Express Yourself
Module 3: Speaking to be heard

There is no doubt Oprah Winfrey is a living, breathing example of what it is to come up from the wrong side of town, becoming mega successful against great odds that at times where stacked hugely against her, building an enormous media empire, and yet still very publicly riding an often precarious roller coaster of personal challenge and evolution.

She’s very much an enigma, and I know from coaching men, women, black, white, gay, straight, single, cohabiting, entrepreneurs, employees – the list really does go on – that her very openness, tenacity and thirst for human life both inspires and motivates others BIG TIME.

Part One

Model behaviour

One of the great ways to learn, and one that can also cut down on the journey time of evolution, is to model from others that have gone before.

As babies, we model our language as well as our most basic characteristics and tricks for living on our parents, siblings and other important people around us.

At school we again model and learn best from the teachers who inspire us. How else could we learn to speak, walk, learn to read, play a musical instrument, enjoy sport, pass exams and create an adult life?

Of course, we don’t just copy, we do far more, in that where once we observe and then practice how someone else does something, then reinterpret it in our own way. We develop our own characteristics, our model if the world.

In coaching and NLP statistics show how when people model someone inspirational that has trod a similar path before, then the person doing the modelling will vastly accelerate and increase their own chance of success in the same area.

At some point it will become authentic in that they will put their own personal imprint on the action, and so modelling will again be a proven vehicle to get from where they are now to where they want to be.

This year’s model

For the next couple of days I want you to model, to “act as if” you were Oprah Winfrey – or at least Oprah as if she were living your life.

If you’re presently a fan of hers or don’t know too much about her, since you’re reading this on the internet, take a look at the results for a Google search for Oprah Winfrey.

Spend half an hour reading through the myriad of pages (almost 6 million last time I looked) so that you can get an idea, an essence of who this lady is. Personally, I think she’s sassy, funny, light, direct, respectful, and has an almost bottomless pit of empathy and humility with fellow searchers.

For the next couple of days model her, become her. If someone asks you something or challenges you, or if you have a bad mood, find yourself grouchy or nervous, feeling like a failure, or equally enjoying a huge success because you’ve achieved something or have been paid a really nice complement, take a breath and then think “what would Oprah do now?” – and do it!

Part Two

Play games

Later on we’ll develop a plan whereby you find your own role models, and if you’re reading this worrying because you don’t think you have a role model, relax because you do.

A great way to view coaching and any kind of personal development is to think like a child. In childhood we play games, we pretend, we impersonate, we make things up, and most of all we have fun.

After working with so many people over the years as a coach, from housewives to businessmen, from pop stars to actors and writers and doctors and even the occasional scientist, I know that at some point you can again view life and the work we do here as if through a child’s eyes. Play.

Make-believe

If you don’t have a personal role model, adopt one, make one up, play make-believe. So long as it gets you to where you want to go, then it’s worked.

As you go through the next couple of days modelling Oprah, remember to ask yourself the following questions:

  1. How would Oprah answer this question?
  2. If she were me, how would she react to this (particular situation or challenge you may have)?
  3. What would Oprah do differently today to whatever it is I’m already doing?
  4. If I could learn one thing from Oprah right now that would instantly make a difference in my life, what would it be?

“The whole point of being alive is to evolve into the complete person you were intended to be.”
Oprah Winfrey

Part Three

White noise

I trust you’ve now begun to experience the benefits of more conscious communication by creating win-win situations and by asking for your needs to be met, and now by modelling.

As discussed earlier, language is so important. However, for the most part we underestimate the power of language the language we use.

If you stop to think about what is actually said in most conversations, you may find that a lot of it is “white noise.”

White noise is generally described as waffle, filler – not to be mixed up with small talk.

Small talk is what we sometimes do to keep the moment, to initially create rapport or keep rapport until the main event. It may not be the meat of the conversation, however small talk is most definitely the muscle that keeps it together, which is why many people feel so abandoned or vulnerable in its absence.

White noise generally feels like earache, usually unwelcome, is one directional (think monologue), without respect, and is unconnected with the other persons agenda. And the thing is, WE ALL DO IT SOMETIMES!!

What can we do to turn the volume down or even better, to cut our own white noise completely? Try these top tips and see if they work for you.

  • Make sure that what you say is relevant, accurate, timely and honest!
  • What you say and how you say what you say impacts on others – positively or negatively, so take responsibility for your words. The actual words you use will influence how you are perceived and whether or not others listen to you, so become that third person as well as being in the moment.
  • Listen to yourself. Would you listen to all that waffle you come out with sometimes?

NB: Your words create the environment in which you live, so create a loving, supportive, kind one.

We will work on developing a personal vision of the world we want to create in a later module, though for now follow a basic rule of kindness – to yourself and others.

Part Four

Art of speaking

The art of speaking and responding often takes practice. I recently heard about a chap who felt really awkward when people greeted him in the morning at his workplace – he just didn’t know how to respond!

This might seem strange to most of us, but this chap had grown up in a home where no one said a word when they saw each other in the morning. He’d found a wife with whom he managed to carry on the same tradition.

So, it took some conscious practice and mental rehearsal – now he’s doing just fine!

5 Key Tips

Here are 5 key tips for speaking in a way that ensures you are heard, understood and respected once you’ve irradiated white noise.

  • Tip 1: Speak for yourself
    Take responsibility for your thoughts, beliefs and emotions. Use “I” statements for clarity. Then it’s clear who is saying what:
    I want some coffee; I think it’s too late to go; I am happy; I believe in truth; I saw it happen, and so on.

    A variation on an “I” message uses my: my opinion, my belief, my preference is, etc. Statements such as “I think we feel,” “It seems we,” or “I believe we,” are statements which try to speak for a group.

    This is presumptuous, since you can only speak for yourself with honesty. If you want to find out others’ opinions and views, ask them!

  • Tip 2: Have an efficient and effective conversation
    Most conversations sort of drift along. At work, this is wasteful since we want communication not chatter. At home and in our personal lives, we’ll have greater fulfilment and intimacy and avoid misunderstandings if our conversations are more focused.

    Here are 3 useful pointers: remember it’s your responsibility to ensure your message is clearly understood, ensure you clearly understand the intended message sent to you, try to exert some control over the flow of the conversation.

  • Tip 3: Avoid gossip
    As you know, you can’t throw dirt on someone without getting some on yourself! We’ve recently moved home, and our neighbour stopped to chat with me. She quickly filled me in on the lives and happenings of our neighbours before I managed to gracefully exit.

    Needless to say, I will make sure she doesn’t know anything about us that I wouldn’t want the whole street to know! Gossip erodes trust. It is not an attractive habit.

    If people gossip around you, try saying I’d rather hear about you, or I’m not comfortable discussing someone who isn’t present.

  • Tip 4: Paraphrase and summarise
    Every few sentences, round up what has been said – “so, you’re saying xxx,” or “you think option B is risky because xxx,” etc. This is summarising.

    Paraphrasing is when you interpret in your own words what you think someone means: so, this customer’s behaviour makes you defensive and you’d like to be more elegant in your response?

    These techniques, widely used in therapy and consulting, help to clarify meaning and remove ambiguity. If you’re off-target, you’ll find out, because what you’re doing is playing back for confirmation.

  • Tip 5: Questioning techniques
    Questioning is a powerful form of communication when used properly. It helps avoid incorrect or incomplete information and improves understanding.

    Questions can be open, closed, leading, probing and reflective. Open questions require the answer to be more than yes/no. They usually begin with WHAT – WHEN – WHICH – WHY – WHERE – HOW.

Part Five

Clever questioning

Remember, “why” questions tend to make people defensive, seeking for a justification type answer, so use with caution. Construct sequences of effective questions to explore others’ thoughts, motivation, feelings, actions and capabilities.

Think of a funnel: start wide and open at the top, and then narrow the type of questions as the conversation moves along and develops. Some generally useful questions are:

  • What prompts you to say that?
  • How do you mean?
  • In what way?
  • For example?

Questioning opens up dialogue, expands thinking, and sets the stage for more productive outcomes. However, avoid a sharp, interrogative approach and don’t let a conversation develop into a question and answer session!

Action!

Actions of the Week

1. Practise “I” statements

Notice and drop the ‘we all’, ‘everyone says’ and other collectivisms – take ownership of what you think.

2. Focus

Focus your conversations by using the 3 pointers in Tip number 2. This may well feel heavy and clunky right now, and the more you use and practice these new strategies the easier and natural they will become.

3. Cut the gossip

Notice your own tendency to gossip and how you respond to those who gossip. Practice honest, graceful ways of dealing with this as suggested in Tip number 3.

Cut the white noise!

4. Practise paraphrasing

Use the techniques of paraphrasing and summarising at least 3 times per day for the rest of this week, and be amazed at what difference it makes. PS: Record these new realizations and discoveries in your success journal.

5. Use questions

Finally, insert a few well-constructed questions into your conversations. Again, notice the difference it makes. Decide how to use these tips.

Perhaps you’d like to focus on one each day, or remain aware of all of them during every conversation. You may wish to summarise each onto an index card for frequent review until they are a part of who you naturally are.

Next week, we address one of the most crucial aspects of good communication and self-expression – listening. Continue building your communication repertoire by following through on these “speaking actions” and express yourself beautifully!