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Lynda's Story
I came to see Sue feeling, to be honest, wretched.
I had a good job and great relationship with my two teenage daughters and I was generally a happy and positive person, but my marriage and home life had been very difficult and stressful for years and it had been difficult at times to feel how I could continue.
I’d got to know about Sue because a colleague had been struggling through a divorce and all of a sudden started to look and act like a different person – I’d asked her rather jokingly what she was on and she’d told me about a coaching session she’d had with Sue. It seemed to help her so much that I hoped Sue could help me.
What I valued most in talking to Sue was the way she tuned in so quickly to what I was feeling, the way she stopped me from sinking – she was very deft and caring, but she helped me move on – and the practical framework she helped me build to create some order in my life.
I realised how much my confidence and self-esteem had been battered, and how much the person I had become just wasn’t ‘me’. I also realised that I did not love my husband anymore, something I think I’d not even let myself contemplate.
Rebuild & Redefine
Sue helped me rebuild my sense of myself, she helped me to redefine my life in terms of what I wanted and needed, but in a way that didn’t make me feel self-indulgent or selfish, which was important to me.
She also helped me develop some very practical strategies on how not to be drawn into arguments with my husband, how not to feel intimidated, and I found these profoundly helpful.
I’d come to see Sue feeling like I was facing an impenetrable wall, and I left feeling that I could make my life work again. I no longer felt trapped. I felt liberated.
Things have moved on since then. Divorce is never easy, but sometimes it’s what’s right for everyone – I felt that when I walked out of Sue’s door, and the feeling’s got stronger since. Part of me is overwhelmingly disappointed that I couldn’t make my marriage work, but a bigger part of me is filled with optimism and looking forward to the new life I’m now creating.
Thoughts from Sue - Moving on
For Lynda, like most people, divorce meant that the expectations and dreams she had for the future had been wiped out, and huge disappointment - together with a gaping hole - had been put in their place.
She’d been a "couple" for so long that she wasn’t sure who she was anymore; she’d lost touch with who the "me" inside was, and what that "me" needed.
What made Lynda able to move on was rebuilding a sense of her own personal identity and hope for the future.
When so much around her was in chaos, she was able to be in control of herself, and see a positive path ahead. It helped her focus on getting out into the world again with an urgency to live her life to the full.
Practical Steps
What helped most was getting practical. She got out and made friends - taking up sailing again, something she’d not done since she was married. She enrolled in an Open University course, re-igniting a long-lost dream of getting a degree.
She studied her finances (something her husband had always controlled) and how to manage her income, including setting up a bank account dedicated to saving for a "world tour": another dream that had been put aside throughout her marriage.
Lynda's situation is very similar to many of the clients I work with. We all need a sense of our own identity, a feeling of being in control, and of positive expectation for the future.
If we don't feel those things, it doesn't matter what has taken them away - a bad marriage, an unfulfilling job, a bullying environment - the consequence will be that our self-esteem will become eroded and our satisfaction with life will fade.
Now let's look at YOU. Maybe you could take some time now to check how you feel about your sense of identity, of being in control, of positive expectancy for the future. If you had to score each from 1 to 10, how would you do?
Do this exercise regularly and make sure your scores keep high. And if your scores ever falter, get practical and take action.
Warmest Wishes,
Sue
