Express Yourself
Module 1: The Art of Win-Win Communication

Significant You

Many great philosophers talk of basic human needs, the need to be loved, to have human contact, to contribute, etc. One of the most important is the quest for significance.

We need to feel special, to know we are being heard, cherished, adored and looked up to on a personal, professional, or whatever other level is important for each of us.

We look up to and admire the way legendary leaders have inspired us through the years. Think Nelson Mandela, John F Kennedy, Winston Churchill, and Bill Clinton and whether we subscribe to their brand of personal or public politics we cannot deny their charisma and ability to express themselves.

Stars and Leaders

In industry and big business names such as Bill Gates, Richard Branson and investor Warren Buffett spring to mind. We have and have had in the past great spiritual leaders such as the Dali Lama and Pope John Paul II. Nowadays we are entertained by and admire stars such as Madonna, Robbie Williams, Brad Pitt and a myriad of fellow celebrities.

However, whilst admiring them in one breath is healthy, quickly following with “of course, we could never be like them ourselves” isn’t.

If we think nothing of giving those we admire the significance they seek by expressing themselves so publicly, what then stops us giving ourselves permission to do the same in our own life?

Whilst I’m not suggesting everyone would want to be like any of their heroes, some of whom might be mentioned above, to be able to understand and evaluate what makes the best of what we like about them, so that we can then re-interpret those actions to help us on our own journey is not only achievable, it’s advisable. Isn’t that how we learn anyway?

Inspired

We are inspired and learn from our parents. We are inspired and taught by our teachers and those we look up to throughout our formative years. Throughout all we take the parts we like and discard those we don’t. We make selections. We choose. We create who we are based on those we aspire to be like. However, if that’s the case, then…

Q. How do we know if we’re on the right track?

A. By expressing ourselves.

Q. And how do we then know if what we’re doing works?

A. By getting feedback, by making contact, by connecting; by achieving significance.

“I always thought I should be treated like a star.”
Madonna

Your Personal Significance

How significant do you feel right now? Big question, I know, so let’s chunk down a little and look at each individual area of your life, for example:

• home
• work
• finance
• community
• partner
• family
• friends
• health
• leisure
• project (hobby) ….. to name a few.

Write your own list of areas that are important to you right now in your life, and then ask yourself the following questions with complete honesty:

• How significant do I feel in this area right now (rate 1-10, 10 being exceptional)?
• What specifically happens, and/or do others do in order to make me feel significant?
• What level would I like to be at?
• If I’m not at that level right now, what would need to happen for me to reach it?

Maintaining a level of significance in your life and being the one who instigates that course is immensely important to your overall psychological makeup.

Richard Bandler, one of the creators on NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming) put it in a nutshell when he said: “Brains aren’t designed to get results; they go in directions. If you know how the brain works you can set your own directions. If you don’t, then someone else will.”

For those of you wanting to understand and utilize some aspects of NLP, you will have your opportunity later in this course, beginning in module 2, “How To Get What You Want (And Want What You Have).”

Supporting Evidence

One of the many great bonuses of being able to address and top up your quotient of significance is in being able to create and attract more and more win-win situations to your life, and in essence “stacking” them in your memory for later use.

Stacking is another way of describing the art of providing supporting evidence that “X” is true in your world.

How will you know if you’re meeting your innate need to feel significant? By checking off your list of win-win situations.

The more you have, the more evidence there will be that you are taking action and being heard. And the more your do that the more your need for significance will have been met – which in itself is a win-win strategy!

Win-Win

A win-win philosophy is what I want you to introduce into your life. But what does the expression really mean, and even more importantly, how can you create it if you don’t already have it, and how specifically can you use it to improve your dealings with other people?

Firstly, win-win means that both parties WIN. It is the opposite of the win-lose philosophy.

Win-lose simply means that if I win, you lose (or vice versa).

Many great philosophers have suggested how even though with win-lose one of the parties is heralded the winner in actual fact both parties lose. So win-lose is really lose-lose.

Not very attractive, I think you’ll agree. Even though this seems at first sight quite a strange suggestion, when put into many real life scenarios it does in fact actually ring true.

Most obviously, in war even when one side conquers the other it is generally accepted that both sides have lost, in that both suffered terrible losses in terms of casualties, economic resources, not to mention the greater argument of human development and evolution.

Business takeovers, cornering the market, driving competition out of business is another scenario where in the near to medium term the consumer soon comes to realize how a monopoly equals higher prices with little prospect of redress.

More personally, if you have to lose in order for me to feel like a winner, then ultimately I’ve lost, too.

“It’s important to me that I should be free to express myself.”
George Michael

With win-win both sides win and nobody loses. Of course, allowing your potential opposition to succeed with the freedom to do as they please in the future takes immense courage.

It also involves self-awareness, honesty, kindness, forethought, and possibly most importantly, respect. However, one of the first rewards of adopting win-win as a guiding force in your life will become apparent when you realize you can get your point across more easily and with much less effort.

Suddenly you have nothing to prove, nobody to beat in order to taste success. The game of life is your own personal game. Other people have theirs, which is wonderful. However, it is your game that you have to focus on.

With win-win you automatically become your own manager, motivational consultant – your own guru. Once you are that, you can obtain your desired outcome gracefully and efficiently.

Reality Check

Now the reality check: how much win-win do your see around you at the moment – in business, politics, and of course in your own personal life? Most of “big players” (government, business, etc) are totally focused on what THEY want, and disregard everything else.

This does not create mutual respect, but rather mutual wariness! In contrast, personal power doesn’t mean throwing your weight around, pursuing your own interests exclusively or forcing your way through.

It means that YOU are in control. You decide what to do and say, how to respond, how and when to act. In the world, you make up part of that bigger picture, meaning that it does matter what you do, how you engage and what you add to life.

This thought moves you into an area of another human need, the need for contribution. More than simply giving money, it’s how and in what way you contribute that adds to your overall character, which again is how you express yourself to the world.

However, since this module is discussing significance, there will be more on contribution in a later module – just to say, contribution not only means you give of yourself generously, you also give yourself the gift of growth.

Actions of the Week

1. Get started!

It’s important to get straight to work with understanding where you are as regards expressing yourself right now. I’m assuming that on some level you’re not happy with some aspect of how you operate, since you’re reading this course, so I want you to identify honestly what has made you accumulate resignation or resentment in your life.

Is it a particular situation or person, or a rut you feel stuck in? Take some time to reflect, before writing down your answer.

2. Let it go

Now make a conscious decision to let it go. Use the burning bowl method if you like, whereby you write it down, and then (safely!) burn it. Let go of old patterns that have held you back.

Use the above affirmation mentioned as thought of the week, “I take total responsibility for expressing myself clearly and honestly,” repeating it many times each day. How many times? Make it your mantra, repeating it all the time to the point that after a while you might not even realize you’re repeating it in your mind even whilst listening to your iPod!

3. Practise

Look for at least 3 situations this week where you can practice win-win. There will be many opportunities in your daily routines, and we will be building and expanding on specific strategies throughout this course.

But for now begin and consciously practice the habit of saying what you want to say while acknowledging the other person.

For example: to your child, “I know you want to play, but you haven’t cleaned up your room. How about spending ten minutes doing that, and then you get to play outside?” Or, to your boss: “Joe, next time you arrange a meeting with my staff could you please let me know a little bit sooner beforehand, as it really helps me with my planning. Thanks.”

Remember, it’s not just about taking; it’s about giving something equally important back in return.

4. Record your progress

Start a journal so you can record your learning. It’s been proven time and again that people who record thoughts, plans, learning, projects and projections, the list just goes on and on – are always amongst the top 3% of achievers in society.

Your Life Journal can be beautiful leather bound volume, it can be a multi coloured transparent covered “voyage of expression” (as my ex-client, the gorgeous Ann created) – it can even be a simple notepad.

The most important thing is to treat your journal with reverence as you plan your future. Believe me, it will become weighty with insight, ideas and knowledge – your knowledge – and a source of motivation and self expression long after you’ve finished this course.

Finally, I’d like to acknowledge your focus and determination to be noticed in the world. Expressing yourself is easy and after a while will just flow. If however, at the moment it doesn’t feel quite like that, in the words of my very good friend Fiona, “just act as if, and go for it anyway.”