Family Finance
Module 1: Set Yourselves Up to Win
This course will lead you to full ownership of your family’s financial life.
- Are you worried about budgeting for school/college fees in the future?
- Do you look into the future and wonder if you are going to have to work to the end of your life just to keep the bills paid?
- Would you like to be able to manage on one person’s income?
Then this is the course for you.
Starting Out
When I moved in with my boyfriend after 22 days of mad passion, money was the last thing on our minds as you can imagine. But with 13 accounts in 8 different currencies, several foreign bases pensions, insurances and investments between us, it didn’t take long for plain logistics to demand we move our attention from the bedroom to the bank.
Having each separately lived and worked in several different countries during the previous decade we brought to our shiny new nest a jumble of financial arrangements. Each separate piece made sense to us individually (at least it did at a certain point in our lives.) However some of it was long due a spring-clean even if we had remained on our own. Together most of it was no longer useful and in some cases downright problematic.
The Euro gave us a big break. In one fell swoop we were down to only 4 currencies. The remainder provided us with …well lets call it a “learning opportunity”.
We got to learn about ourselves and about each other and ultimately whether we mastered money or let it master us. We learned about how we approached money, how we handled it, how we planned for it (or not). Every account represented more than a place to manage money. It represented an attitude, an approach to finances, a history and usually an emotional attachment.
Digging through our financial pasts we were forced to question our attitudes to independence, saving, spending, sharing, contributing to a family and providing for a family, to a name a few.
A huge percentage of family rows are about money, the origin of many divorces is rooted in money problems. It’s crazy that it is so because if you take away the fear and the unnecessary jargon, you will find it one of the easiest subjects to understand, manage and have it serve your best dreams for yourself and your family.
Whatever you bring from you past lives to the table during this course rest assured you are in the hands of those who have walked in your shoes, (paced the floor even), in dogged pursuit of bringing about a successful financial merger to support a deeply desired emotional partnership.
Putting First Things First
That’s why in the first module we’re not going to talk about money at all. Your partnership is, most importantly, about love and dreams. It’s about mutual respect and tenderness. Money is there to serve as a tool to provide you both with a means to be, do, see and have all the wonderful things you planned in those early heady days of hope and excitement.
Take a moment to remember that now. Remember why you got together in the first place. Feel those feelings and take them with you as you go.
There is no right or wrong in money management. “I’ll take the high road and you take the low road” is not the approach you are looking for. I want you both to take the shortest, fastest road, with lots of lovely lay-bys to stop and enjoy…well, the view of course.
We’re probably going to stir up some lurking discomforts for each of you individually and within your relationship. If we do and you experience uncomfortable moments, remember that first and foremost you love your partner. Be respectful in all communication.
Your Safety Net
If all else fails, here’s the ultimate safety net.
It was a wedding present to me from the wisest woman in the world. As a dear friend, she asked me what I would like from her as a gift for my wedding, (yes to the same boyfriend). I replied, (knowing my dear friend was also a respected psychotherapist and counsellor), “Give me something that will help me during the difficult times I know we certainly will face.”
Soon a package arrived containing a simple wooden carving of two people in a warm embrace… but with instructions. We were to accept if we both agreed that this figure would represent a request to give serious consideration to a deeply important issue.
It was addressed to both of us and here’s what it said.
In your marriage you will have times when you have something to say but you feel the other person is not hearing/listening/respecting you and you feel you have tried everything else.
When this time comes, pick up the carving and hold it in your hand. While you hold the carving the other person is to stop what they are doing and listen to everything you have to say. As long as you hold the carving they may not answer, interrupt, question or leave. They must sit quietly and just listen. When you have finished, put the carving down.
The other person can choose to pick it up or not – to reply or not. If they want to reply, they pick up the carving and hold it and have their say. They may wait several days before picking up the piece and responding they may choose not to respond ever. That is their right. You cannot force a response, you may not even need a response.
The carving represents respectful communication on deeply important issues. It is not an excuse to hold someone prisoner while you berate them or tell them everything that is wrong with what they are doing.
Do not abuse it. Use it wisely and yours could be the 1 in 3 partnerships that succeeds.
I now pass this gift on to you as you begin this journey together.
Thomas J. Stanley in his book “The Millionaire Mind” states, “Having a common interest in wealth-building activities is a key for couples who wish to become financially independent”.
Congratulations on being one of those couples. And now you are equipped to handle yourself with dignity, integrity, kindness and understanding as you progress. I wish you success!
What We Will Be Doing
Every week over the next six weeks, I will be setting you tasks divided into two elements.
- First you will have a task or tasks designed to help you identify and build your own personal and mutual financial psychology.
These tasks will help you find out why you do what you do financially. They will weed out the bad habits and build on the good habits. Believe it or not, this is where 80% of money management lives. - Secondly you will have tasks that are simple numbers exercises.
These are designed, step by step; to build up a real accounts based blueprint for your family life.
As you go through the action items in each module, you will be guided to do some independently, then get together to discuss the results. In the exercises take turns to go first, always listen all the way to the end of what each person is saying before commenting.
Any not so positive comment must be sandwiched between two positive comments.
When sharing your results create a space where you both are comfortable and will have no interruptions. Do not allow discussions to trail all through your everyday conversations.
Actions of the Week
1. Choose an object to represent your need to be heard.
If you both agree, buy an object or select one you already have, that will represent your need to speak and be heard in quiet acceptance.
2. Why are you doing this course? (separately)
- What will it mean to you if you change your financial habits now and take charge of your financial life?
- What will it really mean for your future to be comfortable and confident in handling your money?
- Who do you want to become financially?
- What things will you be able to give yourself and those you care for?
- What experiences will you be able to have and what experiences will you be able to share with others?
- Close your eyes for a moment and see yourself in 12 months having taken control of your money? How does that feel?
- See yourself in 5 years and 10 and 20 years? How will your life be different if you complete this course starting now?
3. Why are you doing this course again? (separately)
Now, answer all the same questions again but this time see yourself in 5, 10 and 20 years NOT having taken control of your finances.
- What will your life be like if you just keep on doing what you have been doing up to now?
- What will that cost you?
- What will it do to your health, your relationships, and your day to day life?
- What things or experiences will you never have?
- How does that future feel to you?
4. Significant Financial Others (separately)
When you are part of a family, the decisions you make impact others. While you may have chosen to take this course, others in your family may not have. It is not your job to make them learn what you want to learn, not to instruct them second hand.
So, make a list of the people impacted by your decision to examine and/or restructure your attitudes and management of your finances. How will these people be impacted, physically, emotionally and financially? Do they know about and/or support you in following this programme?
- List three ways in which they will be benefited by your following this programme
- List three ways in which they may be threatened by your following this programme?
- List three ways in which you can minimise any unpleasant impact for these people?
5. Your first lay-by (together)
Do something enjoyable together now. Don’t skip this. This is your first stop off on the road to financial peace of mind. Take the time out and you will not only make it to the end of the road, you will also enjoy the journey together. Reward yourselves (both of you) for taking this first step.
That’s it for this module. Easy wasn’t it. See you next week when we’ll be getting into your first numbers exercise.
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