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Chapter One of Successful Dating
Successful Dating
7 Steps To Finding Love
Chapter 1
Clearing The Path
"What would life be if we had no courage to attempt anything?"
Vincent Van Gogh
If you always do what you’ve always done, then you’ll always get what you’ve always got!
Think about this statement, do you really want your life to be the same three years down the line? No! You want things to be different. Maybe you want to meet the man or woman of your dreams, perhaps you want to be in a loving long-term relationship, looking forward to getting married and having children? Whatever end result you’re aiming for, unless you take some action and go on a date, nothing will happen!
The fact that you’ve picked up this book, tells me that you have a desire to move on from the way you currently live your life.
You’ve had the courage to admit this to yourself and want to do something to change things.
You may not know what to do or how to do it at the moment. You may just need some encouragement. That’s ok. Wherever you are on your journey, I congratulate you for starting it - the rewards are so worthwhile.
For the moment, I want you to set aside any worries or bad memories that might be holding you back. Just for now, let yourself daydream about the future. Imagine you already have the relationship you really want. Imagine you are actually doing all the things you have dreamed of with that special person. Where are you? Take a look around you, what can you see, what sounds can you hear? Really enjoy being in this daydream.
Just imagine, if the vision you saw were to become real, how much more would you enjoy life? How much richer would your life be? Would this be the final piece in the jigsaw for you? If you could have the relationship you really want, what would this do for your feelings of happiness? Spend a few moments just enjoying thinking about this relationship and the positive feelings it brings.
Be Prepared To Take Action
Each and every journey starts with a first step. I know that there may be some hesitation on your part, possibly some fear and procrastination, but the important thing is that you’ve decided to begin.
Having been on this journey, I can assure you that it can change your life in the most positive way if you are open to it. Over the next few chapters, I will share my experiences and those of others and provide you with tools and tips that I know work.
But, at the end of the day, you are responsible for your own success. However great the coach or trainer, only you can do the actual work, only you can build your dating confidence and only you can put all this into practice.
Be prepared to be totally honest with yourself and to do all the exercises. They are designed to increase your self-awareness. The more honest you are and the more work you do, the greater the results.
Whether you’ve been single for a number of years or have just come out of a marriage or long-term relationship, at some stage, unless you want to remain single, you will have to venture out on a date. For lots of people, this is a scary process. In fact I know very few who could honestly say that they were really confident at the beginning of the journey.
Maybe you are disillusioned having been out on dates with no success, and just can’t seem to meet the ‘right’ person? If this rings a bell, then this book is designed to help you too. I was once in that position, so I speak from experience when I say that it will pay you to go back to basics and do some ground work.
Let’s face it; if what you’ve been doing all this time hasn’t worked, you have nothing to lose and everything to gain.
Finding someone special to share your life is one of the most rewarding things that can happen to you. Don't give up on something you really want. If you do, it will be like giving up a part of you and you're worth more than that. So even when the going gets tough - keep going!
Perhaps you have spent many years giving priority to other things, like your career - pushing aside or ignoring any desire to find someone to share your life with. In my experience, lots of people get stuck like this and let time go by without doing anything about it. They acknowledge that they would like someone to share their life with, but lack the courage to take any action.
Over the next few chapters, I will be encouraging you to build upon your desire for change and helping you to increase your confidence. Wanting life to be different, combined with some action, will help you move forward from where you are now to where you want to be in the future.
The Proof Of The Pudding
Let me share my story. 1999 was a challenging year. I had been made redundant, my brother had been diagnosed with brain cancer and I was finding things a bit difficult to cope with. Despite much criticism from my then partner, I decided to take a year off to make up my mind what I wanted to do with the rest of my life.
Taking the time to find out what I really wanted was the best decision I ever made. The next move was to end the unfulfilling relationship and take some time to recover. So I set off on my own for a trip around Australia and New Zealand to really get in touch with what I wanted from life.
As a result, I created a portfolio career taking in all the things I love to do: coaching, training, developing training courses and travelling. One of the most rewarding parts of my job is coaching. I love coaching people to increase their confidence, move forward or change careers and attract or improve relationships.
Now, I believe in walking my talk. My focus had been on building a career I really enjoyed and getting myself back onto a firmer financial footing after my year off work. I had been systematically taking steps towards realising one part of my vision for my life and was about to take steps to bring another to fruition.
Whenever anyone asked me what I really wanted I would say, "I want to move to the country and have a couple of pigs, a horse and a dog." What I missed out was "a man would be nice too": this was usually an after thought. I had got to the stage where I was happy with my life and if a man came along then that would be the icing on the cake but it wasn’t essential and I couldn’t see it happening. I was so busy with my life doing all the things I enjoyed that I didn’t have much time to meet a man anyway.
Two things coincided to change that. The first was Fiona Harrold asking me to write the dating confidence courses for her website. When coach training was in its infancy in this country, the number of trained coaches was very small. It seemed that everyone knew each other. Shortly after Fiona had written her first book, Be Your Own Life Coach, she got so many requests for coaching that she asked me and a couple of other coaches to offer coaching services via her website.
As the demand for coaching grew, Fiona decided to develop courses for her website. As I had written and developed several coaching courses and had coached a great deal in the area of relationships, she asked me to write the dating confidence courses.
Whether it was getting back into the dating scene, coping with relationship challenges or recovering from broken relationships, my coaching skills had been called upon many times over the years by friends and as a coach in my professional capacity.
The second thing that changed my life at that time was I took steps to realise my vision of living in the country. I set off in search of my country home with room for two pigs, a horse and a dog.
I drove down to Kent with a friend to look at properties and it was this that finally made me realise that although I could do it on my own, what I wanted more than anything was to find someone special to share it with. This was the turning point. I decided to follow the steps I’d written about in my courses, the ones I so often coached my clients to take and those I shall share with you in this book.
The result was, I met a wonderful man who asked me to marry him and said he would build me a pigpen when we moved to our house in the country!
How To Use This Book
Over the next few chapters, I am going to take you on an inner journey that at times may be challenging, but will ultimately be worth the effort. Whatever your relationship goal, whether it be to get back into dating or to find the person with whom you want to spend the rest of your life, set aside time to do the preparatory work that will help you to reach that goal.
Buy yourself a journal or a notebook to record the answers to the questions given throughout each chapter as well as ‘The Work’ at the end of each chapter.
The trick is to take things one-step at a time. And the first step is in preparation. The more time you can spend in preparing yourself, the more likely it is that you will be successful. It doesn’t matter if you haven’t dated for years or have never dated. Your starting point is determined by where you are now and your desire to move forward in your life.
If the end result is worth it to you, then be prepared to take the first step along a journey full of discovery. Before you begin it, however, I want you to adopt the attitude that there are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
Many of us are very comfortable and confident in our own world, whether at work or with friends. However, most people’s confidence levels waver more than a little when it comes to dating. So rest assured that if this is you then you’re in good company!
Even if you've not been on a date for years, or don’t feel at all confident when you do go out on a date, it doesn’t mean that you are ‘different’ ‘abnormal’ or a ‘hopeless case’. The fact that you're prepared to do something about is says a lot for your determination. I admire your courage for taking the first step.
Let’s Start At The Very Beginning
What is your starting point? Do you want to get back into the dating scene having been single for a long time? Have you just come out of a relationship or through a divorce and are concerned about having to go through the process of ‘finding’ someone again?
Are you really ready for a relationship or do you just want to date? Be honest with yourself. Whatever stage you are at is fine, just get clear in your own mind about your starting point.
If you need more time to get over a past relationship or simply want someone to fill the lonely hours, then think about what steps you need to take to ensure that you are fully ready for a relationship. Expecting someone to bolster you up or make you less lonely is a recipe for disaster. Take as much time as you need to get your life re-energised and working. Then put effort into finding someone to share it with.
What Do You Really Want?
Make the decision now to enjoy the journey on which you are about to embark. Don’t view dating as a chore, otherwise you’ll lack the motivation to sustain the momentum. View it as an essential step on the road to getting what it is you want. Which brings me to the next question: what do you want?
Spend time now thinking about what you really want. Are you actually just looking to date? Do you want to have some fun without commitment or do you want to find that someone ‘special’, a potential partner, husband or wife? It’s so important to be clear about what it is you are really looking for because this will affect the results you get further down the line.
Be Honest With Yourself
People often fail to consider properly what it is they really want. Consequently, they find themselves embroiled in an unsatisfactory relationship.
One of my clients came to me because he found himself in this position time and time again and got himself into situations where he felt uncomfortable and, in his words "ended up hurting people." I helped him to be honest with himself about what he wanted. However, he also needed to be honest and upfront with the women he dated.
His desire to avoid hurting them was achieving the exact opposite and making him feel bad into the bargain. So, we worked on helping him to be open right from the start. He had not long come out of a serious relationship and fun dating was all that he wanted.
He switched from dating women who were looking for commitment to those who were happy just to have a good time for a few months. Consequently, he felt better that he was no longer living a lie and was much happier in himself.
Not everyone is at the stage of looking for a long-term relationship, nor is ready for one. However, before you can be honest with others, you have to be honest with yourself - it can save you a lot of hassle or heartache in the future.
I am not suggesting that if marriage is your ultimate goal, you should necessarily share this on the first few dates! But if what you really want is to settle down, get married and have kids, then to ignore that fact is only going to make it more difficult later on.
Just be honest with yourself in terms of what you want now and in the future, even if the answer is that you don't really know what you want in the future.
Why Do You Want A Relationship?
In your journal, list all the reasons why you want a relationship or want to start dating again. Think seriously about this and try and come up with as many reasons as you can.
Then, look back over your list and highlight any reasons that are in any way negative, such as, "I want to start dating because I need something to liven up my boring social life" or "I want a relationship because I'm tired of being on my own."
Now go through each reason and make sure that it is written in positive terms, translating any negative statements into positive ones, such as, "I want a relationship because I would love to share my life with someone special and would get a great deal of pleasure out of sharing in their life too."
If there were any reasons on your original list that were written in a negative tone, don't throw them away - keep a note of them as you may want to refer back to them.
Identify Your Motivation
One of the keys to success is to get in touch with your motivation for any goal. Now that you’ve spent time thinking about what it is you really want and why, take a few moments to think of how each of these goals will impact in a positive way on your life. What are the benefits of achieving what it is you really want? How will your life improve? Make a list in your journal. Unless you are really clear about what it is that you want from the outset, how will you know what to look for and how will you know when you've found it?
Reading through the benefits should inspire you. If it doesn’t, re-work your list until it does! After all, if you can't come up with reasons that inspire you to take action, you’ll hardly be motivated to embark upon a relationship or go on a date.
Take Responsibility
An important, even vital, part of finding love is to accept responsibility for what you are about to undertake. At times it can be tempting to blame circumstances, the other person, your ex, your parents or anyone else for that matter if things don’t go how you want them to. When you take responsibility it means that you are then open to learning from your experiences, good or bad. This is a much more empowering place to come from and realising that you have a choice in this matter will really help you to move forward.
Similarly, if you're looking for a man or a woman to make you happy, or to give you the type of life that you want, that's going to put an awful lot of pressure on a potential partner. You need to take responsibility for your own happiness. Besides, the happier you are within yourself and the more fulfilled your life is, the more attractive you will be.
As your coach, I want you to choose to accept responsibility for all your pre-dating, dating and post-dating experiences from this point forward. While you can’t change how others behave or have behaved towards you, you can now choose how your reaction to them and your own behaviour.
The Work
1. Why Bother?
Why do you want to embark upon this journey? Why have you chosen to read this book and do the work? Before we begin, it will pay you to find the answers to these two questions. When you have done that, ask yourself the question, ‘Why is this important to me?’ Clarity on this point can make the difference between achieving your goal or not.
2. Room To Improve
Buy yourself a journal or notebook and make a detailed list of what, specifically, you are looking to improve in terms of your dating confidence. For example, this might include: being able to relax more on dates; improved rapport; more confident body language; improved eye contact, etc.
3. Where’s Your Starting Point?
If you had to mark your dating confidence level right now, from one to ten where one is not confident at all and ten is super-confident, where would you be? It’s useful to know where you are starting from and great to look back on where you were once you’ve moved forward! Go through each item you listed in (2) and allocate it a score.
4. Clarify What You Really Want
Refer back to your account of what it is you are looking for, whether it’s casual dates purely for fun with no commitment, dates eventually leading to a serious live-in relationship or dates eventually leading to marriage. Then make a note of all the reasons why that is your aim and the benefits you’ll gain from achieving your goal.
5. Create Your Inspiration
Get in touch with what sort of man or woman you are looking for. Let your imagination run free. Describe their character traits, their physical characteristics, interests, and personality as well as general details. Make sure that everything you write is in the present tense - not future. To give you a couple of examples:
- He loves travelling and going away for romantic weekends.
- He loves my body just the way it is and tells me so.
- He's relaxed and secure within himself.
- He has a lovely face with strong features, kind eyes and a warm smile...
- We’ve just returned from a brilliant weekend away.
- She’s such fun to be with.
- I love looking at her; she has the most beautiful eyes and warm smile...
Have fun with this! Create something that makes you feel good when you read it.
Key idea
A journey of a thousand miles starts with one small step.
