your Personal Significance

How significant do you feel right now? Big question, I know, so let’s chunk down a little and look at each individual area of your life, for example:

• home
• work
• finance
• community
• partner
• family
• friends
• health
• leisure
• project (hobby) ….. to name a few.

Write your own list of areas that are important to you right now in your life, and then ask yourself the following questions with complete honesty:

• How significant do I feel in this area right now (rate 1-10, 10 being exceptional)?
• What specifically happens, and/or do others do in order to make me feel significant?
• What level would I like to be at?
• If I’m not at that level right now, what would need to happen for me to reach it?

Maintaining a level of significance in your life and being the one who instigates that course is immensely important to your overall psychological makeup.

Richard Bandler, one of the creators on NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming) put it in a nutshell when he said: “Brains aren’t designed to get results; they go in directions. If you know how the brain works you can set your own directions. If you don’t, then someone else will.”

For those of you wanting to understand and utilize some aspects of NLP, you will have your opportunity later in this course, beginning in module 2, “How To Get What You Want (And Want What You Have).”

Supporting Evidence

One of the many great bonuses of being able to address and top up your quotient of significance is in being able to create and attract more and more win-win situations to your life, and in essence “stacking” them in your memory for later use.

Stacking is another way of describing the art of providing supporting evidence that “X” is true in your world.

How will you know if you’re meeting your innate need to feel significant? By checking off your list of win-win situations.

The more you have, the more evidence there will be that you are taking action and being heard. And the more your do that the more your need for significance will have been met – which in itself is a win-win strategy!

Win-Win

A win-win philosophy is what I want you to introduce into your life. But what does the expression really mean, and even more importantly, how can you create it if you don’t already have it, and how specifically can you use it to improve your dealings with other people?

Firstly, win-win means that both parties WIN. It is the opposite of the win-lose philosophy.

Win-lose simply means that if I win, you lose (or vice versa).

Many great philosophers have suggested how even though with win-lose one of the parties is heralded the winner in actual fact both parties lose. So win-lose is really lose-lose.

Not very attractive, I think you’ll agree. Even though this seems at first sight quite a strange suggestion, when put into many real life scenarios it does in fact actually ring true.

Most obviously, in war even when one side conquers the other it is generally accepted that both sides have lost, in that both suffered terrible losses in terms of casualties, economic resources, not to mention the greater argument of human development and evolution.

Business takeovers, cornering the market, driving competition out of business is another scenario where in the near to medium term the consumer soon comes to realize how a monopoly equals higher prices with little prospect of redress.

More personally, if you have to lose in order for me to feel like a winner, then ultimately I’ve lost, too.

“It’s important to me that I should be free to express myself.”
George Michael

With win-win both sides win and nobody loses. Of course, allowing your potential opposition to succeed with the freedom to do as they please in the future takes immense courage.

It also involves self-awareness, honesty, kindness, forethought, and possibly most importantly, respect. However, one of the first rewards of adopting win-win as a guiding force in your life will become apparent when you realize you can get your point across more easily and with much less effort.

Suddenly you have nothing to prove, nobody to beat in order to taste success. The game of life is your own personal game. Other people have theirs, which is wonderful. However, it is your game that you have to focus on.

With win-win you automatically become your own manager, motivational consultant – your own guru. Once you are that, you can obtain your desired outcome gracefully and efficiently.

Reality Check

Now the reality check: how much win-win do your see around you at the moment – in business, politics, and of course in your own personal life? Most of “big players” (government, business, etc) are totally focused on what THEY want, and disregard everything else.

This does not create mutual respect, but rather mutual wariness! In contrast, personal power doesn’t mean throwing your weight around, pursuing your own interests exclusively or forcing your way through.

It means that YOU are in control. You decide what to do and say, how to respond, how and when to act. In the world, you make up part of that bigger picture, meaning that it does matter what you do, how you engage and what you add to life.

This thought moves you into an area of another human need, the need for contribution. More than simply giving money, it’s how and in what way you contribute that adds to your overall character, which again is how you express yourself to the world.

However, since this module is discussing significance, there will be more on contribution in a later module – just to say, contribution not only means you give of yourself generously, you also give yourself the gift of growth.

Actions of the Week

1. Get started!

It’s important to get straight to work with understanding where you are as regards expressing yourself right now. I’m assuming that on some level you’re not happy with some aspect of how you operate, since you’re reading this course, so I want you to identify honestly what has made you accumulate resignation or resentment in your life.

Is it a particular situation or person, or a rut you feel stuck in? Take some time to reflect, before writing down your answer.

2. Let it go

Now make a conscious decision to let it go. Use the burning bowl method if you like, whereby you write it down, and then (safely!) burn it. Let go of old patterns that have held you back.

Use the above affirmation mentioned as thought of the week, “I take total responsibility for expressing myself clearly and honestly,” repeating it many times each day. How many times? Make it your mantra, repeating it all the time to the point that after a while you might not even realize you’re repeating it in your mind even whilst listening to your iPod!

3. Practise

Look for at least 3 situations this week where you can practice win-win. There will be many opportunities in your daily routines, and we will be building and expanding on specific strategies throughout this course.

But for now begin and consciously practice the habit of saying what you want to say while acknowledging the other person.

For example: to your child, “I know you want to play, but you haven’t cleaned up your room. How about spending ten minutes doing that, and then you get to play outside?” Or, to your boss: “Joe, next time you arrange a meeting with my staff could you please let me know a little bit sooner beforehand, as it really helps me with my planning. Thanks.”

Remember, it’s not just about taking; it’s about giving something equally important back in return.

4. Record your progress

Start a journal so you can record your learning. It’s been proven time and again that people who record thoughts, plans, learning, projects and projections, the list just goes on and on – are always amongst the top 3% of achievers in society.

Your Life Journal can be beautiful leather bound volume, it can be a multi coloured transparent covered “voyage of expression” (as my ex-client, the gorgeous Ann created) – it can even be a simple notepad.

The most important thing is to treat your journal with reverence as you plan your future. Believe me, it will become weighty with insight, ideas and knowledge – your knowledge – and a source of motivation and self expression long after you’ve finished this course.

Finally, I’d like to acknowledge your focus and determination to be noticed in the world. Expressing yourself is easy and after a while will just flow. If however, at the moment it doesn’t feel quite like that, in the words of my very good friend Fiona, “just act as if, and go for it anyway.”

The process

Understanding how you, me and everyone else on the planet process information is the key to successful communication and expression. What we see, hear, touch, taste, feel and smell, we interpret.

And it’s with that interpretation, plus the acquired memories that shape and affect everything about our world - how we experience it, and how others experience us.

It is generally accepted that the brain processes between 2 and 5 million pieces of information every second. A huge number, I know.

Everything - from controlling our heartbeat, to regulating skin temperature and the need to perspire, breathing and blinking, walking and even laughing, and these pieces of information covers all areas of the body, to speech, memory, sight – 2 to 5 million is a very long list indeed!

Of course we couldn’t hope to be consciously aware of all that information, so our brain filters out all the data we don’t really need, doing it “automatically” as it were, leaving us with between 5 and 9 more digestible nuggets of data per second.

This is conscious though, what we focus on, what we “think” about. It is linked to our five senses, as well as the interpretation we attach to each of them.

In NLP we call this process our Internal Representational System.

It describes how the information we take in is filtered; meaning it’s deleted, distorted and generalized based on our beliefs, experiences and general memory. This explains how often times two friends that have been at the same occasion can have totally different memories of it.

Both correct, and both very much an individuals experience of the event, as seen and processed through their internal rep system. Remember, we do this all the time and so does everyone else.

Filtering

Understanding how and why we do what we do by filtering through our internal representation of the world gives us a couple of very important pieces of information:

What we see is not necessarily how it is, but rather how it appears based on what filters we’ve put it though. The map is not the territory. This is a very famous NLP phrase, which in essence supports even further the first point.

Coming back to your quest to express yourself in a better way, and the first module’s focus on win-win, how can the above help you? Answer the following questions and see how greater you can now bring this all into focus:

1. What does expressing yourself mean to you? Write down at least 5 examples, explaining in detail using your senses (sight, touch, etc).
2. How you would know you’ve achieved success?
3. Thinking about the answers you got from the previous module when you asked people to give feedback, how close would you say you were to being where you want to be we regards self expression?
4. Knowing what you now know; that what you see is not necessarily the whole picture, begin to come up with alternative ways you could get better results.
   Again, we’re talking win-win, however now you almost have a better set of lenses to view the whole situation with, including your life, so begin to notice what you might have overlooked before and as always write down the results.

Courage to be open

John was irritated that his wife often seemed so busy and preoccupied when he got home from work. She seemed to barely acknowledge him, often just thrusting the baby at him or asking for some errand to be done. He was getting really resentful.

So he said, “Sweetheart, I would just love it if you dropped whatever you’re doing for sixty seconds when I get home from work, give me a kiss and let me hug you and look into your eyes! Can we start tomorrow?”

Of course, you may also find out that someone absolutely does not want to meet your needs. It takes courage to be open and vulnerable, to admit that you actually need something from someone. You risk rejection and refusal.

Selma, another ex-client, discovered this, when she asked her live-in partner George to show her more love and appreciation.

She was specific.

She mentioned backrubs, love notes, being thanked for the meals she cooked and fixing him interesting packed lunches. She also suggested a more equitable sharing of domestic chores, since they both worked.

However, George saw no need whatsoever to change his behaviour and he made that very clear.

Ultimately, Selma’s choice was to end the relationship after a few months of trying to influence him and sell him on the benefits to their relationship. She realised she did not want to be the one doing all the giving in her intimate relationship.

Setting up the basic conditions

You can use the same principles in your workplace as well as in your personal life. We all work better when our unique “basic conditions” are met. The action points will help you work out what yours are.

Ideally, ask at least three different people to meet a specific need in different ways.

The point is to have more than enough. You can also meet some of your needs yourself – this is often something we overlook in our attempts to get others to meet our needs.

For example, if you have a need for structure, set up a family calendar in the kitchen, a messaging system, plan out your major personal and work-related events a year ahead, etc. If you have a need for regular alone time or feeling pampered, schedule massages, meditation, solitary walks or stargazing, and so on.

Establishing the boundaries

Life often makes us deal with things. If we don’t, we get negative and resentful. Do you know people who say, “I never argue… I simply walk away or just agree with the other person”?

Now, there may be times when this is the wisest approach. However, if we make it a habit, we’re increasingly becoming less honest with ourselves.

Do you know people who are so argumentative it’s tiring just to be around them? Win-win does not mean being passive nor does it mean being aggressive, it does mean “being real” and attentive to what you need to do to gain respect whilst also hearing the real message being spelt out by the other person.

Here’s an example: You’ve planned a weekend trip and you want to leave work at 4 pm this Friday. However, your boss, Jill, is a stickler and you know she’ll object, wanting you to stay until 5.30pm as usual. How can you approach this tactfully?

Don’t Assume

First, don’t assume anything; approach your own Jill with intentions for what would be a successful outcome planned and rehearsed before you knock on her door.

Show by what you say that you’ve thought through the consequences; “Jill, I’d like to leave work at 4 pm this Friday if it’s ok with you. I’ll have the ABC proposal ready, and collect everything I need to prepare the DEF tender first thing Monday. I’ll ask Steve to cover my phone. I plan to be in early on Monday. Is there anything else I might have overlooked?”

Jill might still object on principle, even though you’ve shown that the tasks will not suffer. However, the art of win-win is to negotiate, to compromise with integrity, to state your case with conviction and grace. Ultimately, you also have to decide where to draw the line.

What’s your cut-off point? Are you willing to accept the greater good of the company in this case? Or would you walk away and look for a different job if Jill persistently refused reasonable requests based along your win-win strategy and you’re not only getting the job done, but getting it done well?

Understanding Jill’s view of the world would give you a greater resource, one that could deepen your working relationship and also increase your chances of getting agreement to leaving work early! It would also award her and ultimately yourself the significance you both expect and need.

Knowing where and becoming aware of where your boundaries are, and which of them are currently being met takes a little practice, and the action points below will help with this.

Actions of the Week

1. What do you need?

What do you need at work to perform at your best? Write down your answers. E.g.: positive feedback, meetings that begin and end on time, protected time each week for reading and drafting, efficient admin services, deadlines respected, a shared diary system, flexi time, further training, etc.

2. Be effective

Now, decide the most effective way in which you could ask for it. Is it best raised at a team meeting, at your appraisal, with your boss in a “corridor chat,” by memo or email, or some other way?

Decide the most suitable strategy for each “want,” and then take the plunge and ASK! Remember to keep it gracious and positive, never whiny. Elicit a clear answer with a clear time frame attached.

3. Other areas

Similarly, what do you need at home and in your personal life? Write down what your broad headings are. Note: these are not your “bottom lines,” rather your “shiny new must haves.”

These might include more appreciation, shared childcare, a regular evening out with your friends, a clean home, dating interesting and attractive people who make you feel special, a romantic weekend away more often, getting that extension built, etc.

4. Who do you need to ask?

Now decide whom you need to ask so that you have a working system in place. Remember to ask several people so as not to hinge success only on one person.

5. Be gracious

Remember to thank people, give only positive feedback and show appreciation yourself – remember the art of win-win is two way, and apart from being a nice thing to do, it also ensures you continue to get more of the same!

PS!

Don’t worry if you feel embarrassed or uncomfortable as you set about asking. In fact, congratulations – this means you’ve successfully identified a real need as opposed to a pretend one.

The results of having your real needs met will be all the more powerful for it.

In the next module you’ll discover how to make your words really count and to speak with consciousness and purpose. Now, go and lay the foundations in your life to getting what you want by taking action on meeting your needs. Enjoy the feeling of increased power and fulfilment that this is going to bring you. Go on, Express Yourself!

Play games

Later on we’ll develop a plan whereby you find your own role models, and if you’re reading this worrying because you don’t think you have a role model, relax because you do.

A great way to view coaching and any kind of personal development is to think like a child. In childhood we play games, we pretend, we impersonate, we make things up, and most of all we have fun.

After working with so many people over the years as a coach, from housewives to businessmen, from pop stars to actors and writers and doctors and even the occasional scientist, I know that at some point you can again view life and the work we do here as if through a child’s eyes. Play.

Make-believe

If you don’t have a personal role model, adopt one, make one up, play make-believe. So long as it gets you to where you want to go, then it’s worked.

As you go through the next couple of days modelling Oprah, remember to ask yourself the following questions:

1. How would Oprah answer this question?
2. If she were me, how would she react to this (particular situation or challenge you may have)?
3. What would Oprah do differently today to whatever it is I’m already doing?
4. If I could learn one thing from Oprah right now that would instantly make a difference in my life, what would it be?

“The whole point of being alive is to evolve into the complete person you were intended to be.”
Oprah Winfrey

White noise

I trust you’ve now begun to experience the benefits of more conscious communication by creating win-win situations and by asking for your needs to be met, and now by modelling.

As discussed earlier, language is so important. However, for the most part we underestimate the power of language the language we use.

If you stop to think about what is actually said in most conversations, you may find that a lot of it is “white noise.”

White noise is generally described as waffle, filler – not to be mixed up with small talk.

Small talk is what we sometimes do to keep the moment, to initially create rapport or keep rapport until the main event. It may not be the meat of the conversation, however small talk is most definitely the muscle that keeps it together, which is why many people feel so abandoned or vulnerable in its absence.

White noise generally feels like earache, usually unwelcome, is one directional (think monologue), without respect, and is unconnected with the other persons agenda. And the thing is, WE ALL DO IT SOMETIMES!!

What can we do to turn the volume down or even better, to cut our own white noise completely? Try these top tips and see if they work for you.

• Make sure that what you say is relevant, accurate, timely and honest!
• What you say and how you say what you say impacts on others – positively or negatively, so take responsibility for your words. The actual words you use will influence how you are perceived and whether or not others listen to you, so become that third person as well as being in the moment.
• Listen to yourself. Would you listen to all that waffle you come out with sometimes?

NB: Your words create the environment in which you live, so create a loving, supportive, kind one.

We will work on developing a personal vision of the world we want to create in a later module, though for now follow a basic rule of kindness – to yourself and others.

Art of speaking

The art of speaking and responding often takes practice. I recently heard about a chap who felt really awkward when people greeted him in the morning at his workplace – he just didn’t know how to respond!

This might seem strange to most of us, but this chap had grown up in a home where no one said a word when they saw each other in the morning. He’d found a wife with whom he managed to carry on the same tradition.

So, it took some conscious practice and mental rehearsal – now he’s doing just fine!

5 Key Tips

Here are 5 key tips for speaking in a way that ensures you are heard, understood and respected once you’ve irradiated white noise.

• Tip 1: Speak for yourself
  Take responsibility for your thoughts, beliefs and emotions. Use “I” statements for clarity. Then it’s clear who is saying what:
  I want some coffee; I think it’s too late to go; I am happy; I believe in truth; I saw it happen, and so on.

  A variation on an “I” message uses my: my opinion, my belief, my preference is, etc. Statements such as “I think we feel,” “It seems we,” or “I believe we,” are statements which try to speak for a group.

  This is presumptuous, since you can only speak for yourself with honesty. If you want to find out others’ opinions and views, ask them!

• Tip 2: Have an efficient and effective conversation
  Most conversations sort of drift along. At work, this is wasteful since we want communication not chatter. At home and in our personal lives, we’ll have greater fulfilment and intimacy and avoid misunderstandings if our conversations are more focused.

  Here are 3 useful pointers: remember it’s your responsibility to ensure your message is clearly understood, ensure you clearly understand the intended message sent to you, try to exert some control over the flow of the conversation.

• Tip 3: Avoid gossip
  As you know, you can’t throw dirt on someone without getting some on yourself! We’ve recently moved home, and our neighbour stopped to chat with me. She quickly filled me in on the lives and happenings of our neighbours before I managed to gracefully exit.

  Needless to say, I will make sure she doesn’t know anything about us that I wouldn’t want the whole street to know! Gossip erodes trust. It is not an attractive habit.

  If people gossip around you, try saying I’d rather hear about you, or I’m not comfortable discussing someone who isn’t present.

• Tip 4: Paraphrase and summarise
  Every few sentences, round up what has been said – “so, you’re saying xxx,” or “you think option B is risky because xxx,” etc. This is summarising.

  Paraphrasing is when you interpret in your own words what you think someone means: so, this customer’s behaviour makes you defensive and you’d like to be more elegant in your response?

  These techniques, widely used in therapy and consulting, help to clarify meaning and remove ambiguity. If you’re off-target, you’ll find out, because what you’re doing is playing back for confirmation.

• Tip 5: Questioning techniques
  Questioning is a powerful form of communication when used properly. It helps avoid incorrect or incomplete information and improves understanding.

  Questions can be open, closed, leading, probing and reflective. Open questions require the answer to be more than yes/no. They usually begin with WHAT – WHEN – WHICH – WHY – WHERE – HOW.

Clever questioning

Remember, “why” questions tend to make people defensive, seeking for a justification type answer, so use with caution. Construct sequences of effective questions to explore others’ thoughts, motivation, feelings, actions and capabilities.

Think of a funnel: start wide and open at the top, and then narrow the type of questions as the conversation moves along and develops. Some generally useful questions are:

• What prompts you to say that?
• How do you mean?
• In what way?
• For example?

Questioning opens up dialogue, expands thinking, and sets the stage for more productive outcomes. However, avoid a sharp, interrogative approach and don’t let a conversation develop into a question and answer session!

Actions of the Week

1. Practise “I” statements

Notice and drop the ‘we all’, ‘everyone says’ and other collectivisms – take ownership of what you think.

2. Focus

Focus your conversations by using the 3 pointers in Tip number 2. This may well feel heavy and clunky right now, and the more you use and practice these new strategies the easier and natural they will become.

3. Cut the gossip

Notice your own tendency to gossip and how you respond to those who gossip. Practice honest, graceful ways of dealing with this as suggested in Tip number 3.

Cut the white noise!

4. Practise paraphrasing

Use the techniques of paraphrasing and summarising at least 3 times per day for the rest of this week, and be amazed at what difference it makes. PS: Record these new realizations and discoveries in your success journal.

5. Use questions

Finally, insert a few well-constructed questions into your conversations. Again, notice the difference it makes. Decide how to use these tips.

Perhaps you’d like to focus on one each day, or remain aware of all of them during every conversation. You may wish to summarise each onto an index card for frequent review until they are a part of who you naturally are.

Next week, we address one of the most crucial aspects of good communication and self-expression – listening. Continue building your communication repertoire by following through on these “speaking actions” and express yourself beautifully!

Let go of assumptions

For a start, make an effort from this moment of to suspend assumptions when you’re listening. Mostly, we’re not aware of our assumptions. We tend to listen through the lens of our own experience.

Assumption is closely linked to judgment. Listen to understand, not to judge whether someone is right or wrong, good or bad.

When you’re busy making assumptions or judgments, you’re having an internal conversation in your own head.

That’s robbing your audience of your total attention! Let go of your own internal dialogue that’s telling you: “you need to understand this, what does it mean, how should I respond…” etc.

Once you listen fully, the clarifying questions you need to ask will come to you by themselves. You don’t need to force it. Remember, the secret here is to be fully present.

Do not allow yourself to be thinking of the next great thing you’re going to say whilst you should be listening to the other person. Fully present means just that. Anything else is disrespectful, to you both.

Secondly, drop the status quo. Whether you’re listening to your child, an elderly neighbour, your boss, your cleaner, friend, lover, whoever – remember we’re all equal partners in this process. Everyone has a mutual commitment to clarity and insight. Listen to sincerely understand!

Key behaviours

Do not interrupt Let the speaker finish before replying. Remember last week’s lesson on speaking! Avoid cutting off the flow of someone’s thoughts too early.

Interrupting someone is like knocking someone down physically – yet it’s something most of us do with impunity, until we condition ourselves otherwise.

Position yourself so that you can hear clearly. Whose responsibility is it to hear and understand? Yes, it’s the speaker’s responsibility to speak in a way that others can hear – but it’s also your responsibility to ensure that you’ve understood the message.

• Remember to use your body and your mind to encourage open dialogue.
• Use non-verbal cues: nod your head, say “I see, uh huh, yes” etc.
• Keep your body language open and sincere; avoid arms folded across your chest, hand-on-hip confrontational stance, etc. Just stay relaxed and comfortable!
• Make and maintain eye contact with the speaker, but don’t eyeball them!
• Stay alert to the speaker’s underlying feelings as well as the facts.

Matching and mirroring

Another very easy and very powerful NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming) technique is that of matching and mirroring, whereby we mirror the body language of another person appropriately to help them feel at ease. This is one of the quickest ways to build rapport.

In fact, if you think about it, we do this naturally with people anyway - with those we like, love, want to spend time with or work well with.

It is also important to say at this point that matching and mirroring is NOT doing an impersonation of or mimicking anyone. That would be disrespectful, producing the opposite of rapport in defensive or other some such “moving away from” behaviour.

Think about how you could match and mirror someone you know. A match could be a similar voice tonal quality, a similar rhythm within the voice, a similar posture or stance.

A mirror technique might be to cross your arms if they have theirs crossed, to sit in a similar way to them, even (if you’re getting good at this) to breath in the same way and tempo as them.

The best way to know if you’re achieving success is if they never notice this is happening, that they just feel completely at ease with you, and that you feel the same way with them.

Start the “dance”

Once you feel rapport has been a established, do something different. For example, if you had your arms folded like them, naturally unfold and rest your hands by your side. If you both had legs crossed, uncross yours.

If you spoke rapidly like them, slow down to a more relaxed rate – then wait to see if they follow! Don’t panic if they don’t straight away. Be patient and wait a few moments, remember this is unconscious for them. You are instigating a “dance” of rapport with their unconscious mind, which might very well take it’s time before it catches up.

If after a reasonable time this doesn’t happen however, then just as easily go back to matching and mirroring as before as they might need to have more rapport with you before following to another position led by you.

One very important point here is to mention people only engage in rapport with people they perceive as being like them. This means it is not possible to have a hidden or negative agenda with this technique, it simple wouldn’t work.

So remember, in NLP and all other forms of personal development the most important thing is to come from a place of highest, most pure, honest and respectful intent. The Universe always knows the difference!

Take notes of key points if you need to – a short pencil is better than a long memory.

Is your slate clean?

As I’m sure you’re now beginning to appreciate how expressing yourself involves more than simply standing up and going “ta dah.” Expressing yourself says more about who you are and how you engage with the rest of the world than anything else you do.

Having a clean slate is one of those things that unconsciously, whether we like it or not, communicates more of who we are than we’d ever like to admit.

For example, how do we find other people in our life in similar situations to us? If you’re short of money I bet some of your friends are, too. Ditto rocky relationships, messy houses, unfit or unhealthy, right?

Dr Topher Morrison, one the worlds foremost consultants in Hypnotherapy & NLP, describes these “shoulda woulda coulda” scenarios as incompletions.

They’re our missed opportunities, our whatever it is we’ve swept under the carpet. However, one of the problems with incompletions is that they niggle, they won’t go away – we might be able to hide them and make out they don’t really exist for a while, but sure enough they’re there, and over time will begin to ebb away at our energy.

They sap our strength. Eventually, other people will begin to notice that something, and they’re never sure what, just isn’t right with us. They’ll ask questions like “are you sure you’re alright? Is there anything I can do? You’re looking tired, are you getting enough sleep?”

And even though they’ll probably never know, you know there’s something not quite right, something that’s been left undone, neglected, incomplete…

“I do what I need to do. I came to live in a country I love; some people labeled me a defector. I have loved men and women in my life; I’ve been labeled “the bisexual defector” in print. Want to know another secret? I’m even ambidextrous. I don’t like labels. Just call me Martina. I get things done.”
Martina Navratilova

Your incompletions

How much do you get done? What got left behind unfinishined and forgotten about? What, that if it were completed would free you to express you in a new and even more vibrant?

Incompletions have a cumulative effect, in that by layering one on top of another the energy draining away becomes more and more, and thus even harder to overcome.

So, what type of situations do we leave things incomplete? Well, the short answer can be everywhere! From the home to the office, from relationships to the garden, from planning this summer’s vacation to balancing the household finances – EVERYWHERE!

Imagine a typical situation in the kitchen; not washing the pots after dinner. You leaving them on the counter thinking, “I’ll do them in the morning.” Next morning comes, and since they’re starting to build you don’t have time to wash them, and so rush out with the intention of clearing all of them later that evening.

Evening comes, you’re tired, and by now the ever growing pile of dirty dishes is really starting to irritate you. Each time this happens you notice your energy levels take a dive, making it even more unlikely you’ll wash the pots… so the incompletion continues.

Ditto the rest of the housework (sap the energy), clearing the desk at the office (sap the energy), paying bills (yup, you’ve guessed it), washing the car (now you’re really feeling tired), as well as for students, studying (panic and lethargy) – all areas where by not completing, an “incompletion” then occurs, causing stress and a dip in energy.

Does any of this sound familiar?

The flipside is to “complete.”

The good news here is that the more we do the more we feel energized and motivated. Just as an incompletion saps our energy, completing a task and getting things done will attract new energy, and thus we will feel renewed, revitalized and totally recharged.

American Hall of Fame Basketball Player and Coach, John Wooden, put it in a nutshell when he said, “If you don’t have time to do it right, when will you have time to do it over?”

Actions of the Week

1. Notice your assumptions

When you’re listening to someone, notice the assumptions you’re making. Practice letting them go.

Imagine they’re tennis balls coming at you – simply gather them, and drop them into an imaginary basket at your feet.

2. Practice undivided attention

When you encounter someone this week who is generally rather difficult to listen to, give them the gift of your undivided attention for a little longer than you might previously have done.

If this is really impossible, tell them honestly why you cannot listen to them any longer.

3. Refine your questioning

Continue to practice asking open-ended, clarifying questions that deepen your understanding. See the previous lesson.

4. Notice what you think

Notice when you’re having an internal conversation as you’re listening to someone. Raise your awareness, just let it go, breathe deeply and return to being fully present.

5. Match and mirror

Practice matching and mirroring as you listen to someone.

Next week, we’ll learn about the essential design principles for good writing to ensure that your reports, letters and other written materials are a joy to read! Meanwhile, keep layering all your learning together. You’ve learnt a lot – remember to keep putting it into action!

Wordsworth

In NLP the representation a word has within our mind will always shape our view of the world. For example, if I talk about a “scary house with dark corners and unwelcoming smell” you might conjure up images of a haunted house, possibly a house that’s been featured in a horror movie, and for most of us it would be a place we wouldn’t particularly want to visit.

Your internal imagery could give me words like cold, dark, frightening, and negative. However, if I described the same house as a “fun filled thrill ride, packed with shocks and spooks, smells and the odd inhabitant to chase you out alive,” you might think Disney, theme park, fun, shock, laughter, enjoyment!

The words we use to describe our world, to ourselves and others, also say a lot about who we are, our outlook, character and potential.

Armed with that information the world and the people we meet in it will make observations and judgements about who they think we are (which are also of course influenced by their view of the world).

However, before anyone else has a chance to make decisions on us, we can also take a look at who we are, too. Remember, the words we chose to encapsulate and experience every aspect of who we are affects our view of the world, as well as its view of us.

Taking a sight test

Of course, this is not a regular sight test. This one is more to discover how we see, and then how others see us.

1. Firstly, I want you to write down the first 50 words that come to mind. These words can be about anything and everything. They can be about your life, someone else’s, politics, space exploration, anything.However, you can only use one-word answers. Keep the list open for a few days, and preferably with you at all times because if a word comes to mind I want you to be able to record it.
2. Secondly, after the above exercise is completed (and not before), I want you to ask at least 10 people what the first three words are that come to mind when they think of you.
3. Once you have all the results – which should take between 4 and 5 days, look at the first exercise, listing the words you came up with, and taking a fresh piece of A4 paper, draw a line right down the middle from top to bottom (creating two columns).Transfer each of the first lists of words over to the new paper, which should have two titles at the top of each column, Positive, and Negative. It should be easy to decide where each of your words sit, though if some get a little tricky don’t get too caught up in the process, just listen to your intuition and transfer the word over.
4. Now take a look back at the list of descriptive words offered by other people about you. Again, transfer to another piece of paper with 2 columns, this time headed with Great stuff, and Could be improved upon.
5. Finally, notice how you feel when reading each list, each column. Remember, words create feeling – our internal imagery.Is yours the one you would choose? If not, what words would you change? And what different images would those new words conjure up?

This feedback, both internal and external, is essential. Armed with this knowledge we can begin making more conscious decisions about what, if any, parts of our character we’d like to upgrade and change.

“No steam or gas ever drives anything until it is confined. No Niagara is ever turned into light and power until it is tunnelled. No life ever grows until it is focused, dedicated, disciplined.”
Joan Rivers

Kathy decides to fly

I met Kathy in 2003. She’d been divorced for 5 years, and in her mid-40s had been in a relationship with Greg for 3 years. Kathy worked in the HR department of a large company on the north of England.

When we first talked, she told me she was not happy. On the surface life was fine. Financially, even though severely stretched by a huge mortgage, Kathy felt secure.

Career-wise Kathy was an important player within her organization, someone with authority – though with an ever-growing feeling that “there must be more to life than this.”

In her relationship with Greg things began to look a little less ideal. Even though long since widowed, Greg felt an intense loyalty to protect and project the ideal father figure to his two grown up daughters.

What this meant for Kathy and her relationship with Greg was distance, not living together, no holidays and generally a life of not moving together as the unit she’d hoped they would have become.

Second-best

Says Kathy: “I’m so angry with myself, not that Greg wouldn’t go on holiday with me, but that I allowed him to get away with not going. I settled for second best, and the worst part was I knew I was settling for second best. I didn’t know if he or I could become anything different, and it’s that insecurity that kept me playing the same game for so long.”

I asked Kathy to come back to me with the Wordsworth and Sight Test exercises above, and words like, “used, old, incapable, wasted, forgotten, sad,” and “lost” filled the negative column.

The positive column was shorter, and mentioned only the Ad (auditory digital, a term used in NLP to describe people who think in a numerical, logical, precise and measured way – with no mention to feelings), words like, “efficient, professional, achiever, survivor” appeared.

Other people, from the local shopkeeper, to acquaintances, friends and family describes her with words like, “trustworthy, honest, loyal, funny, entertaining, achiever, friend, vivacious, adventurer.”

Personal development

The general framework Kathy and myself worked with, whilst incorporating other models, was always to return back to these lists, to see how they were developing.

She designed her ideal list, which consisted of the best of her own self descriptions, the best of other peoples’, and other newly chosen words she wanted to bring into her life and her personality.

Words like “fiery, leader, invention and sex” conjured up a complete make over for her – and this soon came together when Kathy had red and orange highlights in her newly spiked auburn hair, a new and younger fitted wardrobe, some intense workout sessions with a personal trainer, healthier diet, and of course more meaningful and flirtatious social life.

She decided that Greg, even though they had been good together, either needed to perk up, or perk out!

At 45, Kathy decided to become the vibrant soul she’d always dreamt of being.

Says Kathy: “Seeing the new me looking back from the mirror the first time I had my hair coloured brought on a mass of emotions; fear, apprehension, excitement, possibility, and best of all a big wide grin – the like I’d not seen for many a year.

“I’d asked the hairdresser to just ‘go wild’, and now I had this wild sexy woman looking back at me – and somewhere there I recognized that woman was me, and I loved it!”

Upward spiral

The funny thing was however, that as Kathy became more adventurous and thirsty for life, the more successful all aspects of her life became. She was offered another job, including a career development package that included the international travel she’d always dreamed.

This in turn loosened the straightjacket affect her mortgage had been having on her finances. Friends invited her out more, suggested weekends away, and Greg tried ever so hard to keep up with the new Kathy.

They did split up for a few months, before a new and improved Greg got back in touch with Kathy and suggested they give living together a go! Marriage was never on Kathy’s cards, and I would imagine not on Greg’s, either.

If I were to suggest one word myself to describe how Kathy became to me, it would have to vibrant. She began to live, rather than simply survive.

Actions of the Week

Blueprint for life

Here are 4 basic design principles for drafting any document, though not just any document; this will be your blueprint for life.

1. Establish your AIM

Every document or message must have a specific reason for being written. If you can’t think of a reason, don’t waste time on it at all!

Decide what information is necessary in achieving your aim. Don’t swamp the reader with too many details and options – just give them (i.e. you) the outcome of your thoughts by applying your expertise to the information. Decide what is relevant, and state it precisely and concisely. Begin, “I am a…” and let the best of who you want to be flow out on to the page.

2. Consider the READER

As well as yourself, think the rest of the world, your audience, nearest and dearest, etc. What they already know affects what you can leave out. What they need to know determines what you include.

What they want to know suggests the order and emphasis of your writing. Ensure the reader’s access to your information. Pay attention to the content as well as the visual impact. How often have you felt irritated because something was too small/too blurred/badly laid out?

Even though the written words of your blueprint may be private and for your eyes only, what it produces will be your statement to humanity, so make it great.

3. Plan your structure

Provide information in small manageable chunks, and use the document’s structure to maintain context. Remember that most people have short attention spans.

Good structure maintains order and clarity.

For e.g., break down the information into distinct sections and subsections. Finally you have simple, small units of information – usually expressed as a paragraph or a diagram.

Do remember to pay attention to diagrams, charts and non-text items. Often, impact is reduced by clumsy presentation or unclear headings.

Every paragraph or diagram should contain a single idea and serve a purpose or be removed. State the key idea by using some of the following: a development of the idea, an explanation or analogy, and an example. It is also useful to support your ideas with evidence.

4. Draft, edit and revise

Once you’ve decided what to say and to whom, say it. Then check it for clarity and effectiveness before you decide to put your plans into action.

Remember, be brave, take responsibility for your own life, express yourself, and let life bring it on for you.

Until next week, have fun with the information and exercises in this module, and I wish you happiness and success.