Express Yourself
Module 2: How To Get What You Want

Welcome back. Completing the actions from the first module should have helped you identify some of your needs, as well as identifying exactly what a “win-win” situation might look like for you. Congratulations!

We all have uniquely specific needs, and it’s in meeting those needs that we find the key to balance, fulfilment, and happiness for a more progressive and vibrant life.

In short, we must seek to have our needs met, and met abundantly if we are to enjoy life. Once that happens, we operate much better, in a much more fluid and centred way. We also attract what we want more naturally, as we’re not needy anymore.

As Shakti Gawain once said, “the Universe will reward us for taking risks on its behalf.”

Part One

Bust the myth

First, let’s bust the myth that those who love us and are close to us should automatically know exactly what we need and when we need it. It doesn’t happen that way! People cannot know our needs moment by moment by moment, as if by osmosis.

It is up to us to clearly and gracefully express our needs.

Think of it as part of the contract; the give and the take, what we give so shall we receive, karma, the law of the Universe, The Bible – and if it’s mentioned so widely throughout thousands of years there really must be something to it.

How else would we get served in a shop, a restaurant, or in so many other areas of life? We present our request; we state an item we want to buy, make an order for food, ask for a cinema ticket, buy a can of drink… and we get served – we get what we want and our needs are met. Why? Because we ask.

Why then do we not attach the same “win-win” philosophy to other more personal or fundamental situations in life, like with our partner or friends, at work, college or in a competitive situation?

Somehow then we expect the other person to know. But since we rely to a greater or lesser degree on them just “knowing,” we fail to be understood in the way that we need. When they obviously don’t fulfil our needs we get despondent and negative. Or even worse, we begin to blame.

“Start with good people, lay out the rules, communicate with them, motivate them and reward them. If you do all those things effectively, you can’t miss.”
Lee Lacocca

Part Two

The process

Understanding how you, me and everyone else on the planet process information is the key to successful communication and expression. What we see, hear, touch, taste, feel and smell, we interpret.

And it’s with that interpretation, plus the acquired memories that shape and affect everything about our world - how we experience it, and how others experience us.

It is generally accepted that the brain processes between 2 and 5 million pieces of information every second. A huge number, I know.

Everything - from controlling our heartbeat, to regulating skin temperature and the need to perspire, breathing and blinking, walking and even laughing, and these pieces of information covers all areas of the body, to speech, memory, sight – 2 to 5 million is a very long list indeed!

Of course we couldn’t hope to be consciously aware of all that information, so our brain filters out all the data we don’t really need, doing it “automatically” as it were, leaving us with between 5 and 9 more digestible nuggets of data per second.

This is conscious though, what we focus on, what we “think” about. It is linked to our five senses, as well as the interpretation we attach to each of them.

In NLP we call this process our Internal Representational System.

It describes how the information we take in is filtered; meaning it’s deleted, distorted and generalized based on our beliefs, experiences and general memory. This explains how often times two friends that have been at the same occasion can have totally different memories of it.

Both correct, and both very much an individuals experience of the event, as seen and processed through their internal rep system. Remember, we do this all the time and so does everyone else.

Filtering

Understanding how and why we do what we do by filtering through our internal representation of the world gives us a couple of very important pieces of information:

What we see is not necessarily how it is, but rather how it appears based on what filters we’ve put it though. The map is not the territory. This is a very famous NLP phrase, which in essence supports even further the first point.

Coming back to your quest to express yourself in a better way, and the first module’s focus on win-win, how can the above help you? Answer the following questions and see how greater you can now bring this all into focus:

  1. What does expressing yourself mean to you? Write down at least 5 examples, explaining in detail using your senses (sight, touch, etc).
  2. How you would know you’ve achieved success?
  3. Thinking about the answers you got from the previous module when you asked people to give feedback, how close would you say you were to being where you want to be we regards self expression?
  4. Knowing what you now know; that what you see is not necessarily the whole picture, begin to come up with alternative ways you could get better results.
    Again, we’re talking win-win, however now you almost have a better set of lenses to view the whole situation with, including your life, so begin to notice what you might have overlooked before and as always write down the results.

Part Three

Courage to be open

John was irritated that his wife often seemed so busy and preoccupied when he got home from work. She seemed to barely acknowledge him, often just thrusting the baby at him or asking for some errand to be done. He was getting really resentful.

So he said, “Sweetheart, I would just love it if you dropped whatever you’re doing for sixty seconds when I get home from work, give me a kiss and let me hug you and look into your eyes! Can we start tomorrow?”

Of course, you may also find out that someone absolutely does not want to meet your needs. It takes courage to be open and vulnerable, to admit that you actually need something from someone. You risk rejection and refusal.

Selma, another ex-client, discovered this, when she asked her live-in partner George to show her more love and appreciation.

She was specific.

She mentioned backrubs, love notes, being thanked for the meals she cooked and fixing him interesting packed lunches. She also suggested a more equitable sharing of domestic chores, since they both worked.

However, George saw no need whatsoever to change his behaviour and he made that very clear.

Ultimately, Selma’s choice was to end the relationship after a few months of trying to influence him and sell him on the benefits to their relationship. She realised she did not want to be the one doing all the giving in her intimate relationship.

Part Four

Setting up the basic conditions

You can use the same principles in your workplace as well as in your personal life. We all work better when our unique “basic conditions” are met. The action points will help you work out what yours are.

Ideally, ask at least three different people to meet a specific need in different ways.

The point is to have more than enough. You can also meet some of your needs yourself – this is often something we overlook in our attempts to get others to meet our needs.

For example, if you have a need for structure, set up a family calendar in the kitchen, a messaging system, plan out your major personal and work-related events a year ahead, etc. If you have a need for regular alone time or feeling pampered, schedule massages, meditation, solitary walks or stargazing, and so on.

Establishing the boundaries

Life often makes us deal with things. If we don’t, we get negative and resentful. Do you know people who say, “I never argue… I simply walk away or just agree with the other person”?

Now, there may be times when this is the wisest approach. However, if we make it a habit, we’re increasingly becoming less honest with ourselves.

Do you know people who are so argumentative it’s tiring just to be around them? Win-win does not mean being passive nor does it mean being aggressive, it does mean “being real” and attentive to what you need to do to gain respect whilst also hearing the real message being spelt out by the other person.

Here’s an example: You’ve planned a weekend trip and you want to leave work at 4 pm this Friday. However, your boss, Jill, is a stickler and you know she’ll object, wanting you to stay until 5.30pm as usual. How can you approach this tactfully?

Part Five

Don’t Assume

First, don’t assume anything; approach your own Jill with intentions for what would be a successful outcome planned and rehearsed before you knock on her door.

Show by what you say that you’ve thought through the consequences; “Jill, I’d like to leave work at 4 pm this Friday if it’s ok with you. I’ll have the ABC proposal ready, and collect everything I need to prepare the DEF tender first thing Monday. I’ll ask Steve to cover my phone. I plan to be in early on Monday. Is there anything else I might have overlooked?”

Jill might still object on principle, even though you’ve shown that the tasks will not suffer. However, the art of win-win is to negotiate, to compromise with integrity, to state your case with conviction and grace. Ultimately, you also have to decide where to draw the line.

What’s your cut-off point? Are you willing to accept the greater good of the company in this case? Or would you walk away and look for a different job if Jill persistently refused reasonable requests based along your win-win strategy and you’re not only getting the job done, but getting it done well?

Understanding Jill’s view of the world would give you a greater resource, one that could deepen your working relationship and also increase your chances of getting agreement to leaving work early! It would also award her and ultimately yourself the significance you both expect and need.

Knowing where and becoming aware of where your boundaries are, and which of them are currently being met takes a little practice, and the action points below will help with this.

Action!

Actions of the Week

1. What do you need?

What do you need at work to perform at your best? Write down your answers. E.g.: positive feedback, meetings that begin and end on time, protected time each week for reading and drafting, efficient admin services, deadlines respected, a shared diary system, flexi time, further training, etc.

2. Be effective

Now, decide the most effective way in which you could ask for it. Is it best raised at a team meeting, at your appraisal, with your boss in a “corridor chat,” by memo or email, or some other way?

Decide the most suitable strategy for each “want,” and then take the plunge and ASK! Remember to keep it gracious and positive, never whiny. Elicit a clear answer with a clear time frame attached.

3. Other areas

Similarly, what do you need at home and in your personal life? Write down what your broad headings are. Note: these are not your “bottom lines,” rather your “shiny new must haves.”

These might include more appreciation, shared childcare, a regular evening out with your friends, a clean home, dating interesting and attractive people who make you feel special, a romantic weekend away more often, getting that extension built, etc.

4. Who do you need to ask?

Now decide whom you need to ask so that you have a working system in place. Remember to ask several people so as not to hinge success only on one person.

5. Be gracious

Remember to thank people, give only positive feedback and show appreciation yourself – remember the art of win-win is two way, and apart from being a nice thing to do, it also ensures you continue to get more of the same!

PS!

Don’t worry if you feel embarrassed or uncomfortable as you set about asking. In fact, congratulations – this means you’ve successfully identified a real need as opposed to a pretend one.

The results of having your real needs met will be all the more powerful for it.

In the next module you’ll discover how to make your words really count and to speak with consciousness and purpose. Now, go and lay the foundations in your life to getting what you want by taking action on meeting your needs. Enjoy the feeling of increased power and fulfilment that this is going to bring you. Go on, Express Yourself!