Dating Confidence for Women
Module 2: What Do You Want?
Welcome back!
After last week’s work you should be clearer about why you want a relationship and have begun to stimulate your interest in dating by visualising and allowing your imagine to create a revamped more positive description of the ideal man for YOU!
Now we’re going to expand and refine this.
One crucially important ingredient many people often overlook when considering what they want in a new partner is how they feel about you.
Wanting someone who loves you as much as you love them and expresses that love in a way that meets your needs is every bit as important as his physical appearance or interests – if not more so.
Use your imagination
You may have begun to think about this last week when you described the man you want to attract. If so, expand a little more on how this man feels about you.
Describe how the man you want feels about you and expresses those feelings, for example, ‘he’s supportive, he thinks I’m beautiful and tells me so, he’s very affectionate and loving…’
Answer the following:
1/ How does he express his affection for you?
2/ How does he express his love for you?
3/ How does he treat you in front of his friends and family?
4/ How does he treat you in front of your friends and family?
5/ How does he treat you in private?
Even though we’re still working within the realms of imagination here, it’s important to have a vision about the type of person you’re looking for. The clearer you are, the more confident you will be at turning down the ones who are not suitable. In other words when the warning signs ‘flag up’ at the begining of a new relationship, or even on a first date, being clear and confident about what you do want, and indeed what you don’t want, will give you the power to remove the ‘blinkers’ and walk away from something that you KNOW isn’t right for you.
If, in the past, you have started relationships with men who intuitively you ought to have said ‘no’ to, this new found knowledge and emotional intelligence will guard you against making the same ‘mistakes’ next time.
Turn your dreams into reality
Often people find it easier to describe what they don’t want rather than what they do want. We often say things like ‘I don’t want to smoke anymore’ or ‘I don’t want to go out with someone who treats me like this’. Often when we say we don’t want somehting in our life that’s exactly what we get.
If you have read The Secret by Lorna Byrne, or are familiar with the Law of Attraction you will probably have heard it said that what we focus on is exactly what we attract. When we ‘place an order’ with the Cosmos we are informed that the Universe doesn’t understand whether we do or don’t want something, it simply picks up our thought frequency and delivers that which our predominant thoughts have been focusing on.
So from here on in, instead of focusing on and thinking about what you don’t want, eg ‘I don’t want to be lonely anymore’, I want you to really focus and concentrate your thoughts on what you do want, eg ‘I am now ready to be part of a loving relationship’, ‘I am now confident and my life is full of fun’. Whether you believe in Cosmic ordering and the Law of Attraction or not, the fact remains that coming from a negative standpoint with anything in life will NEVER motivate you towards what you do want. So what have you got to loose?
‘Yeah right,’ I hear you say, ‘it’s all very well creating a description of the man I want to attract – but I live in the real world‘.
Just remember that writing down your ‘wish list’ is a very powerful tool to help turn your dreams into reality.
As top goal setters know, the power of the written word catapults your chances of success. In his book What they don’t teach you at Harvard Business School, Mark McCormack tells of a survey conducted between 1979-1989. In 1979 a group of MBA graduates at Harvard Business School were asked: ‘Have you set clear written goals for your future and made plans to accomplish them?’ It turned out that only 3% of the graduates had written their goals and plans down. Thirteen percent had goals but had not written them down and a massive 84% had made no specific goals at all.
Ten years later in 1989, researchers did a follow up interview on the same group of graduates. They found that the 13% who had made goals but had not written them down were earning twice as much as the 84% who had no goals at all. However the 3% who had clear WRITTEN goals were earning a staggering 10 times as much on average as the other 97% collectively. Are you writing down your dating goals NOW?
Brian Tracy the best-selling author and business speaker sad ‘if you were to write down your goals, you actually increase the chances of achieving them by a total of 1000% or more’. YES, an incredible 1000% – what have you got to loose? Writing down goals helps fuel your desire, keeps you focused, and keeps you on track to achieve more.
However it’s important not to turn your list into a ‘recipie’ for the perfect man. No-one is perfect, not you, not I, but that doesn’t mean you can’t find someone who is perfect for you! Someone with whom you are highly compatible.
Go back over your list and take note of what qualities you will and won’t negotiate on. Make a note next to each point as to whether you can be flexible or not about them and then prepare a seperate list of the things that are absolutely non-negotiable.
For example
He’s over 6ft tall – negotiable
He’s a non-smoker – non-negotiable
You get the drift.
Knowing what you do want and the areas where you are prepared to negotiate gives you great clarity, and empowers you to make better choices.
These include areas like having a relationship with someone who’s ‘unavailable’, i.e. involved with anyone else, married, just split up with a partner and may be on the rebound – and if that’s not on your list, then it should be! So, list below the things you won’t tolerate in a relationship – to get clear about what you want you should also be clear about what you don’t want.
Actions of the Week
To end this week’s session on a positive note, I’d like you to think of what matters to you most in relationship. What things are particularly important to you?
Sometimes it’s easy to focus more on the things you don’t like rather than what you do like or want. However, whatever you choose to focus on in life increases the time spent on that activity – and the last thing that you want to increase things you don’t want!
Get your lovely notebook out and write down the 10 things that matter to you most in a relationship. If you’re really clear on what you are looking for when dating, this will help you to build more confidence in your ability to recognise the good points in a partner. Secondly, when you choose to focus on the things that matter to you most, amazing things can happen!
Keep up with your Actions, because next week we’ll be looking at what’s holding you back from getting the relationship you want.
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