Indestructible Self-Belief
Module 6: You're Fabulous!

Aspire more

Remember: what you think, you create. First comes your thought about yourself, then follows the outer world of physical manifestation.

Perspective > thought > reality.

If you don’t think something is possible, you won’t take even the first step towards creating it. If your self-belief is shaky, then you’ll falter at the first setback, confirming your strongest beliefs about yourself.

One woman who has aspired more is Catherine Zeta-Jones. Her determination to succeed has taken her from  a Welsh council estate to movie star A-lister.

As one of the stars of The Darling Buds of May, she could have settled for a limited television career in Britain, but instead chose to move to Hollywood where she reinvented herself in spectacular fashion. How spectacular?

Well, the actress recently signed a nine film deal worth £54 million. But this fabulous career didn’t drop into her lap. As she points out, ‘It takes a lot more than just being pretty. I came to America to join the lines of beautiful, talented, creative people who all flock to the nucleus of the business to do exactly what I wanted to do. It was very difficult at the beginning and I was very apprehensive about the whole thing. But I persevered because I never wanted to look back in years ahead and think, “if only I’d had the guts to give it a shot”.’

Holding the highest ideas for yourself is the glorious challenge I’m throwing you. I invite you to sketch out the grandest version of yourself and your life that you can possibly imagine. Shortly, we’ll look at you taking action. Just now, raise those expectations of you. Why not? If not you, then who?

Talent

In working with many, many clients over the years I never cease to be amazed at how entirely consistent people’s aspirations are with their talents. Whether they want a complete change in their life or simply want to move up in what they’re already doing, I can’t remember a single instance that didn’t ‘fit’.

In all instances the big leap forwards came from them believing in that ‘fit’ – that they were intrinsically equipped to have, be or do the very thing they wanted. In some cases they needed to get a few practical skills notched up, but that’s straightforward enough. The critical point is to see the rightness of what you’re aspiring for and the person you are.

You’re the Talent

Let me give you a few examples. If someone expresses an ambition to be a fiction writer, I’ll ask them to explain, to justify why they think they should be doing that. I probe into their childhood to look for the evidence that points to their innate talents and desires.

They’ll tell me of the writing competitions they used to win, year after year, the books they read while friends were out playing or dating, the short stories they’ve got tucked away.

This is the sort of evidence I’m looking for. I then highlight the significance of this for them, so they appreciate the rightness of their dream. The more they pay attention to this personal history, the more they believe in their talent, in their power, in themselves.

Who are they not to write? And if not them, then who? And if not now, when? I remember joking with one new self-doubting client – now a successful novelist – that at 37, she had over 30 years writing experience behind her – and so she had.

Look around you

Another client, Sarah wanted a change of career. She loved the idea of being her own boss, having her own business, but in what area? She said there was nothing obvious that she was really good at or loved to do. I asked her to describe her home for me, what would stand out for me as I looked around.

Without hesitation, she answered, ‘cookery books, everywhere, first editions, Mrs Beeton, Nigella Lawson, cake recipes handed down from my grandmother, they’re everywhere.’ I paused. She heard what she’d just said. Aha.

From that moment onwards we got busy working on the plan to fit a business to her passion. Shortly, she’ll open the most fabulous, glamorous food shop in London, probably the first of many.

Whilst many of our sessions concentrated on the logistics and practicalities of her plan, I frequently bolstered her belief in the exquisite fit between her self and her plan. The more she saw her business as the unfolding of her intrinsic talent and lifelong passion, the more ardently she believed in herself and her success.

Pure destiny, freewill and personal responsibility blending together.

Was she ‘qualified’ as an expert foodie? Of course she was. By her own authority. In her own eyes – first and foremost – most importantly.

Take action

Rose Gray is the co-founder of one of London’s best known and successful restaurants, the River Cafe.  But this was no overnight success story. Rose met her friend and partner Ruth Rogers when they were both working as graphic designers in 1970; they shared a love of food and dreamed of starting their own restaurant.

It wasn’t until more than 16 years later that the pair finally opened the River Cafe. Rose says now of this decade and a half wait, ‘as chefs we were completely untrained, but after a while you think, I love food, I love cooking, and that’s really how I want to earn my living. But we lacked courage. Looking back, we definitely should have done it sooner, instead of slogging it out as graphic designers for so many years.’

As I write this, I hear the news that the great psychologist Elizabeth Kubler-Ross has just died.

I am instantly reminded of something she wrote that seems so relevant to our conversation here today: ‘after your death, when most of you for the first time realise what life here is all about, you will begin to see that your life here is almost nothing but the sum total of every choice you have made during every moment of your life.

‘Your thoughts, which you are responsible for, are as real as your deeds. You will begin to realise that every word and every deed affects your life and has also touched thousands of lives.’

Do the Right Thing

Someone who has combined all his passions to create the life he loves is the gardener and TV presenter Alan Titchmarsh.  ‘People say, “oh, you’re so lucky!” I really know I am, but I’ve taken risks. Years ago, I threw in my job when I had a wife and a baby on the way. Most people said I was mad, but I had to do it. I’m very much driven by heart and tempered by head. Always, always, always listen to that inner voice. Whenever you don’t, it generally doesn’t work.’

Alan also believes in doing the right thing. ‘It’s important to do good. To leave here a better place when you shuffle off at the end.’

He’s so right, and studies seem to bear this out. One study found that older people who are helpful to others are 60 per cent more likely to outlive those who are miserable and self-centred.

‘Making a contribution to the lives of other people may help to extend our lives,’ says the paper’s author, psychologist Stephanie Brown. The study of nearly 1000 people concluded that it isn’t what we get from relationships that makes contact with others so beneficial. It’s what we give.

Three kinds of happiness

Psychology professor Martin Seligman has made the study of happiness his life’s work. In his book, Authentic Happiness, he identifies three types of happiness: the pleasant life, the good life, and the meaningful life.

Here’s what he has to say about each one: ‘The pleasant life is the Hollywood version of happiness, which is about maximising the pleasures and minimising the pains.’ (Think shopping, drug taking and casual sex.) The good life, focused on work, love, play and parenting, is traditionally the one we aspire to and more rewarding.

But Dr Seligman says for true satisfaction, this has to come with a meaningful life, which he defines as ‘serving the cause of something bigger than yourself.’ This is crucial because, ‘We all need meaning in our lives. Without it, we are just fidgeting until we die.’

Let go of anger

The Hollywood actress Susan Sarandon looks fabulous in her 50s, something she puts down to her state of mind as well as her Pilates passion. ‘Letting go of anger and hate is the key to staying young’, she says. ‘Hatred is definitely unsexy and not great for your skin.’

Downshifting

The trend towards downshifting after years of slogging it out in the rat race is well documented, but interestingly, a new breed of young, previously high achieving drop-outs are making the decision to quit the corporate grind before they’ve even hit 30.

They’re not prepared to endure years of disillusionment – they want personal fulfilment from the outset, even if it means turning their backs on the chance to earn enough money to help set them up for life. In the same way that it’s never too late to make that change, it’s also never too early!

What do you need to notice about YOU?

• What are you missing and missing out on? It’s all in the details of your life.
• What are the clues you’ve glossed over?
• What’s important for you to notice?
• What evidence do you need to accumulate?
• What do you need to believe about yourself?

This isn’t fiction. I don’t want fabrication. I’m after hard facts, times and dates, conversations, compelling proof. Keep this line of enquiry open. In a notebook, write this heading, ‘What I need to believe about me’.

Get clear on the precise nature of your investigation. Then set about building a watertight case, rock solid, irrefutable evidence that proves conclusively – to you – what you need to truly, deeply believe about you.

Then, believing in yourself is easy. You refer back to the evidence to reinforce yourself as and when you need to.

Handling criticism

Handling criticism is something that will test your foundation of self-belief and can shake you to your very core. Having a clear and strong foundation of clearly defined self-belief underpining you will help enormously, but you can still be rocked and unseated by other’s attempts to undermine you.

When this happens, take time out to examine the claims and if there is genuine fault on your part, face up to this and make amends. If you’ve made a mess, be big enough and self-assured enough to admit it and clean it up. If you feel you don’t have a case to answer and are being unfairly attacked, defend yourself.

Reaffirm who you are and shore up your self-belief so you emerge stronger than before. Think of what happens when a healthy immune system has to respond to an outside threat such as germs and how through galvinising its resources it fights off the attack and emerges not weakened but more robust than before.

Visibility

This is exactly how you must be. And the more successful, powerful, ambitious or visible you are, the more prone to criticism you will become. Be ready and be prepared to handle what may come your way.

I had my first taste of this a few years ago when a journalist wrote a personal attack on me and my work in a national newspaper. I was utterly unprepared and caught off guard by her vitriol and for a very short time threw me into questioning who I was and the value of the work that I do.

The shock of her attack actually weakened me at the knees and I had to grab the nearest chair to hold on to. I reasserted the value and importance of the work I do by reminding myself of my satisfied clients and the thousands of letters and emails I had received over the years from readers of my books.

I looked at her situation and career and reminded myself that she was far from totally happy and satisfied with her position and I also realised that she may well have been directed to write a ‘critical’ piece in the first place.

I determined not to allow her poison to infect my picture of myself or my self-belief.

So, forewarned is forearmed.

Be prepared for criticism and handle it thoroughly when it comes. Guard against any long-term damage to your self-worth and faith in yourself. Draw a line under it as soon as possible and refuse to allow it to follow you around or throw you off course.

Don’t be tarnished

Sometimes people come to be who have become so weakened by criticism that they’ve lost their shine and have allowed themselves to be tarnished and their spirit dulled by the mud slinging. I joke that I wish I could put them under a shower to wash all the dirt off!

Ask yourself right now if you’re walking around diminished by something someone has thrown at you.

Have you taken on someone’s comments, begun to believe them and now you dig at yourself? Remember, there is no more powerful loathing as self-loathing.

If you’re taking swipes at yourself, you’ll be far more effective in your undermining than any outsider. Clear up any ambiguity or messes from the past that have left their mark and move on.

Your opinion of yourself is the one that really counts. In time, you  will have to answer to you for everything you have ever done.

Ensure you are able to hold yourself in the highest regard by maintaining your values and principles and continually striving for your own highest standards.

Forgiveness is a vital part of any successful long-term relationship so extend it to yourself as you would to another.

Fear of Failure

Are there certain attributes successful people share? The fascinating BBC documentary Mind of a Millionaire suggested that some psychological traits are crucial to how entrepreneurs respond to challenges.

Dr Adrian Atkinson, the psychologist studying the behaviour of self-made millionaires during the experiment, pin-pointed entrepreneurs high self-belief. ‘They don’t recognise failure, and have selective memory when it comes to failure.’

The result, he says, is that failures are ‘re-patterned’ as learning curves: while most of us give up, the entrepreneur just keeps on trying. This determination to succeed is all important – the average entrepreneur will have five failed ventures before their first success.

Out of the pit

Stephen Palmer, Professor of Psychology at London’s City University makes an important point: ‘People who turn failure into success blame what they have done, not themselves. They see the failure as the result of mistakes they have made, that are not central to their personality. They often see failure as a life event outside their control. If you label yourself as ‘a failure’, it’s very difficult to pull yourself out of whatever pit you are in.’

Making failure personal will also make it difficult to de dynamic and decisive in admitting something’s not working, cut your losses and run. I’ve seen people hang on to relationships and businesses long after they should have admitted defeat or shut up shop.

I’ve watched people lose thousands and amass enormous debt, refusing to change direction because it would mean owning up to having got something wrong at the outset.

I assure you I have initiated heaps of bright ideas that haven’t worked out, and just as many that have. And because I attach no shame in saying something isn’t working and shelving it, including handing money back to customers, my vision isn’t blurred by my ego’s need to be right about everything.

And sometimes your ideas are ahead of time or you haven’t got your marketing or location right, but whatever the truth, it’s vital to address it so that you can get it right next time.

Don’t let failure or the fear of it hold you hostage in your own life. Break free from this way of thinking and you’ll be a lot lighter on your feet as a result.

Have fun

Some psychologists argue that the constant pressure on all of us to win and keep on winning is doing more harm than good. Children are tested and graded from the age of five, while the current generation of university students have never been so stressed out. Failure is not an option.

In America, one prominent academic, Harry Lewis, dean of Harvard’s undergraduate college, was so worried by his students growing need to impress that he wrote a letter to parents headed, ‘Slow Down: getting more out of Harvard by doing less’.

Lewis said he had warned his students: ‘You may balance your life better if you participate in some activities purely for fun. Many of the most important and rewarding things that you will do will be recorded on no piece of paper you take with you, but only as imprints on your mind and your soul.’

Your strategy to handle failure

1. See failure as being due to factors that you can change

These factors may lie in yourself, the outside world, or in other people.

Replace the word ‘failure’ with ‘learning curve’. Identify what went wrong and rectify the situation as decisively and dynamically as possible. Learn your lessons fast and thoroughly so you don’t repeat them.

2. Observe how others have dealt successfully with similar failures

Do this rather than dwelling on the failure of fellow sufferers. Learn from the mistakes of others. You can’t live long enough to make them all yourself. Behind every remarkably successful person lie some fascinating failures.

3. Stop focusing on how terrible the problem is, and concentrate on the solution

The successful spend only 10% of their time thinking about their problems and 90% dwelling on solutions.

Become a Master of solutions and options. You are never stuck and you always have choices. Ensure that you see them all by searching them out, because even if you don’t spot them, they’re there.

4. Remember, if you never experience failure, you are probably not trying to extend your boundaries enough

Keeping life interesting, staying fresh and involved has to include change and all change involves some risk.

You don’t have to be reckless but attempting something new and different will ward off stagnation and smugness. And, doing this regardless of the outcome is the real challenge and bonus.

5. Define yourself clearly

How do you want to see yourself? Envisage yourself as the dynamic, attractive, personable person you like to be, or whatever way you prefer to see yourself.

Have a picture of yourself in mind and mould yourself into this shape. Always have in mind examples of the type of person you are emulating. Reinforce your persona by using sentences such as, “I’m the sort of person who…”and “I’m not the sort of person who…”

The absence of courage causes more suffering than can ever be calculated.

Actions of the Week

1. Well Done!

You’ve stayed the course. You’re here. How much have you upgraded yourself?

Keep on moving up. Don’t stop here. Take you and your progress out to lunch. Dine on your developments. Drink a toast to you.

Self-praise is vital praise!

2. What’s your hesitation?

Check that you don’t have a lurking fear of being more powerful. Remind yourself that healthy self-belief is silent. It doesn’t scream for attention, beg for approval, shout to be noticed.

That’s reserved for the most needy in our society. Not you.

3. Live well

Live the life of an ISBer (Indestructible Self-believer). You have all the knowledge you need You’re fully equipped. Now, live the dream. Take a few risks.

Step out – your belief in yourself doesn’t depend on constant and never-ending success.

4. What’s your purpose?

Ensure your personal power is aligned to the bigger picture. What contribution does a pumped-up, fully-realised you make to the world?. Enshrine your life and power with a higher significance.

5. You’re fabulous!

Here you are, taking full responsibility for making your time here on earth work, for your own good and the good of all. You’re not moaning. You’re not blaming.

You’re just getting on with making it all work, doing your best and being your best. How downright fabulous is that? It’s terrific. You’re terrific.

Keep that firmly in mind, especially when you really need to.

I sincerely hope you’ve enjoyed these last six weeks and the course. Do please drop me an email and let me know how you’re getting on with it all.

If you would like to respond with feedback or to contact me to discuss one-to-one coaching, please email me on fiona@fionaharrold.com