Relaunch Your Life
Module 5: Build Your New Identity
Coming out of the Closet!
Did you ever play dress-up as a child? Did you ever pretend to be a character from a television show, movie, or book?
Wasn’t it a wonderful feeling of possibility? I remember vividly, as a child, getting sawdust from my father’s workshop, sprinkling it on my head and trying to fly off the couch, while singing, “You can fly! You can fly!” To this day, I swear I flew a bit! The enormous capabilities of our mind to create and recreate our lives is the focus of this module.
I know, you’re thinking, “Kristie, I’m too old too play dress-up. My problems are too big to be solved by a bit of play.”
True. However, there is nothing wrong in creating a new identity.
In reality, we do it all the time. You don’t act the same with your husband or wife as you do with your boss (if you do, there’s a problem there that needs to be addressed!). We put on “new faces” to the world all the time. This is not the most effective way to be. Each of these faces is a mask in which you hide your true self from the world.
It is time to pull your true self out of the closet. This is really what we’ll be doing in this module.
We’ll be creating the “you” that you were meant to be. A “you” that is based on your values and goals, and not on what you think will please another person. A “you” that will never change for any situation.
Many people don’t realize this, but the most respected and admired people are those with convictions – those people who aren’t afraid to speak up for themselves. If you are like I used to be (and to be honest, I still struggle against it even now), you are a people pleaser. That means you do whatever you think you need to do to be liked.
Let me show you how badly that can turn out.
When I was 16, I met a young man who had serious problems. I did not realise this at first, because I was overwhelmed with the joys of first love. He swept me off my feet, complimented me all the time, wanted to be by my side every waking moment, and just generally made me feel beautiful and loved.
Time passed, and against my family’s wishes, I still continued to see him. He got in trouble with the law, and I took up for him when my family told me to stop seeing him. Eventually, I realized how awful he really was, but I was still a people pleaser at heart. I didn’t want to hurt him, as his family had kicked him out.
Finally, I got the courage to break it off with him. I breathed a sigh of relief thinking it was over. It wasn’t.
He began showing up wherever I went, walking into my house whenever my parents weren’t home, and threatening to kill himself, and ultimately, me. He had swiped a key from my house and had made a copy. I should have told someone what was going on, but I didn’t. I didn’t want to upset my parents and be the cause of his going to jail.
So for years, I’ve suffered nightmares and various other side effects from this case of people pleasing.
As you can see, it is not a harmless problem. It is a serious character flaw, and it is one we will be correcting here!
Find a superhero
The first step on your path to creating your new identity is to find someone you admire. It can be a person you know or it can be someone you have only seen on the movie screen.
Now, take out a pencil and your journal. Tell me what you admire about that person. Be specific. Go beyond the superficial. You don’t even particularly have to like the person to admire something about them. One thing I admire about Madonna is her spunk. She never lets anyone stand in her way.
Look at your list. You have a list of qualities that you aspire to have in your life. You can have all these qualities. It is simply a matter of keeping them in the forefront of your mind. Let’s say you are shy. One of the character traits that you admire is having an outgoing personality. You are going to a party where you don’t really know anyone. Fake it till you make it! Be outgoing. The worst thing that could happen is that you get the cold shoulder. That isn’t so terrible. What is terrible is wanting to be one way, yet acting another. I know from personal experience.
For years, I felt trapped in a dead-end existence. I was working at a job that I hated. I was sick from stress due to my job. I felt like all I did was work, come home, sleep, and work again. I wanted to work out at a gym, but I was too tired at the end of the day to drag myself there. All of this stress and negativity affected my marriage as well. I was bitter and argumentative. In short, I was hard to live with! I set goals, but I never reached them. It was because I didn’t put the work into it that was necessary to realize my dreams. I didn’t force myself to do things that were painful in the short-term but that would pay off in the long run.
One of my dreams was to travel overseas. The two things holding me back were money and, in one instance, a travelling companion. It is expensive, but I found as I readjusted my priorities – if you really want to do a thing, you WILL find a way. By sacrificing a few simple pleasures and saving money each month, I was able to save enough to finance my trip. I overcame the obstacle of not having a travelling companion by simply going solo (that was one of my favourite trips).
For the past four years (five, including this coming spring), I have made it to Europe, Jamaica, the Bahamas, and Mexico. Now, people are always asking me, “Where are you going next?” or “Next year, when you go to Europe, can I go with you?” I did it all because I learned to visualize my goals and how to change MY perception of who I was. Believe me, travelling through a country by myself for 12 days, changed my perception of myself from a dependant person to an independent person.
So, how do you do it?
It’s a very simple process. It involves visualisation of what you want to accomplish. Studies have shown visualization to be an effective tool in creating the life you want. As a matter of fact, I am sure you use visualization now – in a negative way. Do you find yourself thinking about all the ways something could go wrong? That’s the opposite of what we want to do.
Visualisation is a strong ally on your road to your dreams.
Visualise Success
Your subconscious mind cannot tell the difference between what is real and what is imagined. This part of your mind is the part that is always working. You must program it to work for you, not against you. All it involves is a little preparation.
Many people are visual learners. It helps to have pictures of what they want in front of them. So, the first thing you need to do is to create a dream board.
Create a Dream Board
On this board you will place pictures of your dreams.
First, take your goals. Cut out any picture that looks like a visual image of your goal. I still do this. Just a month ago, I found a magazine article discussing weight loss. The main person in the article was named Kristie. The tag line read, “Kristie lost 20 lbs. in 40 days!” Even though I don’t have that much weight to lose, I cut it out and put it on my dream board to help me visualise eating better.
If your goal is a new house – find a picture of a new house. If the goal was to lose weight, find a picture of a person who is at your ideal weight and paste a picture of your head on her body. Second, find a picture of a woman who seems to embody those characteristics you want to claim as your own. If you picked a mentor that is often in the news, find her picture. Put everything you can think of on this board. Make sure you place this board in a spot where you can see it every day.
Perfect Practice
The next step on your road to your dream is actual visualisation. There is a saying that I agree with totally. “Practice doesn’t make perfect. Perfect practice makes perfect.” The only way you can have consistent perfect practice is through visualisation.
The first time you try this it might be a bit difficult. It will get easier with time.
Take your list of qualities you admire. Think of a situation you will soon be in where you would need to use each of those qualities to be the person you want to be. Now, find a place to relax where you will not be disturbed. Darken the room and sit comfortably with your hands on your lap. You could lie down, but if you are anything like me, you work so hard that the minute you lie down, your brain says, “Ahhh, sweet sleep.” I have to sit up for this. Try it and see what works best for you.
Now, slowly focus on each body part. Start at your toes. Squeeze them tightly and then let them relax. Work your way up your body, all the way to the top of your head. Once you’ve done that, imagine your body being so heavy that you can’t lift your arms. They are sinking into your legs. Your legs are sinking into the floor. You should be totally relaxed. If it helps, you can write out a script that you can listen to that will guide your relaxation.
Once you are relaxed, picture the scene in your mind. We’ll use a party scenario, just for fun. Imagine that the hostess opens the door for you. You walk in confidently, head held high, shoulders back. You smile at the people by the door, all the while scanning the crowd, looking for someone. You see someone standing alone by the refreshments. You walk up to him or her, nodding and smiling at all the people you pass, and introduce yourself. You make fantastic conversation, and then you part to meet another person. Once you’ve spent 10-15 minutes visualizing, take a deep breath, stretch, and get on with your day. You will feel more confident and energized. It is as simple as that.
However, small bouts of visualisation work well too. Every morning, before you get out of bed, picture your dream. Every evening, picture it again, as you lie in bed. Fall asleep thinking about your dream. You will have a more restful sleep, as well as become the person you were meant to be.
You will see a change in yourself within a few weeks. You must try something for about one month before it becomes a habit. Visualize for at least 20 minutes a day, every day!
Congratulations! You are well on the way to becoming the “you” you were meant to be!
Actions of the Week
1. Create a dream board
Make sure you create a dream board. Don’t skip this action.
Seeing visual reminders of your goals each day helps you to stay on target. As you grow at this, you might want one dream board per goal.
2. Visualize your goals each day
Take the time early in the morning and late at night to visualize your goals. Then throughout the day, take a few minutes to visualize the goals again. You can do it. It is just a matter of readjusting your priorities.
3. Take an active break
You can visualize while walking, running, working out with weights – just don’t close your eyes!
4. Keep a victory journal
Every day list ways that you see your goal coming to fruition. You will be surprised at what you see – especially if you are taking steps to achieve your goal.
5. Be the new you!
Don’t wait until a month or two has passed! Begin being the new you today! As I said earlier, “Fake it till you make it”. The worst thing that can happen is that you are a little more self-confident.
Until next week, keep smiling (and I bet your smile is growing bigger – day by day!)
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