5 Top Tips To Your True Identity

By FHCoach | 2 Comments

Dating and Relationship coach Francine Kaye give us her 5 Top Tips for retaining your identity in relationships.

1. Discover You.

Discover your true identity by focusing on what you must have in relationship. Must you have your independence, must you be respected, must you share holidays, must you have the same interests? Make a list of your top five ‘must have values’

2. Make it easier to experience your ‘must have values’.

You don’t have to wait for the right partner to come along to enjoy your ‘must have values’. Phrase your must have values in a way that allows you to experience them regularly, e.g. “Anytime I spend time painting, I experience my creativity” “Whenever I call my best friend, I feel loved”. Use the words “anytime or whenever to enhance your values.

3. What must you avoid most in relationship.

Must you avoid shouting, must you avoid being controlled, must you avoid alcohol, must you avoid being a ‘carer’ or playing some other caring role? Make a list of your top five ‘avoidance values’

4. Make it hard to experience your avoidance values.

Decide that you would have to keep on doing something specific in order to experience the negative. Phrase you avoidance values to enlarge the issue in this way: “As long as I keep on allowing…” I will experience feeling/being/doing…”

5. Don’t collude.

Stop giving people permission to carry on any behaviour that impacts you negatively. Pull them up on it. Let them know its not acceptable to you and why and if they care and respect you enough they will want to stop naturally.

2 Comments
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  • On 13 August 2009 at 6:29 pm Kristina said:

    These tips make sense to me and are helpful. There is one big question related to them: how to let close famlily members know this or that behaviour is not acceptable? How to stop it if they go on after you told them? How to set a border that they would not cross?

  • On 17 August 2009 at 3:34 pm Francine Kaye said:

    The first question to ask yourself is, ‘How am I partly responsible for them behaving this way towards me? You may be surprised at the answer. For anyone to behave a particular way towards us, for sure we are doing something that lets them know they can. When you figure out what you are doing and what you get out of it or maybe you even avoid as a result of allowing it, you will know something about yourself and how you operate in relationship that you didnt know before. Ask the question and do let me know what you come up with. I’ll be very interested to hear.

    Warmest wishes Francine.

    PS I also invite you to get a copy of my book The Divorce Doctor. Dont be put off by the title. This is the Relationship Bible for the new millenium and will help you understand how you operate in personal relationship, how to put strong boundaries in place and how stop repeating old patterns and create new ways that work. Good Luck F

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