Love Rules That Work

Great relationships require work.  Contrary to popular belief, it’s not love alone that makes a relationship work: rather, research shows that the likelihood of relationship breakdown can be predicted by the way couples handle conflicts.

When I work with individuals and couples in relationship, showing them constructive ways to handle the differences between them is the key to helping them to create lasting love.

The Behaviour

Believe it or not, your partner doesn’t wake up each morning wondering how they can best upset you today. They don’t think ‘Oh it’s Monday, how can I really be a total bitch/bastard today and make my partners life miserable?’ Truly they don’t!

What they do is exhibit a behaviour that you interpret as one which is designed to make your life a misery.   

The thing to know is that their behaviour is not about you.  Yes it impacts you, I understand that. But it’s not about you.

99.9% of the way people behave is to do with what’s going on for them. What they want, what they perceive they can’t have and what they believe is happening or might happen to hurt them in some way.

Let me give you an example. Perhaps your partner is scared that you’re thinking of leaving him/her. It’s true that your relationship has been on the rocks for the past few years. You are pretty much living separate lives which you are both unhappy about.

But as yet, you have not sought outside help. Storms are brewing. Your partner wakes up in the morning full of fear and hurt and immediately questions you about whether you actually did you go out with a friend last night.

Their mistrust and interrogation tactics are just too much to listen to first thing in the morning. Plus this type of questioning has been going on for months and is wearing you down.

You retaliate by saying, ‘if you don’t believe me then phone my friend’. This only produces a response of ‘well I expect you’re both in cahoots, so I’ll never really know the truth’ etc etc and battle begins.  

The Belief

Is it about you? You’d think so. Actually it’s about them and the hurt and fear that they’re experiencing. You see, when you believe that they are attacking you, your defences go up and you’ll either withdraw (more likely if you are man) or defend verbally (more likely if you are a woman).  

Because you believe you are hearing criticism, judgement and mistrust of you, naturally you pull out your guns and shoot from the hip. If you believed that the accusations were about their fears for your relationship and what they perceive will happen if the relationships ends, you might respond differently.

The Response

Your response depends on whether or not you are interested in rebuilding you relationship, or moving towards a finale.

It it’s the latter, I strongly advise that you come clean, stop the fight, put both of you out of your misery and say you want out.

However, if it’s the former and you truly want to alleviate their fears and move towards saving your relationship, find out what’s really bothering them and be empathic enough to just listen - without defending your position.

What you will hear may surprise you and could lead a better quality conversation that enriches your relationship.