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Hold On To You
As a result of the incredibly successful Designer Relationship Workshop in September, I have been spending most of my time coaching singles, couples and many people going through or coming out of divorce. What I've noticed is that whichever group you might belong to right now, what everyone has in common is their need to retain their own identity both in and out of relationship.
who do you want to be?
Designing a relationship is not just about designing the type of partner you are looking for. It's about having clarity about who you want to be in relationship. Whether you are in a relationship right now that needs a little 'tweaking' in order to iron out any resentments, challenges or issues, or whether you are ready for a new relationship, understanding who you want to be in your relationship is vitally important if your relationship is to flourish and grow.
I'm often amazed at the personal compromises people make just because they'll do anything just to be in a relationship.
Compromises...
Take Katie. She keeps finding guys who become controlling quite quickly and take their moods out on her. She has a fabulous high-powered job and is well respected in her organisation, in relationships however, she may as well have a sign printed on her forehead that says 'pushover'.
Ben is travel journalist and his partner is a teacher. The relationship is on the rocks because Ben is away from home so much. Even if his partner wanted to join him on his travels, she can only take holidays out of term time and anyway she is a home loving girl. Ben adores his work and does not want to give it up but has already looked into working for a magazine that keeps him near home because he doesn't want to lose his partner.
Helen has been married for 25 years and her children are grown. Helen has gone back to studying for a psychology degree, which her husband thinks, is a complete waste of time so he undermines her efforts often in front of their friends. Helen says although she loves it, she may have to give it up for the sake of their relationship, after all she is not prepared to throw away 25 years of marriage.
Katie, Ben and Helen are contemplating compromising their true identities for the sake of their relationships and each knows that it's an extremely high price to pay. One client, Peter, is so afraid he will lose his cherished identity he has worked so hard to build, that he will not commit to a relationship and finds all sorts of ways of sabotaging himself so that the right partner just never comes along.
blueprint for success
Before you design your relationship you need to design your own blueprint for success that will allow you to retain your identity and have relationships that work. The key is to understand exactly what it is you must have in your life right now. You need to be clear and honest and decide that you will not compromise at an identity level.
We are not talking about putting the top back on the toothpaste tube type stuff type compromise, this is the real you, with your own values that just are not negotiable. Anytime you say no to your own 'must haves' you add fuel to a resentment bank that builds up and eventually breaks down even the most loving relationships.
You may be creative or an explorer or someone who loves their independence. You may be a lifelong learner, a mountain climber or a surfer or simply some one who wants exclusivity in their relationship. Whatever your 'must have' is in your life you need to take 100% full responsibility for making sure you honour it. No excuses, no justifying no rationalising.
this is not a dress rehearsal
The truth is you can be just as lonely and unfulfilled in a compromised relationship as you can going it alone for a while. This is not a dress rehearsal. Designing your relationship is as much about you knowing who you are and what you want as it is about finding someone to share your life with. When you understand who you are and what you must have personally, you are ready to take the design process further.
The next step is to stop 'allowing' your partner to treat you in a way that is not compatible with your identity. No one can make you do or feel anything. It's time to take 100% responsibility for yourself in relationship. This is not a 50/50 deal. If it's not the way you want it to be, blaming the other person is a waste of energy.
In order to have the kind of relationship that fulfils and satisfies you, you will need to stop colluding with your partner. This means you stop encouraging any of their behaviours that impact you negatively by refusing to accept them. Every time Katie allowed herself to be dumped on, she colluded with her partner in allowing him to be moody with her; if Ben allows himself to give up the job he loves, he colludes with his partner to keep their relationship narrow for both of them, whenever Helen allows herself to be undermined by her husband, she colludes with him to keep seeing her as someone without a separate identity.
You can see that there is more to designing a relationship than just deciding what kind of partner you'd like to have.
design your own relationship
Once you understand how to put these simple strategies into effect, you'll be able to design relationships that stand the test of time. At our Designer Relationship workshop, I'll show you how to discover your own true identity and give you a whole bunch of other tools to help you design a relationship that really works. I'd love you to join me on Saturday 6th November at My Hotel Chelsea. You can check out the booking details on the website.
For those of you who might like to work on this privately, well you know how to contact me and I look forward to hearing from you.
