Relaunch Your Life
Module 6: Living Your Life

Controlling Your Emotions

Now I am not saying that you shouldn’t embrace your emotions – you should! It is unhealthy to hold in your emotions.

I am saying, however, that we should not make your home there. Too many people allow themselves to constantly be in a state of pain. It is healthy to say, “That statement made me feel sad.” It is unhealthy to say, “You made me sad.” With the second statement, you give up your power to another person.

I have a relative (we will call her Lucy – not so much to protect her privacy as to protect me!) who is constantly mad at one person or another. When her sister accidentally forgot to call on her birthday, Lucy said her sister hated her.

Another time Lucy bought some perfume. I loved the scent and bought my own bottle. Lucy was upset that I would dare copy her. Any suggestion to Lucy that she needs to calm down or that she is making too much of an issue will bring a barrage of anger. This constant upheaval of emotions has added to Lucy’s already life-threatening illness.

It would be much better for her to tell the other person what she is feeling at that moment, and then to simply forget it.

Negative emotions, such as anger, have a detrimental effect on our bodies. According to medical doctor Randall M. DeVault II, anger causes increase in stress hormones which can lead to high blood pressure, which can in turn lead to headaches and heart attacks. Keeping this in mind, it is the person who holds the grudge that ends up in pain, not the person he or she is holding the grudge against!

It is important to let go of unhealthy emotions.

Stress and Health

Stress is another unhealthy emotion. It is the stress hormone that causes cortisol levels to rise. Many people live with stress on a constant basis. Stress.org calls stress America’s number one health problem, and according to the Health and Safety Executive workplace stress in the UK is equally high.

Taking Personal Responsibility

From working with children, I’ve learned how easy it is to put blame on others. Cries of “he caused it” and “he did it – not me!” are often a child’s first defence. Unfortunately, this is a habit we often do not outgrow as we become adults. Taking responsibility for our actions is a large part of turning our lives around!

Responsibility. Henry Kissinger said, “People think responsibility is hard to bear. It’s not. I think that sometimes it is the absence of responsibility that is harder to bear. You have a great feeling of impotence.” If you are not responsible for your life and your actions, then you are not in control of them either! This means that you have relinquished control over your life to someone else.

In my first marriage, I faced physical and emotional abuse. My husband was a child (we both were, really, at 19), and he acted like a child. When he didn’t get his way, he would use his physical strength to intimidate me, and to force me to do what he wanted me to do.

This lack of control is what terrified me most. The fact that I felt I could not control what was happening to me was one of the most traumatic events I had ever faced. It wasn’t until I realized that I did have control and that I needed to take responsibility to say, “I made a mistake. I want a divorce” that I was able to heal. I took back that control of my life by taking responsibility.

I am not saying I was responsible for the fact that he abused me. I am not saying that I caused the abuse in ANY way. If you are going through the same experience, it is NOT your fault.

However, I am saying that I needed to take responsibility for still being there for him to have a punching bag. I could leave. I will be the first to admit that it was easier for me than most. I had a loving family to go to. But, other women without families still manage to leave. Even if I hadn’t had a family to go to, there are abuse shelters around. Some women have legitimate fears about what a spouse might do to retaliate if they leave.

If this is your situation, talk to law enforcement. You can also find information online.

Responsibility is not always easy. In fact, most of the time it is difficult. There are times when you may feel that you are in no way responsible for what has happened to you. And you might be right. But you are always responsible for how you react to the problem.

Rachel was a 26-year-old mother of one when she found out she had ovarian cancer. Her dreams of a family were just beginning when they were tragically shattered in one moment. An emergency hysterectomy was performed to destroy the cancer. The only problem was it would also destroy the chance of more children. Children Rachel desperately wanted.

Facing these circumstances, Rachel could have become bitter. After all, it was not her FAULT that she had ovarian cancer. It was not something she signed up for. It was a horrible occurrence in which she was forced to survive. Instead of bemoaning her fate and becoming bitter, she took responsibility and decided to look at the bright side. She was alive. God had seen fit to give her a gorgeous, healthy, intelligent daughter before the cancer struck. She decided she wanted to live happily. Today, six years later, she is still healthy and cancer-free.

Do you take responsibility for your actions?

Here’s a short quiz to help you determine your “responsibility IQ”.

• Do you find yourself blaming others? For example, when you are late, do you say “My wife made me late”?
• Do you often make excuses instead of accepting blame?
• Do you look for the good in others?
• Do you look for the good in yourself?

If you answered yes to the first two, you have trouble taking responsibility. It is time to start to change that. You can never turn your life around if you aren’t in the driver’s seat!

One way to start taking responsibility is to stop making excuses (even legitimate ones). Just say,“I’m sorry. It won’t happen again.” Then make sure it doesn’t happen again. Another way to begin to take responsibility is to not blame others for your mistakes. Even if your wife took too long to get dressed, she didn’t make you late. You had the option of leaving without her! You CHOSE to stay instead and wait on her.

Another way to take responsibility is to stop waiting for permission. I was a very obedient daughter. In some ways, this is a great attribute. In others, it isn’t. It caused me to have a deep respect for authority. But authority is not always right. Just because my parents may not agree with a course of action I am taking, does not make me wrong in taking it. It is intelligent to seek advice, but you must remember that YOU are ultimately in charge of your destiny. You don’t have to ask for permission.

I am going to Ireland this spring. I asked a friend of mine if she would like to accompany me. She replied that she would have to ask her boyfriend. The coach in me took over, and I asked her some questions. She and I discussed who was in control of her life. It is one thing to seek her boyfriend’s counsel before embarking on such a journey, but it is an entirely different thing to ask his permission!

By being responsible, you take control. You no longer have to wait for another person’s permission before you act. You might also find that the person you’ve been relying on will be happier as well. After all, it is a tremendous responsibility to be the source of someone’s happiness (or unhappiness). Take your life back and you will be able to finally have the life you’ve dreamed of. Pursue your goals with the knowledge that when you get there, you will have been the reason!

Actions of the Week

1. Celebrate!

You’ve finished the course. You have shown hard work and determination, and now you need to celebrate your victory. Invite your two closest supporters to go out for a bite and tell them one thing you’ve learned about yourself during the past six weeks. One of the best ways to remember something is to teach other people the topic.

2. Press on

Now that you have finished this course, don’t forget to keep moving. Look at your goals daily. Recharge by reading motivational books. Take a walk or perform some type of physical activity daily.

3. Keep your journal

Continue with your journal habit. Keep writing what you are grateful for each night.

4. Find faith to go on

One reason I was able to turn my life around was because of a deep and abiding faith in God. I urge you to read The Case for a Creator by Lee Strobel. Read this book with an open mind. Or check out your local church. My faith in God moved me through many difficult times.

5. Savour your success!

You now have the tools you need to turn your life around. Go out there and take on the world! Your new motto: VICTORY!

Write to me and let me know of your successes! I’d be so happy to hear about them.

I wish you joy and strength in your new life!

With love,
Kristie

Kristie Dean is a life coach who specialises in coaching victims who have
experienced trauma. A victim of spousal abuse and stalking, she managed to
not only turn her life around, but design it so it is abundant. She has a
passion for helping others do the same.
Feel free to contact her at Kristie@KristieDean.com.