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Great relationships require work. Contrary to popular belief it’s not love alone that makes a relationship work, its how you are able to handle conflicts and disagreements between you that will predict the sustainability of your partnership. 

Research shows that the likelihood of relationship breakdown and divorce can be predicted by the way couples handle conflicts.

So the key is to learn constructive ways to handle the differences between you that can lead to relationship breakdown. What’s really odd is that we learn foreign languages at school and even how to "talk" to computers, but when it comes to our personal relationships many of us don’t know how to talk or listen to each other and get the results we desire.

As a Relationship and Divorce Coach I meet many couples whose relationships have reached rock bottom. By coaching both of them I have helped them to rebuild their relationships over a very short period of time by showing them some miracle communication skills that have taken them from anger and upset back to understanding and love. 

Angela and Charles

When Angela and Charles came to coaching they were on the verge of splitting up. However with three children and a business between them, neither wanted to give up without knowing they had done all they could to make the partnership work.

When Angela contacted me and asked me to help, my first question was “do you both want it to work?” Angela said they did but at the moment there was such conflict, resentment, guilt and upset in their relationship that she had no idea how to get back what they once had.

However the fact that both of them wanted it to work meant that they were both ready to work together, which is a great first step. I told Angela that I could help but I would need to coach her and Charles individually. This is because each of them needs to be clear about what they want for their lives and their relationship and that may be something very different from their initial needs and wants at the outset of the relationship.

This individual clarity is vitally important to the process so both people are able to recognise where their needs just are not being met and acknowledge the places where they are.  Only when they know this are they able to honestly "bring themselves" to the relationship.

Communication tools

I told Angela that during the course of the individual sessions I would provide each of them with the same tool kit of strategies, which they can then use together. The tool kit contains fabulous communication strategies to help them listen so that the other feels safe in speaking and speaking to each other in a way that has their partner really hear what they were saying.

They would be able to eliminate blame, judgement, upset and frustration but they would be required to be more honest than they had ever been with each other. As Angela pointed out, their relationship was on the line anyway, so there’s absolutely no point in not being totally honest.   I added that I would expect each of them to take 100% responsibility for taking care of themselves during the process and report their progress back to me. They both agreed. 

We began the process by identifying what was most important to both of them and each were able to understand the fundamental values they held which they just were not able to honour in the relationship. Angela valued independence and freedom of choice enormously and Charles valued being in being included and participating in everything. This meant that Charles wanted to know about all the choices and decisions Angela was thinking of making within the business and at home.  Angela however felt that she was being watched and mistrusted constantly and so kept more and more hidden from Charles.

Listening

Charles got angry when he "found out" about decisions Angela had made without discussing it with him and Angela then felt guilty, frustrated and resentful.  When Angela and Charles began to use the communication tools I gave them, both were able to really hear what the other person needed. Charles was happy for Angela to make decisions but he wanted her to share her ideas with him so that he felt included.

He learned that some of his responses in the past had sounded judgemental and authoritarian to Angela so she had withdrawn and Angela learned that by misinterpreting Charles’ interest in her decisions, she had pushed him away and denied him the very thing he wanted, which was to be included. This one realisation on its own was the beginning of rebuilding a relationship which today rests of firm foundations.

It took Angela and Charles about three months to relearn how to communicate with each other so that both could feel really loved and supported no matter how hurt or angry one of them was. 

They learned to negotiate their way past any problems and repair any broken trust and best of all they learned how to create a lasting harmony and keep their love alive.

Design your own relationship

Whether you want to rebuild an existing relationship or learn how to create new relationships that really work, these amazingly simple tools will help you do just that.  At my Designer Relationship Workshop on Saturday 26th February 2005, I’ll be showing you some of these communication miracles for couples and how you can hold on to you in relationship and yet create more love and less conflict. I’d love you to join me to sample the benefits for yourself or you can of course email me at Francine@fionaharrold.com.