Indestructible Self-Belief
Module 1: Do You Believe in You?

J-Lo

For a similar example of self-assurance in action, I give you Jennifer Lopez, often dubbed the World’s Sexiest Woman.

Yes, she’s attractive, but so are thousands of other movie and pop wannabes, and she’s in no doubt as to what gives her such extreme allure.

‘Being sexy comes from being confident,’ she says. ‘People who are OK with themselves are the sexiest.’

So rather than despairing that you don’t have JLo’s curves, love the body you have. (And if you don’t love the way you look right now, then do something about it!)

But most importantly, focus on what’s great about you. It could be your fabulous sense of humour, your generous heart, your fearlessness, or your ability make others feel at ease.

Whatever it is, that’s the real secret of being attractive to others. Being happy with yourself brings a self assurance that is compelling and charismatic.

REAL Confidence

Think of it this way: Life is a confidence trick. With enough confidence, you can get away with anything. Real confidence is the unshakable conviction that the world is unfolding to your advantage and that you can handle anything life throws at you, that you’ll always find a way through, because there’s always a way – and you’ll find it. It’s a blend of optimism, charm and energy.

Sometimes it’s sheer chutzpah and downright bluff as you talk yourself up, psyche yourself up and push yourself out of the door to convince others of your worth and abilities, knowing that the more convinced you are, the more they will be.

And it’s something worth striving for, because trying to get through life without confidence is a whole lot harder than it is with confidence.

We all gravitate towards confident, self-assured individuals. They’re magnetic, more energetic, more uplifting, more optimistic. That feeling rubs off on those around them and you leave them feeling boosted by their brightness and outlook.

It’s no wonder that they tend to attract more opportunities and good fortune than the average person. These are the people envied for their ‘charmed lives’.

Don’t belittle yourself

Obvious really, so why would anyone want to make life harder for themselves? You’d be surprised. It might not be intentional, but constant self-criticism can actually turn you into the kind of person you’re desperate not to be.

So be aware of the relationship between your thoughts and how you behave. If you constantly belittle yourself, or tell yourself you’re not good enough, you’ll start behaving in a way that reinforces that thought pattern. But if you tell yourself you are talented and special, you’ll behave in a way that fulfils this belief.

There’s always another level

However tough and resilient you think you are right now, there’s always another level to take yourself to.

Indestructible self-belief means that whatever happens you have the internal resources to recover fast and fully. You’re tough, supple and agile. You’re indomitable, irrepressible. You could never be defeated, whatever happened.

The bigger the challenge, the setback or letdown, the more you pull out of yourself. A crisis never leaves you where it finds you because you’re sharper and taller afterwards. You’re awesome, indestructible.

I came across a fabulous example of this type of indestructible self-belief recently in a talk given in 1998 by Bill Gates, the billionaire owner of Microsoft.

Start again

He was talking to a group of business students and was asked by one of them what he would do if he lost everything, his wealth, his business, everything. He paused for a moment and said, ‘starting another company like that again, I’d have a bash at doing it.’

This is the answer of someone with no fear and phenomenal self-assurance. This is precisely the sort of feeling that you want to have within yourself. In my experience, it’s incredibly rare as the average person is plagued by self-doubt and insecurity.

Decide right now to engender this same demeanour of a Bill Gates rather than fall in with the norm.

Prize yourself

You may not the name of Vira Hladun-Goldmann. But she made history in 1998 when she won America’s largest divorce settlement – a cool $44 million.

After 33 years by her husband’s side, helping, advising and supporting him as he built up his banking career, she felt it was her due. ‘I would have been well off if I’d accepted a quarter or a tenth of the money, but it’s not in my nature to do that,’ she said. ‘To me, marriage meant partnership and I was entitled to half. And no one was going to take it away from me.’

Now there’s a lady with a sense of self- belief that’s as big as her bank balance!

Freshen up

Look around you. You’ll see two types of people. One has a defeated look. Life has taken its toll and they’ve sunk under the weight of it all. It shows in their faces.

The other type is the undefeated. They look fresh. They’ve kept themselves light. They’ve had their fair share of challenges. But it’s their handling of themselves and their challenges that’s made the difference.

They haven’t allowed themselves to be ground down, worn out. They’re refused to resign or give up. They’ve never given up – on themselves.

I saw this at a young age growing up in Northern Ireland. As a Daddy’s girl I spent vast amounts of time with my Dad and he just happened to be a self-improvement fanatic. We were full-time people-watchers and nothing gave me more fun than driving around County Armagh on summer evenings picking up hitch-hikers.

These unsuspecting travellers would be my ‘client’ for the duration of the journey as I delicately questioned  them about their lives, their perspective and feelings about everything that had ever happened to them and their expectations about the future.

Resilience

What I heard and saw then was that those individuals with healthy self-belief were more resilient and able to bounce back from life’s inevitable challenges, while those without it, sank under the weight of it all, looking burdened and ground down.

This is true today, more than 25 years later. All of our outlook and interpretation of everything that happens to us is down to us. Life is a spin. I don’t mean that to sound superficial, but it’s our interpretation of life and all that happens that gives it it’s meaning.

The Brazilian writer Paolo Coelho, author of the bestselling work The Alchemist, was imprisoned and tortured for his political beliefs but, rather than feeling bitter, he believes his experiences have helped him appreciate the moment. ‘It’s a matter of attitude,’ he says.

‘Of believing that every day contains our past and future lives. So we must relax, and enjoy and respect every day. If I had to have an epitaph it would be: “he died alive”, because there are people who appear to have died much earlier than their actual death.’

Coelho’s perspective has been shaped by events which few of us can imagine. An angry young radical, he was a popular spokesmen against the military dictatorship in his country, until one night he was ambushed by three men with guns as he walked home with his wife. ‘They threw me onto the grass. Someone cocked a gun and I was sure he was going to shoot. I looked at this beautiful sky full of stars and I thought: ‘I am going to die at 26. I didn’t live my life.”’

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Lasting impact

His life was spared, but the experience left a lasting impact. ‘Since then, I have never felt in total control of my life. And I’m glad, it was a most important lesson,’ he says. ‘You don’t control anything. You can be the most successful author, and then you cross the street and you’re dead.’

‘Tragedy can wait for you around any corner. So now I take every day as a miracle. Carpe diem, seize the day, because nothing can guarantee you are going to see another sunrise. Only when I understood that did I find the strength to move on.’

This is the type of resilience that I have in mind for you. Don’t worry if you think you’ve become a little defeated yourself. As long as you’re willing, we can handle that.

You can freshen up in no time. And, even if you already see yourself as an Indestructible Self- Believer (ISBer), you’ll want to run a check to ensure you’re firing on all cylinders.

Get Clear

Right now, I want you to get absolutely clear what your current level of self-belief is. Ask yourself whether there’s a figure that springs to mind, a percentage between 0% and 100% that sums up your general feeling of self-belief.

Don’t worry if a figure doesn’t immediately occur to you. What I want you to do now is identify that level in the principal areas of your life. One could be your professional life and career, others could be your personal life, your social groups or relationships.

Don’t linger over this. Just go with the figure that immediately comes to mind. It might be surprising to notice that you have high self-belief in one area but much less in another. No matter. It’s all going to increase from now on anyway.

Actions of the Week

1. Buy a new notebook

Carry it with you at all times so you can jot down observations and insights.

2. Choose an area of your life that you want to focus on to increase your self-belief

Be absolutely clear what your current level is. Write this down at the back of your notebook with today’s date next to it.

3.  Write down this heading:

“What this lack of self-belief has cost me is..” and then list as many examples as you can think of.

It’s vital that you grasp the damage that  low self-belief has done so far. Keep this line of enquiry open for the rest of the week and add to it as things occur to you. Now write down another heading, “The difference it would make to my life if I doubled my self-belief would be…”

This is where the fun starts! Allow yourself to begin to get excited at the prospect of leaving behind some out-of-date thinking about yourself and shedding a few self-imposed limitations.

4. Live one day at a time as if you really did have double the amount of self-belief

Every morning put on the mantle, the demeanour of someone with double of amount of Self-belief in that aspect of your life.

What would change? Looking at you, how would I know you’d just doubled your quota, your level? Would you appear more relaxed, approachable? friendly, confident, happy?

Make a list and do a few things that you might not have done previously. Have fun with this. It’s not hard work!

5. Study other ISBers

In public life, there are the obvious ones – Madonna, whose mother died of breast cancer when she was just five, but who has never seen herself as a victim.

With willpower and talent she turned herself into the biggest star on the planet. Or Susan Boyle, who spent years caring for her parents but never stopped believing that she had the talent to be a big star.

Great! You’re on your way. This is an excellent start and next week we’re going to look closely at how you see yourself. What’s your take on you? How do you rate your potential?

We’ll work to ensure that you have the highest possible regard for yourself. Until then, have a fabulous week.