Dating Confidence for Women
Module 6: GO FOR IT!

Where to meet your ideal man

Fire up your imagination and take a look at all of the options of where you could meet this man. Think about where men go and what they do for example, they often attend gyms, play golf, tennis, squash, go to DIY stores at the weekend, car shows, computer shows, boat shows etc. Are there any bars locally where men meet up after work?

List as many options as you can think of – at this stage this is only a list of where you could go or what you could do to meet him – not necessarily what you will do.

Sometimes practical considerations can affect your dating confidence. For instance: affording a series of expensive dinner party dates or the cost of, or finding, a babysitter.

Are there any practical considerations that are likely to affect your choice of dating options? If so, list them.  Now ask, ‘what can you do about them?’ What other options can you try?

Don’t allow your dating confidence to be knocked by the seeming expense of it all. There are plenty of low cost options for meeting men. If this is a concern for you, then make sure that your list contains as many options as possible in the low cost bracket, such as coffee bars in book stores, further education courses, volunteer groups, charities and so on. Investigate three of your options.

Go on a fact-finding mission

One option you might be considering is dating agencies. Some can be expensive, although if they attract the type of relationships and men that you are after then this might be a worthwhile investment.  Finding out how much various dating agencies charge, what you get for your money and what type of clientele they attract is a good start. Talking to them to find out information doesn’t usually cost anything.

Check out the internet dating options. Lots of companies now allow you to post your details and search for free. For those of you who don’t have much time to meet men, then finding men through internet dating means that you can fit it in to your own schedule.

If you are interested in sport then visit your local badminton or tennis club to see if this could be an option for you. Take a look at your local Salsa evening. If you don’t fancy going on your own, then take a girlfriend along.

Whatever you choose to do, remember, this is only a fact-finding mission, you can check it out before you decide that this might be a possibility.  Looking at it as a fact-finding mission is often less daunting than the real thing and by the time you’ve decided that you do want to join then at least you’ll know what to expect. And, if you know what to expect, then this will have a positive effect on your dating confidence!

What are your expectations?

Finally, one of the things that will help your long term dating confidence is to learn to go with the flow. Don’t focus all your energies on the outcome, but enjoy the journey. Ask yourself before each time you go out: What are my expectations?

Do you have the expectation that, ‘tonight, I’m going to meet the man of my dreams’ each time you go out? If you do, you could be setting yourself up for disappointment. Expecting to meet a man puts unnecessary pressure on both you and anyone you happen to meet.

How different would it be if you were to go out for the evening thinking ‘I’m open to meeting some nice people this evening and whatever happens I am going to have a good time’?

If your focus is on enjoying the evening and not on ‘meeting Mr Right’ then you’ll find your confidence levels will be a lot higher because the pressure’s off.

Dos and Don’ts For Successful Dating

DO ask for invites

Let people know that you are interested in meeting men. Ask to be kept in mind when it comes to parties, barbecues and social evenings. Very often married friends can forget to include you in their social events, so remind them that you are wanting to meet some men and ask for their help in introducing you to potential dates. Remember, if you don’t ask, you don’t get!

DO use open questions

What do I mean by this? Well, asking questions that encourage people to open up and that can be answered by more than just yes, no, or simply in two words.

These are examples of closed questions meaning they don’t encourage the conversation to continue beyond a yes /no response:

Have you been here before? Do you like Chinese food? Have you seen the film Lantana? Do you enjoy football?

You can of course use these types of questions to find out specific information but when you’re trying to keep a conversation going or wanting a man to open up a little then open questions are far more effective, for exmaple:

Which coffee bars / restaurants / do you like? What type of food / films do you enjoy? What do you like to do on a weekend?

If you know that your conversation skills could do with improving then try practising the use of open questions with your friends and family until you become comfortable with the process.

DO be 100% present

What does this mean? Well, really listen to your date, try not to interrupt and engage in as much eye contact with him as possible.

DO remain open and confident

Appearing closed, unconfident or guarded by crossing your arms – try instead to adopt an open body posture and if you want to maintain or improve your rapport, then lean towards your date.

DO turn off your mobile phone

Unless you need to have it on for emergencies or are expecting an important call – in which case you can explain this beforehand to your date, it’s polite to turn it off. The message this conveys is that ‘this date is important to me and I want to give you my full attention’.

DO meet in a safe place

Arrange to meet for the first time in a public place that you are familiar with.  It’s important for your dating confidence that you feel as comfortable as possible with your venue, so if necessary check it out beforehand. How do you feel about the place? Is the music too loud? Will you be able to hear yourselves talk? Do you know where the ladies toilets are? Knowing what the venue is like can go some way to reducing any dating nerves.

DO give yourself permission to say ‘No’ and don’t get dispirited

If you do not want to see the man again, don’t feel guilty – you have every right to say ‘no’. If someone takes it badly – remember, you are not responsible for another’s response.

If you are not able to say ‘no’ on the actual date and you have his email address, then this is a good medium – text messaging is not. Sending an email allows you to say exactly what you want and not invite a reply.

If he was a nice guy but not your type and you feel a bit guilty, then why not after you’ve explained that you don’t want to see him again, reassure him of his good qualities, adding that you are sure he’ll find a lovely lady / gorgeous woman soon. You’ll feel better having softened the blow and he’ll find the rejection easier to take if it comes with some compliments and positives thoughts for the future.

If you are on the receiving end of rejection, don’t get dispirited. Accept that you simply weren’t ‘his type’ and move on. Everyone has a right to choose and if you know what you want, it’s far better to be honest when you don’t find that, than to lead the person on or hope that they will ‘turn into’ what you’re wanting. So, if you are turned down for further dates, be grateful that this man is being honest and move on to find someone who is attracted to you.

DO let him know you’re interested

If you do want to see him again, don’t rely on all the hints you’ve dropped or body language to convey your interest, be direct. Men are sometimes afraid of asking you out for fear of rejection, so you could let them know by saying something like “I really enjoyed talking to you and I’d love to meet up with you again”.

DON’T go man hunting with a large group.

If you really want to meet a man, then don’t go out with a large crowd of women! It’s much more daunting for a guy to approach a large group of women than it is to approach two or three. If you do go out in a small group and a man does come over to chat one of you up, have an arrangement so that the others make a discreet exit to the loo.

DON’T make the first date a dinner date

The thought of spending several hours over dinner with a stranger can be a bit daunting to some people. It’s much easier to cope with a light lunch date or meeting for a coffee, then if you don’t get on with your date, at least you haven’t got to sit through several courses!

Your dating confidence is also likely to be much higher if you know that you’ve only got to make conversation for a short period. However if keeping the conversation going is concerning you then the next tip will help.

DON’T talk your date to death!

Remember, you don’t have to talk for both of you or fill in the gaps – use your questioning techniques to encourage your date to talk.

DON’T buy a new outfit especially for a first date.

It’s important to feel comfortable on your date and you’ll probably feel a lot more relaxed in something that you’ve already worn. If you have bought something new, then give the outfit a trial run first.

DON’T be too heavy

Steer clear of talking about the following subjects (until you get to know the person): your ex or past relationship failures, religion, politics, death or anything else that’s ‘heavy’.

DON’T put yourself down

Even if it is in jest. Making any negative comments about yourself – especially if you’re doing it to get them to respond in order to bolster your confidence is likely to have the opposite effect. The more positive you are about yourself, the more confident you will appear to your date.

Actions of the Week

It’s now time to spread your wings and fly. But before you do, just remind yourself of what you have learnt over the past six weeks and what you will put into practise:

• List 10 things you will take away from this course
• What will you do differently as a result?
• From your list of dating options, which one seemed most suitable?
• What is the very next step you need to take?

Congratulations! Over the past six weeks you’ve raised your awareness of some of the factors involved in building your dating confidence and now you can do something about making the changes you want. Good luck!