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You're one in a million, a one-off, there's no one just like you, nor will there ever be.

But do you know what makes you so special? How much of the real YOU do others see? Or have the demands of day-to-day life blurred the distinctions between your real self and your public self?

Do you ever wonder what happened to the girl who matured into the woman you are now? Did the boy you were grow into the man you thought you'd become?

Chances are you're a spouse or partner, a parent, and a money-earner now, and the responsibility of those roles keeps you happy and busy and walking a certain path. If you're resourceful, you may also be juggling the role of sibling, neighbour, committee member, campaigner, charity worker... the list, for most of us, is endless.

Women in particular are still so schooled to take care of others we can quite easily lose sight of ourselves, and the demands made on men are changing constantly.

All of which is great - but what about YOU?

Dreams

Do you ever wonder about the life you were meant to live - the dreams and ambitions you may have lost sight of or dismissed as not having the time for?

I believe you owe it to yourself to dig a little; see if you can’t pin-point something – a job, a hobby, a life-change – that could add true meaning to your life and express more of who you really are.

Because if you can unleash the fire that once burned inside you, you’ll have taken a big step towards REAL fulfilment. And it’ll make you happier and much more fun to be around, so everyone wins. You’ve nothing to lose.

Ten Strategies To Uncover the Real YOU

1. Start being selfish

If you’ve been a persistent long-term people-pleaser (not as rare as it might seem) the people around you will think you wonderful, and – dangerously – endlessly flexible and accommodating.  But if you’re running around servicing other people’s needs and wishes there won’t be much time left for you.

So grit your teeth and say no once or twice. It’s not as hard as it seems.

Try handy get-out clauses like “I’d love to, thanks so much for asking me, but I just know I couldn’t do it justice right now. I really can’t take this on.” And, “it just wouldn’t work for me right now” If it’s really not something you want to do, say no.

This helps define you, the more you do it, the easier it will be. It’ll give you time, breathing space, and a clearer sense of priority over the things that do and don’t enrich your life.

Take a moment and ask yourself:

1. What would I secretly like to do if I could stop considering other people’s expectations?
2. Who am I trying to please and what price am I paying here?
3. Is this school run/job/voluntary shift/DIY /ironing really what I want to be doing?
4. If not, then what would I rather be doing? What am I doing on a day-to-day basis that I wish I wasn’t?
5. What am I currently doing that is RIGHT for me? And how can I expand that?

2. Ask a friend

If the layers of responsibility have become so coarse and gnarled that you’re struggling to see beyond the here and now and the practical implications of any of your thoughts, try this exercise.

• Ask a parent, an old school friend, or someone you were very close to in your teens and twenties to come up with three qualities they associated with you then.
• Ask an old friend for three memories that stand out as demonstrable examples of the kind of person you were.
• No matter what’s happened since, you are still that person, those qualities are still within you. Write a sentence that combines those qualities, but write it in the present tense as: “I am naturally an outgoing, fun-loving... bold (or whatever) person..”
• Keep this as a constant, concrete reminder of the true you.

3. Picture yourself

Go back through the family photo albums and find a photograph of yourself aged 11 or 12 doing something active, having fun. This is an age when your original spirit will be evident.

If circumstances dampened or curbed your spirit at that time, go back to the age when your spirit was entirely fresh and unaffected, perhaps when you were 4 or 5.

Look hard at that photo.

Your spirit should be shining out. What words and values does that photograph evoke?

Look again at that photo and remind yourself, "that is me." Not “that was me” but “that IS me”. Your spirit may be hidden now, but it is still there.

Now how are you going to free yourself, to liberate your spirit and be who you really are? Don’t forget, once you’re over 21, no one can clobber your spirit – only you. So dig it out, dust it down and set it free. Give it a bigger place in your life.

4. Stop and think

There isn’t a problem that can’t be fixed by sitting in quiet contemplation.  No matter how much pressure you’re under, everyone can find 15 minutes of downtime to stop and think.

Don’t give yourself an agenda during this time. Simply enjoy the experience of allowing your thoughts to pass on by and your entire system to calm down and unwind. Keep a notepad by your side to jot down persistent thoughts or insights. Over time you’ll develop inner awareness and clarity.

Make regular time to think. Does something keep cropping up? The chances are you know more about the real you than you’ve been willing to admit. Stop telling yourself that you don’t, otherwise you’ll convince yourself it’s true.

Everyone knows what they want, though it may be buried under layers of self-doubt, fear and other people’s opinions. Assume with me that you know exactly what you want.

Be courageous and admit the truth to yourself. Now what is it? You may have the answer in front of you.

5. Identify your “essence”

Ask yourself this simple, defining question: if I were locked up in a prison for a long time what would I continue to do, what would I definitely not stop doing?

Your impulsive answer will give you a really good indication of what’s truly important to you, and what you should be doing more of in your life. Perhaps you said singing, or writing, or exercising... if so, these form the fundamental part of the authentic you.

If this exercise gives you your answer, you should make this new it centre stage in your life. If you do, you’ll feel more real, more true to whom you are. It may be something specific like singing, writing or keeping fit or something less obvious such as inspiring and motivating others.

This is what is absolutely vital to you to have in your life. It’s part and parcel of who you are. It’s your very essence. A meaningful life for you depends on you expressing these intrinsic impulses.

6. Forget about money

Imagine you’ve won the lottery and you never have to do another day’s work in your life. After the Bond Street shopping spree and the Caribbean holiday, what else would you do? 

Lounging by your pool would soon become boring (yes, really!). What would you do if you didn’t have to do anything? However idealistic your answers, take note.

You’re getting a glimpse of your ideal life here. Hold on to the images and resolve to bring some of them to life, either as part of your working life or outside of work. Getting paid for your contribution is undeniably handy, but the vital thing is to bring these changes into your life.

7. Write your mission statement

It’s perfectly acceptable to be chameleon-like and adaptable. In fact, it’s a great asset in today’s world where jobs for life are a thing of the past, but too much suppleness will weaken your underlying structure.  True strength and poise comes from a strong core – both physically and emotionally.  So who are you? What do you want? Here’s how to work out your own personal “mission statement”:

Answer these simple questions with 5 words or a short statement for each:

1. What do you want most out of life?
2. What do you want to see happen in the world?
3. What makes you special?
4. Things I can do/am capable of doing right now.

Now write this statement as follows:

I will... (Choose one answer from 4), using my... (answer from 3), to accomplish... (answer from 2), and in so doing achieve... (answer1).

Now you have a mission statement that gives you a purpose and strengthens your sense of self.

8. Be your own counsel

Vow to be more self-reliant. One sure way of losing sight of what you think and who you are is to ask lots of other people, or to rely upon your job title and work culture to provide you with a sense of self. You end up with a hotch-potch of views, and your wisdom will be no better than the received wisdom of others.

Vow to stop asking for advice or allowing externals things, like a promotion or a pay rise, to define you. And before you ask anyone for their OPINION, ask yourself first. Trust your instincts.  They’re better than you think and the more you use them, the sharper they’ll get.

9. Ban self-doubt

By now you’ll be putting together a clearer picture of a true you. You’ve come this far, don’t stop! Don’t let the demons of self-doubt ruin all your wonderful new intentions. The more you are convinced about your assets, the more others will be too. 

You owe it to yourself to appreciate your own unique brilliance and natural gifts. It’s not big-headedness, it’s about seeing yourself in the best possible light. We’re all born with innate gifts and talents. The trick is to spot them and use them to the full.

This goes beyond mere positive thinking. This is about the incontrovertible truth that you’ve simply not seen clearly before.

Here’s what to do:

• Identify the secret you (see above)
• Now look for the evidence in your life that demonstrates your intrinsic flair and aptitude, whether it’s mechanics,  music, cookery or writing
• Note at least 10 pieces of evidence (competitions won, collections made, compliments from respected people), with dates. Keep the list handy. Make sure the evidence is so convincing and so compelling, it will silence the other negative nonsense going on in your head.
• Don’t undermine the truth by telling yourself you’re not qualified to express this talent. Which cookery course did Nigella ever take? Did the Bronte sisters sign up for a creative writing class? Finally, have a holiday from self-doubt.
• Give yourself 7 day’s R&R from criticism and self-sabotage.  Every time you notice you’re doing it, stop. Remind yourself you’re on holiday.
• Once the holiday is over, decide if you want to sign up for another 7 days (you will!)
• After a month, you will have broken the habit of self-doubt and transformed the way you think about yourself and your life will show the benefits.

10. Do it!

Become a doer, not a talker.  There are two types of people, the ones who do, and the ones who do when they’ve finished what they’re doing.

If you’ve come this far, and you’ve uncovered a secret passion/skill/gift/urge that had been dormant for decades it would be an absolute travesty not to act on it!

Decide on one action that you can take today to get you on the road to reveal more of the undercover you. As George Eliot said over150 years ago, “it is never too late to be what you might have been.”

Come on – do it!