Sep 09
Is it reasonable to be miserable?
Is it ridiculous to be upbeat in the current economic climate? Is it delusional to try and improve your mood? Is it reasonable to be miserable?
The answer is Yes! Yes! and Yes! according to the media backlash against all things self-help and motivational right now.
This is what the Guardian had to say recently:
‘If you’re feeling the effects of the financial crisis in your own life at the moment, you almost certainly don’t want anyone coming along and telling you to think positive.
A second reason could be that you may be British: we’ve never embraced this stuff as enthusiastically as the Americans.
A third reason may be that you have tried to apply such techniques and discovered that they don’t work . . . And isn’t there something inherently suspect about the whole idea of “tips and tricks” for improving your mood, when a clear-eyed assessment of the world in 2009 would lead most people to conclude that things are, in fact – economically, environmentally, politically – very depressing indeed?’
You can guess what I think.
I think there is no more urgent time to think positive and work to improve your mood than in our current climate. The more doom and gloom there is in the atmosphere, you more vigilant you have to be to avoid absorbing it. The question is – do you allow external forces to dictate your outlook, actions and morale or do you take charge and carve out your own perspective and path?
In my time, I’ve done both!
Many years ago, when I decided to shift my perspective from miserable to masterful I came up with an action plan.
Here’s what I did:
1. I moved away from all the doom and gloom people I had been living and mixing with
It would have been impossible to have made the shift in my thinking – which was colossal – whilst staying in the same place and the same people. I left, taking one other person with me as a friend.
2. I stopped watching and reading all news media for a month
Thereafter, I rigorously filtered what I exposed myself to. Bear in mind I had previously lived in a household where the walls were plastered in news coverage of what a terrible state the world was in.
The message was – no one could or should feel happy until the revolution had swept in a fairer, better world. Yikes – this could take some time!
3. I made the decision to be happy
Not only did I make the decision to be happy but I gave myself permission be happy. This included rigorously training myself to be continually optimistic, seeing opportunities and silver linings everywhere.
4. I got help
I got a great teacher who worked with the Science of Mind/Louise Hay principles who helped me turn my mind around. All great shifts on the outside begin with great shifts on the inside, so I knew I needed expert help to turn my mindset around and challenge me every step. Does it sound like brainwashing? You bet – but at least I was in charge of the programming!
5. I found something to be passionate about
I got passionate about helping others through massage, going on to set up the London College of Massage and writing two books on the subject and I got passionate about helping others think more productively and get onto their right paths.
Way back then, before coaching had been ‘invented’, I called what I did, Self-esteem counselling.
There you have it; my path to from misery to mastery.
What are your tips for getting on the right path. Do you think it’s actually reasonable to be miserable? I’d love to hear your thoughts.
Brilliant response Fiona. I love it!
The Guardian said:
“And isn’t there something inherently suspect about the whole idea of “tips and tricks” for improving your mood, when a clear-eyed assessment of the world in 2009 would lead most people to conclude that things are, in fact – economically, environmentally, politically – very depressing indeed?’
Using techniques to lift your mood does not mean that you are hiding your head in the sand. It means you are acting responsibly by taking control of your feelings to feel more motivated, in order to be able to take positive action to improve the situation.
People who feel depressed often find it difficult to take any action so the situation never improves.
However if you can find a way to lift your mood then you are more likely to be better placed to take action – sometimes the smallest act can have the greatest effect.
Janice x
Good day Fiona,
This last year and a half have seen a couple of major challenges in my life.
What I have found is that sometimes “having patience” is also an action.
Being a very action oriented person I was finding it difficult to find the “right” action to take or indeed any action.
It was then that it hit me that perhaps this was a time to take an example from Zen and practice “not doing”.
So I found myself – doing some not doing, indeed, doing nothing, just letting the daily breeze take me where it would…walks, contemplation, reading, enjoying the sun (and rain).
It was hard for me (and those of us who are ‘doers’) to do this but after a good few days I got into the “groove” and it helped alot.
Some might describe what I am saying as taking a holiday – but it isn’t that.
Often times, particularly for self-employed people, situations arise when you can’t do anything – you are essentially waiting for the world to respond to your actions. Such as the current economic climate…then it might be time to practice some “not doings”.
For me it began as a fight to find something to do to alleviate my challenges and it ended up with a lesson that for us ‘doers’, not doing anything is also an activity.
Bless,
Kal
If you are happy, emotionaly healthy and positive, you are more able to do something about the state of the world – or, at least, a small part of it – than if you are cynical, ground down and “realistic”. So ignore the Jeremiahs, and instead follow the way advocated by Fiona!
I left a relatively stable management position back in January. I was unhappy and unfulfilled but with no savings and rent to pay leaving did not seem like an option at that time. After long hard contemplation I handed my notice in and took a leap of faith. I went for numerous interviews but everybody said the competition was tough and I was not succesful. I spent two weeks in India contemplating my next step, the day after I came home I was offered a temporary job in social care.
I now have a permenant position working in a school with autistic children, I am going back to uni next year to do a PGCE and have just enrolled on a subject enhancement course starting next month to top up the degree I already have and increase my knowledge. I can’t wait to start!!
My point is that my whole life has changed for the better, I now have meaningful work and am much happier than I have ever been before. If I had listend to the media and many others around me I would be stuck clock watching my life away. I believe positive thinking does work….even in a recession….I am proof of that.
Natalie
Great article and tips, Fiona. I love the comments too and certainly, as a ‘do-er’ relate to at times having to relax, let go and accept the state of ‘not doing’. This is usually before a major change in my life.
I help people to create Brighter Thinking for themselves and believe that we all have a choice – and science is proving that our brains respond to ‘our will’. Sometimes we do have bad days where negative, less-than-helpful thoughts creep in. It is useful again to accept these thoughts, notice them – they vanish faster!
However, thoughts are energy and the more we choose to find the good in the life (a recession is full of opportunities after all!) the happier and more content we will be.
Certainly, in challenging economic times we may have to make different choices about the way we live our life e.g. not go out for ker-ching dinners as much. However, we can choose to find the value in this.
Using this example, I am now finding more interesting / different / new things to do in my social activities as I realised most of it revolved round eating out! So not going out for dinner all the time is giving me new experiences!
You get what you focus on!
Best wishes
Rachel
My philosophy is simple : to smile every day and be thankful.
Through an accident of birth I live in a safe, peaceful, prosperous country, with a benign climate.
I have enough to eat; and I can drink water from a tap in my kitchen, not a distant dirty well.
I have access to education and medical care; I can vote, travel abroad, dress how I please, and express my opinions freely.
That’s a lot to be thankful for, and a lot more than most people have.
Thanks Fiona, great tips!
My personal cure for getting rid of the blues is to step outside. Sure, it doesn’t pay off the overdraft or settle the latest bill, but even just five minutes walking in the fresh air always makes me feel so much better.
OK, so I’m lucky enough to live in North Wales and have beautiful countryside on my doorstep, but the trick worked just as well when I lived in central London. Start looking around you – sky, clouds, trees and flowers, birds and even the odd mammal – the natural world is sure to give your flagging spirits a boost.
I must admit I’m a nature fan – after all I gave up a budding job as a freelance marketing consultant to spend a whole year travelling the world birdwatching, aiming to break the world record for the highest number of bird species seen in a single calendar year (see my website all about it: http://www.thebiggesttwitch.com) – which must have seem mad to some people. But I took a chance and, together with my partner, followed our dream. Now we’ve been invited all over the UK and overseas to give talks on the experience, and we’re writing a book about it all which will be published next year – so that’s another of my personal ambitions nearly fulfilled. And I was offered a job as a marketing consultant back in the UK even before I’d finished travelling.
So, go on, get outdoors – you never know where it may take you!
(And yes, in case you’re wondering, we’re now world record holders having seen 4,341 species!)
Hi Ruth,
I totally agree with you about getting outside into nature to get rid of the blues. I live in North London and we have foxes, squirrels, and all sorts of birds. Even planting up a window box with some nice flowers or herbs makes me feel really happy.
Congratulations on your world record breaking achievement. I love your website. By the way, I believe there is a rare type of woodpecker near where we live in Crouch End, N8 which is in a conversation area. I can’t confirm this and have never seen it but I often hear it or at least I hear some kind of woodpecker.
All the best,
Janice x
thank you so much fiona,
you article is so timely. I was just about to join the ‘band-wagon’ and begin to feel sorry for myself. Now I can keep focus on my passion and make something positive happen for myself and others. your articles are extremely enlightening, informative inspiring and most certainly will propel one into positive action. thanks again for keeping me focus and inspired.
Dear Fiona, thank you for this. At one point in my life I was so depressed I even felt suicidal. But then – actually on my way from Beachy Head – I realized I did not really want to die, I only wanted to escape the situation I got myself into: unhappily married in a foreign country. So I realized I needed to do something about it. I went to Relate, I got myself a part-time job working with children, and another one with people selling souvenirs at a National Trust property…and guess what: yes the mood lifted. I finished my degree, got divorced, got finally properly diagnosed (because it was not a mere depression I was suffering from), went onto translating books, getting a dream job in the National Gallery in Prague and now I am embarking onto MA course in Art Education. It took some time: 5 years since my problems started but I got here. Anyone can. It just took that conscious decision to get out of the rut no matter what. Life is for living. Live it.
Love,
Irena
Hi Fiona
I can relate entirely with Kal & Ruth, I am a ‘do-er’ in the biggest sense. Last year I was made redundant after 27 years with the same Company, at the time I decided to stay in control, that really helped me, my decisions based on what I had no control over kept me sane.
About a year after being told I was redundant I had a real emotional wobble and found it quite hard to understand what was wrong with me. I decided to enjoy the wobble, have a few tears and then took time out to daydream, think about the best possible future. Like Kal & Ruth, sitting around doing nothing is seriously hard for me! But I did it, a bit of Cornish sunshine, time talking to my Chickens and Geese cause they don’t give advice, worked a treat. Lots of new ideas for my self emplpoyment and now 6 months later everything is good.
I do believe that you have to achknowledge your feelings for a short while but then move on.
Many blessings to you all.
I am loving these fabulous posts. How unbelievably inspiring you all are – Irena – you are awesome -Ruth – I love what you’re doing and the website is wonderful- keep going. The message from all of you is to be brave and follow your heart.
If only more people would have the courage and imagination to do the same. New research from the Careers Advice Service says that most Britons give up on their childhood career dreams in exchange for a mundane life. Over half (56%) those asked admitted that their original childhood dream job didn’t seem ‘realistic’ now they had become adults .
Of course not everyone is going to be a professional footballer or pop star but it is tragic that so many of us in Britain feel so resigned and fail to grasp that life is what we make it.
We live in an affluent country that provides free education and all manner of support along the way, everything we need to pursue our dreams is out there. More of us need to reawaken our childhood dream – get the right support – and start making it happen.
Onwards!
xx Fiona
Hi Fiona, I love your passion and genuine empathy.
I live in Australia and the social problems are just as palpable as the UK.
I am a Northern Irish Aussie,of 22 years in Australia. I reinforce the power of getting off your ass and making your life “happen’. I am a hairdresser,and have achieved a wonderful career here as a freelance hairdresser. I engage 4 hospitals and have up-dated my hairdressing skills in the last few years, and I enjoy a balance between modern and the mundane! I am 61 years young and my age is no barrier to my passion of being the best I can be.
Regards,
Anne.
PS. Love your fabulous positivity!
Andrea, that was beautifully put. I’ve printed it off.
I go out for a walk with my dogs every morning and consciously stop to look at the view (it’s a Nothern city but there’s still plenty of beautfy) and appreciate the things around me.
I have had bouts of depression but I’ve learnt habits that I think will protect me from recurrences in the future. Gratitude is very powerful, as is choosing to be happy and just saying NO to those insidious negative thoughts that try to sneak in. I also surround myself with uplifting support like this newsletter and the forums on the website and back away from the negative and the cynical.
Great article Fiona, thank you.
Lucy
I have just come back from a lovely massage, followed by coffee (and cake) with my husband on the way home. I have signed up as a tutor for English as a second language and can’t wait to start. Almost everything on your list is part of my life – thanks for reminding me how much I have to appreciate (that is another of my methods).
Great post. Most of us (including me at times) feel we are ready to let go at the end of our rope and stop believing that things are going to be okay. I have seldom watch the News for more than a year now. Admittedly it is hard to make a decision to be happy. I’m sure we all want to, but sometimes we seflessly give up our own happiness for other we care tremendously about and we end up loosing ourselves in the process. Thank you for sharing this post Im sure many others will also find this post beneficial for them. Keep it up
I’m a coach who’s had her own life struggles and come out on top. I firmly believe the moment I decided to be ‘happy’ and live with a positive outlook, my world changed for the absolute better!
Totally agree with Fiona and yes, surround yourself with people who demonstrate how good life can be!
Jayne
Fionna, your answer if perfect and I wish the readers of the Guardian could read it!
I live in Hellas and sometimes I feel that the media is just a huge monster that is fed by bad news. I turn off the TV and I read only financial newspapers.
This world has been built by dreamers who did not give up when everybody else said they should. It is not positive thinking per se that changes our lives, it is positive thinking and directing your actions to what you want. Even if the destination changes, the journey fills you with experience. As Eleonore Roosevelt said “You gain courage and confidence from doing things you think you can not do”.
To me the challenge for someone’s life is to find her/his passion. Crisis or no crisis, if you find your true passion the rest is details.
Yes, its good to be miserable, to make us stronger as a individual in coping with the good and not so good things in life.
SOme may find this time as a lesson and being aware of the signs for a change or review of life.
Hi there, I just saw this thread a little after everyone else posted responses, but felt moved to comment anyway.
Firstly, I think misery is important feedback that something’s wrong, but then it’s important to get out of the mindset. Everything is an influence – our whole environment is, whether it’s the information we take in, the people we hang with, or the physical environment – so it’s important to take as much control of that as possible.
By taking responsibility for our mood and mindset we take it out of other people’s hands. Like other people here I can attest to the power of nature and beautiful surroundings to help. It gives perspective, and that’s so important when one feels immersed.
Some acceptance is needed, too, I feel. As Irena says above, it can take a while to sort things out fully, and it’s an ongoing process – life is. But it seems to me that it’s about doing the things you can to make the little changes each day and in each moment, and watching as life brightens a little more each day. Just don’t beat yourself up; stay alive. There’s time.
(By the way, I love Fiona’s comment on Oliver James’ background! Very important to put people’s opinions in context!)
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