Part Two

Learning to love yourself

What’s your image of you?

All our lives we are sold the ideal image of beauty . Often one that is airbrushed to perfection. Comparing ourselves to an image and putting pressure on ourselves to live up to somebody else’s idea of perfection can be draining and really draw on our reserves of confidence.

When you look in the mirror, what’s the first thing you see, and how does it make you feel?
Do you think that you are attractive?
Do you think you have a nice figure?
Or
Do you think ‘no one is going to find me attractive looking like this’.

I’ll bet, like many people, the first thing you notice is your least favourite feature/s. If so, don’t worry you’re not alone. Here’s why:

Do you know how much money is spent every year by advertisers to seel us their concept of the ‘ideal image of beauty? It’s literally millions of pounds! Let’s face it, if they weren’t trying to make us feel on some level that there was something we needed to improve, we probably wouldn’t feel the need to run out and spend £20 on some pill or potion which promised to ‘fix us’.

Try this excercise to help you build up your confidence in the fabulous YOU, just the way YOU are now!

Stand tall in front of a full length mirror and really look at yourself. Think about compliments you have received in the past. What do people compliment you on? Do they tell you you have a great smile? How beautiful your eyes are? Or is it your lovely hair? Try to see what they see. Stand far enough away from the mirror so that you can take it all in.

Now, identify at least three characteristics you like best about yourself, and think about how you could accentuate them. If you have beautiful eyes, and you wear glasses, would a new funky pair of eyewear, or wearing your fringe off your face help you really showcase them? Get some advice from a friend if needs be.

Love your hands? Make sure to keep them soft and moisturised and treat yourself to manicures regularly.

Your hair? Is it time for a new flattering cut or colour?

Rather than despairing that you don’t have Penelope Cruz’s face, or Angeline Jole’s lips, or Naomi Campbell’s figure, start to really focus on what’s great about you. If you don’t feel like you have much to shout about just yet, don’t worry. You can and you will. I guarantee that if you apply yourself and complete the actions in this course you will love yourself and be ready to enjoy the relationship you deserve. How exciting is that?

Part Three

Great expectations

Closely related to beliefs are your expectations. Can you think of a time when you have maybe been invited out and have not really been in the mood, so didn’t really enjoy the evening. Maybe you were tired from work or were invited to a party where you didn’t know many of the other guests. The likelihood is that because you were uncomfortable in the situation you didn’t look forward to it and therefore didn’t enjoy it. Often when we have certain expectations such as the expectation that we are NOT going to enjoy something, we subconsciously look for evidence to back up our expectations so that we can confirm to ourselves that we are right. Do you need to be right? Or, do you need to audit your expectations?

With regards to relationships, do you expect that ‘this one probably won’t work because all my other relationships have failed’. If so, really get clear about how, upholding such an expectation will undoubtedly affect the way you behave when you present yourself on a date. It’s time to harness great expectations!

Imagine a friend offers to set you up on a blind date. She tells you that your date is very good looking, witty and shares your love of painting and art galleries for example. You get dressed up and are on the way to meet him. What do you think your expectations of the evening are?

How will you greet him?
Will you smile as you say hello?
What will you talk about?

Ok, now I want you to imagine the same friend sets you up on a blind date the following week. This time she tells you she really appreciates you going. It’s just that your date is her new boyfirend’s flatmate who is a bit of a bore and is always hanging around the flat in the evinings which is a pain as they have planned a romantic evening. She thanks you for doing her a favour and says she owes you lunch. You agree to go because she is a good friend and you had nothing planned anyway. Think about how you might feel on the way to meet your date. What do you think your expectations of the evening are?

How will you greet him?
Will you smile at him as you say hello?
What will you talk about?

Which date do you think you might enjoy more? Now, what if I told you that both dates were in fact the same person? The only thing that was different was the information provided and your expectations!

So, check out your expectations. There may be some negative beliefs lurking behind those expectations – if so, and add them to your list.

Action!

Actions of the Week

Take a look at your first ‘wish list’, and any items you’d described in a negative way. Do any of these indicate a negative expectation or belief? If so, add these to the list of your limiting beliefs.

Your life up until now has been a collection of your past beliefs and your future will be determined by the beliefs you choose to hold today. Take a look at your limiting beliefs. For each one ask yourself, ‘how does this belief serve me?’

Limiting beliefs are often fear driven. For example a person may fear public speaking because when they were a child they stammered during their school play and were ridiculed. Over the years this limiting belief about being able to speak in public has grown stronger, driven by the same fear of ridicule.

Very often there is a benefit to be gained from holding onto a limiting belief, perhaps avoidance of doing the very thing you say you want to do. One reason we form and hold onto limiting beliefs is to somehow protect ourselves from what we think will be our failures. If we keep doing this we limit our ability to grow and learn and try new things effectively, backing ourselves into a corner, limiting what we might achieve in the future. The best way to avoid this happening to you is change your beliefs! Ask yourself, ‘what impact would it have on my life if I did not hold this belief? What impact would if have on my life if I changed this belief to a much more positive empowering belief? Now go through each belief and make the choice right here and now to turn that negative belief on its head.

For example if your belief is, ‘there is no one suitable out there for me’, you could replace it with; ‘there are over 14 million single people in the UK so there are heaps of fabulous men just right for me’.
Or,
if one of your beliefs is, ‘I need to lose some weight’, you could replace it with; ‘I love my curvy, sexy figure, and am fabulous just the way I am’.

Get your notebook out and write down all of your negative beliefs, fears and expectations. Leave no stone unturned, and turn them into powerful, positive affirming Dating statements.

eg: ‘No one will find me attractive.
‘I’ll never meet anyone nice’.

Could become:

‘Lots of people find me attracive’ or ‘I am loveable and attractive’.
‘I love going out on dates and meeting fabulous, interesting men’.

Repeat these positive new affirmations to yourself until you feel comfortable with them. Commit to reading your positive affirmations twice a day, every day, in front of the mirror for a week. Take note of any shifts or changes to your psyche in your notebook. After you’ve done this for a week, why not commit to it for a month!

Concentrate on consciously viewing the world around you in the most positive way you can.. If for example it’s raining outside think of the benefits to the plants in your garden. If you get delayed on the tube take the time to close your eyes and meditate for a moment. Notice how different you feel and how different the world responds to you.

Keep working at creating your new beliefs, because next week we’ll be looking at ramping up your dating confidence.

Part Two

Unload your emotional backpack

In order to find out what you want to dump, first you need to become aware of what you are carrying from previous relationships. I want you now to take a look at what’s in your emotional backpack from past relationships.

Step 1

List all the items or qualities you feel you are carrying from previous relationships, both negative and positive. These could include anxiety about a partner committing to you or the ability to be tolerant.

Step 2

Ask yourself where this quality came from. The ability to be tolerant may have come from a relationship where your partner lived with his mother, or the anxiety about a partner committing to you stemmed from your previous relationship with X .

Step 3

If this is a positive quality, ask yourself why this is important to you and decide whether you want to keep it and/or work on it. If it’s a negative quality, is it something that you would like to work on and try and improve, or is it something that you’d like to dump?

Step 4

Make a list of all the qualities that you would like to dump before you start a new relationship. When you have written your list read through each point and acknowledge it.

For what purpose are you holding onto it?
How does it serve you?
What impact would it have on your life if you let it go?

Go through the list again and think about a positive quality you can replace each of your negative ones with. Then, think about the positive impact this will have on your future relationships. Replace each negative quality on your list with a positive one that you would like to adopt and for each positive one you commit to adopting, reinforce the desire to do so by visualising the benefits it will have on your new relationships. Don’t worry if this takes some time, after all you have probably carried this unnecessary and heavy baggage around for quite some time, but, if you keep reminding yourself of the fact that these old beliefs aren’t helping you and how the new ones can change your life, you WILL let go of them and move forward with a fabulous positive dating mindset!

Step 5

List all the positive qualities that you will bring to a future relationship

When you’ve decided what you want to dump and what you want to work on and keep, ask yourself whether there are any qualities you would like to develop. Make a list of these and beside each an action point that you will take to develop this quality.

Take a look and see if adaptability is mentioned among the qualities you want to develop or keep. If it isn’t, add it to the list. The ability to adapt the way you approach different relationships and work with your chosen partner to create the relationship that you want is a key skill.

If this is something you’ve not considered, ask yourself:

• How will knowing that I’m adaptable increase my dating confidence?
• How can I develop my adaptability?

Part Three

Boost your self esteem

Probably one of the most important and essential qualities to have in terms of dating confidence is feeling good about yourself and having a high level of self-esteem.

If you have an expectation that a relationship will make you feel better about yourself then you could be in for a big disappointment.

Quite often, we do feel more confident and our self-esteem is higher when we meet someone. But having the expectation that this will happen and relying on someone to boost your self-esteem is a recipe for disaster.

For dating confidence you need to develop a strong sense of your own self-worth. If you are not looking for those needs to be met by your man the whole time then it’s easier for the relationship to develop in a more natural, relaxed way.

For dating confidence you need to develop a strong sense of your own self-worth. If you’re not looking for those needs to be met by your partner the whole time it will be a lot easier for a healthy strong relationship to develop. Remember you are ultimately responsible for your own happiness, so focus on that rather than expecting someone else – especially your mate – to provide it for you.

Make a list of everything that you think is really great or even just pretty good about yourself – physical appearance, character, personality traits, decisiveness, sense of humour, achievements.

How dateable are you?

Be honest with yourself, when you answer the question as to why you expect someone to want to date you. Do you find yourself fascinating, interesting, bright, good company?

In week 3 we talked about changing your beliefs about yourself but you may also need to back this up by taking some action.

If you think that you’re not very interesting or intelligent or attractive or good company – what can you do to alter this?  Do you need to take some courses, read a few historical biographies, listen to some current affairs programmes, take some advice on your image?

Jot down your ideas, decide which will have the most impact and start taking some action!

Part Four

What do you need?

Just as expecing a partner to bolster your self esteem is unrealistic, so is expecting them to fulfill all of your needs. No one person can do this and it’s a heavy burden to place on any relationship.

We all have basic needs, many of which can be fulfilled by a variety of different sources. However, when it comes to relationships, there are certain needs specific to this important area of our lives that only your ‘significant other’ can fulfil. These are the type of needs that, if a man fails to meet, then you would not be happy.

Basic needs

Although men and women are different in so many ways, we still share some basic needs when it comes to a relationship. Trust, respect and like are so important that without these, a relationship simply won’t work.

Trust is a two-way street and each person has to be trusted and trustworthy, because you can’t possibly expect to be happy with a man you don’t trust and vice versa.

Respect is something that if you lose or never have for your partner, your relationship won’t last.

For a relationship to succeed, you have to really enjoy being with this person, so liking your date is essential. I know that sounds obvious, but you’d be amazed at how many people date partners and find after the chemistry has worn off they don’t actually like this person.

Getting your needs met

It’s one thing recognising your needs in a relationship, but quite another getting these needs met. You have a responsibility for this and, it’s not all down to the other person. So, if you’ve expected a partner to meet all your needs in the past and then blamed them for the fact that they weren’t being met, think about the part you can play in your relationship. Relationships need commitment from both partners and should never be all about one person giving and the other sitting back and taking.

This isn’t about being selfish, it’s about acknowledging that both parties in a relationship have needs that are of equal importance. So just as you don’t want to just think about your own needs make sure you don’t go the other way and think about only your partner’s needs whilst neglecting your own. Balance is key!

Before you get to the exciting dating stage, getting clear about what your relationship needs and recognising that getting them met is as important as fulfilling your partner’s, is, a big step on the road to dating confidence. So, what does your partner need?…………………..

Part Five

What a man needs

For a successful relationship the needs of both partners have to be fulfilled, but what are a man’s needs in a relationship? Although every man is unique and therefore the way in which their needs can be met will vary with each individual, there are some key needs that most men share:

To feel ok just the way they are

Knowing you like them for who they are is important to a man. No-one wants to feel that you want to change or control them.

To be admired and respected

Your partner will want to feel that you are proud of them. Show them you value them and acknowledge them for their successes however small and you’ll reap the rewards!

To feel appreciated

Make him feel appreciated and never taken for granted. Don’t forget to thank him!

To be believed and trusted

Show your partner that you believe and trust in his ability to make the right decisions and do the right thing. Men need to know they can trust you and share their fears, secrets and insecurities. YES, they have fears and insecurities just like us!

Action!

Actions of the Week

1. Check yourself out!

Make a list of everything that you think is really great or even just pretty good about yourself – physical appearance, character, personality traits, decisiveness, sense of humour, achievements

What can you do to ensure that you continue to build your own self-worth?

2.What do you need?

List your top ten needs that you must have in a relationship.  Ask yourself for each one, how important is it that this need is met (on a scale of 1-5, where 1= not important 5 = extremely important)

For the needs that are extremely important, ask yourself, what can I do to ensure that this need is met?

Knowing that you have the ability to get your needs met can make a big difference to your dating confidence. At the end of the day, what you are saying is, ‘I’m important, and some of my needs are so important that if someone is unable to meet them, then this is probably not the right relationship for me’.

We’ve covered a lot of ground this week, but do all the actions so that by next week you’ll be even closer to dating with confidence!

Part Two

Don’t rush to judge

Another aspect of creating mental space is just allowing things to be and not allowing criticism or judgments to get in the way of seeing what’s really there. Take a moment to think back to whether you have fallen prey to this and allowed critical thoughts or judgments to creep in when you’ve just met a man.

Are you quick to criticise people in your mind? Observe your thoughts over the course of the next week to see if this is the case.

One of the dangers of holding a picture of our ‘ideal man’ in our head is that no man in real life will match up to this ideal. Using a checklist to tick off his qualities and highlight the ones that he doesn’t have can be counterproductive.

Of course, you will ultimately be making a decision as to whether to take the relationship any further or not. But, until you reach the point of making that decision, using your skills of listening and observation will be far more beneficial than allowing that space to be filled with immediate criticism or judgment.

What message is ‘tattooed’ on your forehead?

Being ‘open’ sends out a positive message to your date.

It’s like having a large stamp on your forehead that says, ‘I’m open to having a successful relationship – try me’. Not, ‘I am desperate’ or ‘don’t bother with me, I hate men’.

Having a positive attitude and positive expectations is enhanced by a welcoming smile. A smile can open many doors, including the ones to men’s hearts. In contrast, a frown, sullen look or one that says, ‘there’s probably no-one here that I’m going to find interesting’ is guaranteed to keep any man away!

• How approachable are you? Observe yourself over the next week in unfamiliar situations.
• What does your facial expression convey?
• Do you smile naturally at people?

Smiling is another essential dating skill. So, if you feel that the initial facial expression you give could do with improving, then ask yourself what you can do about it. Practise in front of the mirror!

Part Three

Creating opportunities

Creating space is not just concerned with creating mental space, it’s also about preparation and creating the opportunity and time to meet someone.

Are you ready to go on a date? Have you got an outfit you love and know you look great in if you were invited out or would you turn down a date because you didn’t have anything to wear? Sometimes even the most minor things can affect our dating confidence.

Do you purposefully fill every available minute of space in your diary? If so, you could be subconsciously creating a situation that says “I have no time to date”. Actively plan times in your schedule which are specifically designed to create opportunities for you to meet men.

Action!

Actions of the Week

Make a list of what would help you to increase your dating confidence.

It may be getting a new hairstyle, visiting an image consultant or simply updating your wardrobe.  Perhaps you feel your confidence would increase if you lost a bit of the weight you’ve put on recently.

In particular, think what’s the first thing you need to do in order to make the changes you want?

Next week, in our final session, you’ll discover how you are now ready to meet the date of your dreams!

Part Two

Where to meet your ideal man

Fire up your imagination and take a look at all of the options of where you could meet this man. Think about where men go and what they do for example, they often attend gyms, play golf, tennis, squash, go to DIY stores at the weekend, car shows, computer shows, boat shows etc. Are there any bars locally where men meet up after work?

List as many options as you can think of – at this stage this is only a list of where you could go or what you could do to meet him – not necessarily what you will do.

Sometimes practical considerations can affect your dating confidence. For instance: affording a series of expensive dinner party dates or the cost of, or finding, a babysitter.

Are there any practical considerations that are likely to affect your choice of dating options? If so, list them.  Now ask, ‘what can you do about them?’ What other options can you try?

Don’t allow your dating confidence to be knocked by the seeming expense of it all. There are plenty of low cost options for meeting men. If this is a concern for you, then make sure that your list contains as many options as possible in the low cost bracket, such as coffee bars in book stores, further education courses, volunteer groups, charities and so on. Investigate three of your options.

Go on a fact-finding mission

One option you might be considering is dating agencies. Some can be expensive, although if they attract the type of relationships and men that you are after then this might be a worthwhile investment.  Finding out how much various dating agencies charge, what you get for your money and what type of clientele they attract is a good start. Talking to them to find out information doesn’t usually cost anything.

Check out the internet dating options. Lots of companies now allow you to post your details and search for free. For those of you who don’t have much time to meet men, then finding men through internet dating means that you can fit it in to your own schedule.

If you are interested in sport then visit your local badminton or tennis club to see if this could be an option for you. Take a look at your local Salsa evening. If you don’t fancy going on your own, then take a girlfriend along.

Whatever you choose to do, remember, this is only a fact-finding mission, you can check it out before you decide that this might be a possibility.  Looking at it as a fact-finding mission is often less daunting than the real thing and by the time you’ve decided that you do want to join then at least you’ll know what to expect. And, if you know what to expect, then this will have a positive effect on your dating confidence!

Part Three

What are your expectations?

Finally, one of the things that will help your long term dating confidence is to learn to go with the flow. Don’t focus all your energies on the outcome, but enjoy the journey. Ask yourself before each time you go out: What are my expectations?

Do you have the expectation that, ‘tonight, I’m going to meet the man of my dreams’ each time you go out? If you do, you could be setting yourself up for disappointment. Expecting to meet a man puts unnecessary pressure on both you and anyone you happen to meet.

How different would it be if you were to go out for the evening thinking ‘I’m open to meeting some nice people this evening and whatever happens I am going to have a good time’?

If your focus is on enjoying the evening and not on ‘meeting Mr Right’ then you’ll find your confidence levels will be a lot higher because the pressure’s off.

Part Four

Dos and Don’ts For Successful Dating

DO ask for invites

Let people know that you are interested in meeting men. Ask to be kept in mind when it comes to parties, barbecues and social evenings. Very often married friends can forget to include you in their social events, so remind them that you are wanting to meet some men and ask for their help in introducing you to potential dates. Remember, if you don’t ask, you don’t get!

DO use open questions

What do I mean by this? Well, asking questions that encourage people to open up and that can be answered by more than just yes, no, or simply in two words.

These are examples of closed questions meaning they don’t encourage the conversation to continue beyond a yes /no response:

Have you been here before? Do you like Chinese food? Have you seen the film Lantana? Do you enjoy football?

You can of course use these types of questions to find out specific information but when you’re trying to keep a conversation going or wanting a man to open up a little then open questions are far more effective, for exmaple:

Which coffee bars / restaurants / do you like? What type of food / films do you enjoy? What do you like to do on a weekend?

If you know that your conversation skills could do with improving then try practising the use of open questions with your friends and family until you become comfortable with the process.

DO be 100% present

What does this mean? Well, really listen to your date, try not to interrupt and engage in as much eye contact with him as possible.

DO remain open and confident

Appearing closed, unconfident or guarded by crossing your arms – try instead to adopt an open body posture and if you want to maintain or improve your rapport, then lean towards your date.

DO turn off your mobile phone

Unless you need to have it on for emergencies or are expecting an important call – in which case you can explain this beforehand to your date, it’s polite to turn it off. The message this conveys is that ‘this date is important to me and I want to give you my full attention’.

DO meet in a safe place

Arrange to meet for the first time in a public place that you are familiar with.  It’s important for your dating confidence that you feel as comfortable as possible with your venue, so if necessary check it out beforehand. How do you feel about the place? Is the music too loud? Will you be able to hear yourselves talk? Do you know where the ladies toilets are? Knowing what the venue is like can go some way to reducing any dating nerves.

DO give yourself permission to say ‘No’ and don’t get dispirited

If you do not want to see the man again, don’t feel guilty – you have every right to say ‘no’. If someone takes it badly – remember, you are not responsible for another’s response.

If you are not able to say ‘no’ on the actual date and you have his email address, then this is a good medium – text messaging is not. Sending an email allows you to say exactly what you want and not invite a reply.

If he was a nice guy but not your type and you feel a bit guilty, then why not after you’ve explained that you don’t want to see him again, reassure him of his good qualities, adding that you are sure he’ll find a lovely lady / gorgeous woman soon. You’ll feel better having softened the blow and he’ll find the rejection easier to take if it comes with some compliments and positives thoughts for the future.

If you are on the receiving end of rejection, don’t get dispirited. Accept that you simply weren’t ‘his type’ and move on. Everyone has a right to choose and if you know what you want, it’s far better to be honest when you don’t find that, than to lead the person on or hope that they will ‘turn into’ what you’re wanting. So, if you are turned down for further dates, be grateful that this man is being honest and move on to find someone who is attracted to you.

DO let him know you’re interested

If you do want to see him again, don’t rely on all the hints you’ve dropped or body language to convey your interest, be direct. Men are sometimes afraid of asking you out for fear of rejection, so you could let them know by saying something like “I really enjoyed talking to you and I’d love to meet up with you again”.

DON’T go man hunting with a large group.

If you really want to meet a man, then don’t go out with a large crowd of women! It’s much more daunting for a guy to approach a large group of women than it is to approach two or three. If you do go out in a small group and a man does come over to chat one of you up, have an arrangement so that the others make a discreet exit to the loo.

DON’T make the first date a dinner date

The thought of spending several hours over dinner with a stranger can be a bit daunting to some people. It’s much easier to cope with a light lunch date or meeting for a coffee, then if you don’t get on with your date, at least you haven’t got to sit through several courses!

Your dating confidence is also likely to be much higher if you know that you’ve only got to make conversation for a short period. However if keeping the conversation going is concerning you then the next tip will help.

DON’T talk your date to death!

Remember, you don’t have to talk for both of you or fill in the gaps – use your questioning techniques to encourage your date to talk.

DON’T buy a new outfit especially for a first date.

It’s important to feel comfortable on your date and you’ll probably feel a lot more relaxed in something that you’ve already worn. If you have bought something new, then give the outfit a trial run first.

DON’T be too heavy

Steer clear of talking about the following subjects (until you get to know the person): your ex or past relationship failures, religion, politics, death or anything else that’s ‘heavy’.

DON’T put yourself down

Even if it is in jest. Making any negative comments about yourself – especially if you’re doing it to get them to respond in order to bolster your confidence is likely to have the opposite effect. The more positive you are about yourself, the more confident you will appear to your date.

Action!

Actions of the Week

It’s now time to spread your wings and fly. But before you do, just remind yourself of what you have learnt over the past six weeks and what you will put into practise:

• List 10 things you will take away from this course
• What will you do differently as a result?
• From your list of dating options, which one seemed most suitable?
• What is the very next step you need to take?

Congratulations! Over the past six weeks you’ve raised your awareness of some of the factors involved in building your dating confidence and now you can do something about making the changes you want. Good luck!