Part Two

Kathy’s Story

Kathy hated speaking up, making herself heard, in fact any kind of public speaking at all – even to the point of filtering her telephone calls via the answer machine. I received several e-mails before our first telephone conversation, and only then because I called her. Sure enough, she had sent me her contact number for me to call her (where more usually it’s the client calls the coach).

With Kathy it was different. I guess to be honest she wanted to check out the sound of my voice before she made that connection. I called because I knew if I waited for her to call me I’d probably be waiting a long time, yet I had picked up from the e-mails I’d received the pain and frustration Kathy felt she was in.

She had been the youngest of three children, her brothers and sister, and predominantly her mother would always speak for her, or her behalf, instead of letting her speak to anyone in her silly quiet little voice. Everyone would always utter to someone else, “What did she say?” the more they said it, and the more compensated she became by others speaking on her behalf, the more introverted she became.

Kathy was 30 when we spoke. She was single, lived alone and had no real friends – indeed only really mixed with colleagues at work in the local council offices. There, also, she was too quiet.

Kathy told me she wanted to live. She wanted a boyfriend, a husband, children, friends, holidays, and fun – in short; she wanted a life.

I set about nudging her comfort zone wider and wider, each week setting new and ever more fabulous targets (I say fabulous, because for example, asking a colleague out for a girly afternoon shopping and coffee trip was fabulous for Kathy, as she’d never done such a thing before).

Slowly at first, then quickly and with increasing rapidity Kathy began to set more and more fun and challenging targets for herself; bite sized giant steps, as I call them. All the time feeding her confidence, elevating her new found self esteem, challenging her comfort zone – and as time went on even she commented how she now enjoyed challenging her comfort zone.

Within three months Kathy had a circle of friends, attended the smartest health club in town, gave herself a whole new look, and began dating a cute guy (her description, not mine!). Nothing serious, at least not yet; just having fun. Living.

Part Three

Being Shy of Our Own Success

2000, our millennium was the first year I’d achieved some of my major goals. Sure, I’d enjoyed a successful career, but… well; I just hadn’t been attending to the other stuff.

I had always wanted to go back to college, for years in fact, to get more qualifications, meet people, to just stretch myself mentally once more. But previously I had either stumbled at the first telephone call, or even worse, decided silently whilst having a drink with friends that I really was ‘passed all that study malarkey’.

At my age I should indeed, know better – just get on with life and stop having stupid ideas!

Not very empowering, I think you’ll all agree.

Remember the old axiom; that doctors are the last people to seek help if they’re ill? Well, it was ditto one coach from north London (me) in need of a ‘life sort out’. You might be surprised, but at the time I felt isolated, shy, and stressed. The truth is, of course that even coaches are people just like anyone else, and even we can forget to apply the principles of self empowerment and belief occasionally.

It’s as simple as that. Sometimes even a coach should realise he needs a bit of sunshine on a beach for two weeks, or a good ol’ chinwag with friends, even a few early nights can do the world of good.

Part Four

Do Something Different

If what you’ve been doing hasn’t worked, do something different. If the game plan you’ve had of life hasn’t really been a plan at all, if so far life has just been stumbling from one event to another, then welcome to the majority! Whether it’s planning for career, finance, relationships or more particularly to improve shyness as part of a confidence upgrade, to have a step by step course of action, a game plan is an absolute must. Simply put, taking action will seem easier, progress will be more transparent; you will get from ‘a to b’ much quicker.

Whatever has been stopping you in the confidence stakes in the passed is just that; it’s history. Shyness is not the absolute focal point of what we should be working on. In essence we will be working ‘around the houses’, with a result which boosts confidence, and shyness. What, shyness? Again, it’ll just be a thing of the past.

Whatever it is.

So, 2000 was different for me. I enrolled myself on a programme of coaching, with myself! I made a decision that I would be more proactive rather than reactive with my life. To be honest, I had a personal coach anyway. Most coaches also have a coach themselves nowadays, again it’s ‘walking the talk’.

My college registration came and went. The first class, even though I am used to holding workshops and public speaking, scared the very life out of me. But I did it. I talked with fellow class mates, answered some of the teacher’s questions and had a fabulous time.

I empowered myself. I told other people my plan. I took action. Let me repeat that last phrase:

I TOOK ACTION.

Because that’s what it’s all about, getting up and doing it.

By taking action, the result is not just that you achieve whatever it is you set out to do, but the feeling of absolute elation. You feel great; that you relied on yourself and followed through.

Action!

Actions of the Week

1. Write down a list of all the confident situations you see yourself in during the next few weeks.

2. Describe what has previously made you shy

Maybe it was speaking to an audience, answering the phone, going to a party – write down at least a page on A4.

Once it’s all out and written down and you can feel and associate with it, draw two thick, strong lines diagonally across the page and write along the middle ‘DELETED’. Make it big, hard, and very powerful.

Look at the page again and sense that now all these memories and thoughts have been removed from your subconscious. Now shred the paper, screw it up, whatever, but destroy it. Celebrate this. Feel good. That is the end of that.

This is the beginning of a fabulous new future for you. Why? Because this time it’s going to be one of your own choosing.

3. Make another date with yourself.

This will become a regular occurrence. So many times we accommodate others; we go here, do this, do that – which is great and admirable, but now we’re thinking about ourselves.

A nice meal, trip to see a movie, read a book in the park or at a coffee shop, book a massage, spa, daytrip to the coast – the list is endless, which is great because this is a new, supportive habit; a date to keep, for us.

4. Write a love letter to yourself.

Why not? Buy Fiona’s CD, ‘Falling in Love with Yourself’, and do just that. Include the letter in your Success Journal (which, I hope you are still using…). Imagine yourself as you looking at you, or from a God like perspective; what would you be proud of about you? Make a list.

5. Call 5 people just to say “hi”.

They can be friends, family, colleagues from work/college, the telephone operator. But do this. Make sure you’re feeling happy and smiling as you do.

Expect nothing in return, just give a happy greeting – you’ll be amazed what you get back.

But, more of that next week.

Remember; be fabulous – always!

Part Two

Motivational Bootcamp

So, after 3 hours ‘motivational boot-camp’, as it’s been called, and looking a whole lot more confident and happy with the World, it didn’t really come as a surprise to get this last little question.

Once we know what to do and have mapped out a game plan, it’s very common to have a wobble and run back to our comfort zone for a ‘physiological hug’. And that’s what I gave Natalia by just affirming what she already knew; the best way to elevate self esteem is by taking action.

By doing something, anything, throwing caution to the wind and even risking rejection, this in itself elevates the spirit – you will walk on air (rejection or not).

“Believe and act as if it were impossible to fail”
Charles F. Kettering, 1876-1958, American Engineer, Inventor

For Natalia it was about making more music, pushing the barriers back some, of moving the comfort zone out a little so that other good stuff could come in.

What would it be for you?

Do you need to join a group, attend an evening event, class, workshop and the like? It’s different for everyone, but I would say that for the majority of us it’s about connecting at some level. Even if we consider ourselves a bit of a hermit, I still have yet to meet a real one; someone that genuinely doesn’t want to associate or connect with anyone at all. I think its very rear.

I believe it to be a basic human instinct to want to be with people. We are a planet of approximately 4 billion inhabitants. Our getting along with others not only helps us, it makes our life a lot more enjoyable as well.

Do you network? If not, why not?

It’s almost as if the phrase, ‘networking’ has gotten a bad reputation for the majority over the past few years. Most see it as business/corporate/endless days and longer evenings to further your career. I agree; with that kind of interpretation I would be wary of it, too.

But what if you thought of it as connecting who you are with the rest of the World, period? I’m not talking business, or at least not only business. I’m including friendships, partying, acquaintances at the local gym, saying “hello” to a stranger at the local supermarket. Connecting.

Sounds better already, doesn’t it?

If you knew you couldn’t fail what would you do, where would you go, who would you meet? Then, guess what? Pick up the phone, make that appointment, attend that meeting.

DO IT!

Part Three

Get a Support Structure

Another aspect I talked about with Natalia was the need for a support structure. I first read about this more than 15 years ago in Lois Proto’s book, ‘Take Charge of Your Life’.

In it he talked about the intelligence of building a step by step approach to saving the day when all else goes pear shaped. When things go wrong, don’t go according to plan, or you simply are in a negative frame of mind that day, to be able to call upon a pre thought out list of ‘pick me ups’; a support structure.

What would it be for you? Get thinking.

For me it’s calling a couple of people I know won’t judge me, and even more importantly won’t join me in my quagmire of disillusionment, will in essence ‘pick my spirits right on up again’. Others supports would be to get a neck and shoulder massage, meditate, read, sing, do a workout at my local gym, or see live comedy or a good comedy movie.

The last two are intriguing, and the reason I say make a list.

Imagine, I’m growling, I’m in such a bad mood (yup, it’s possible, even for a coach!!), so the very last thing I’d think of doing in such a situation is go see a comedy.

Stupid, huh? Precisely the reason I should go see a good, or even not s0 good, comedy. In my lucid, normal happy and constructive moments I know how much I adore comedy, and how a good laugh will really break even the tensest of moments. So, in the back of my diary I have COMEDY emblazoned in bright green pen (my second favourite colour after yellow).

I’ve also included; neck massage, phone a friend (two names listed), meditate, sing, read a motivational book.

Believe me, at times it saves my life.

Part Four

Darius Danesh

Remember him?

Okay, so he’s ‘between albums‘ at the moment, and that’s the scariest place for any artist to be in. ‘Oh my gosh, what if the audience forget about me? What if they reject me when I come back?’ Plus the oldest dilemma in the book, ‘what if a fail?’

Except we’re talking Darius Danesh, so normal rules don’t apply. This man just doesn’t know the meaning of giving up.

What did he do when faced with rejection during the first Pop Idol television contest? He went back home to Scotland, licked his wounds for a few weeks, went back to college and wrote a heap more songs along the way. 18 months later he’s back in Manchester attending auditions for the second series of Pop Idol, and everyone gasped; ‘how brave is he? He must want it THAT much’.

And you’re damn right, he did want it THAT much.

He put fear in his pocket, opened his mouth and starting singing all over again.

Of course, in the meantime he’d learnt so much more, becoming more mature along the way – indeed one of the initial comments he’d made out of pure enthusiasm during the first series but had since been used to bash him over the head with was to map out his career goals for the next ten years (to have a platinum selling album, etc). Others with less confidence and enthusiasm for life can be nervous of such honesty, and thus it was with Darius.

Except that what he said was in fact his real life plan. Subsequently when he didn’t win the competition most would have thought that would have been the last we heard of him, except he knew better.

He was supported by family, friends, his studies, his college, and of course his music – until the time was right to make a come back.

Double platinum selling album, tours and hit singles later this amazing young man is still at the beginning of a fabulous career. And even though I can’t tell the future and don’t know if he’ll have continued success, I know absolutely he will live a fabulous life. His energy is high, he supports himself all the way, and most importantly he takes action.

He considers what to do, plans it out, and does it. Simply, it works.

Part Five

Walking the Talk

What could you do different in your life, for you, by doing the very thing you fear most?

Repeating what I’ve said in previous modules; to suspend disempowering old values and beliefs for the duration is a good place to start. Even if you can’t think of an idea, just step out of yourself for a moment and ask yourself, ‘if I could think of something, what would it be?’ What would it be? Remember, suspend doubt. Dreamland. Ideal World. Paint a beautiful picture; your picture. All I’m asking is that you believe in yourself.

Again, look at you; the confident, fun loving, happy you. This is your private movie. The more real you make it the more real it will become in your life; the more it will become your life.

By taking action, any action, you will immediately boost your self confidence, and the more you do what you do the more the cumulative effect will send your esteem flying.

Action!

Actions of the Week

1. Create a new mantra for yourself
I know, I can hear you now, ‘what, a mantra, that’s so 1960’s’ But none of it. You already have mantras in place, I’m sure. What about saying to yourself, ‘I really hate Monday mornings’ whilst travelling to work every Monday morning? Or, ‘I’m really stupid for making that mistake’, when something didn’t go according to plan.

So, what about creating one that supports you. For example, ‘I’m fabulous and people love me’, or ‘I love being a huge success’, or ‘I’m happy and confident in every way’.

Only three rules:

• Make it personal
• Present tense
• Repeat it regularly and often throughout the day. I say mine when I’m driving the car, jogging – under my breath, mentally as well as aloud.

2. Answer the following questions, and then follow up with action:

• How else can I contribute even more to building up my reserves of self confidence?
• What must I do right away?
• Am I still avoiding or stepping over anything that should be on my ‘to do’ list?
  If so, do them first.
• List at least 25 reasons why becoming more proactive will boost my self confidence and overall life.’

That’s all for this week. Keep everything you’ve read and done alive by using it every day. It is by taking action every day that changes will happen; the more you do the more confident you will feel.

I wish you a wonderful and productive week!