Dating Confidence for Women
Module 4: Delevoping Dating Confidence

Unload your emotional backpack

In order to find out what you want to dump, first you need to become aware of what you are carrying from previous relationships. I want you now to take a look at what’s in your emotional backpack from past relationships.

Step 1

List all the items or qualities you feel you are carrying from previous relationships, both negative and positive. These could include anxiety about a partner committing to you or the ability to be tolerant.

Step 2

Ask yourself where this quality came from. The ability to be tolerant may have come from a relationship where your partner lived with his mother, or the anxiety about a partner committing to you stemmed from your previous relationship with X .

Step 3

If this is a positive quality, ask yourself why this is important to you and decide whether you want to keep it and/or work on it. If it’s a negative quality, is it something that you would like to work on and try and improve, or is it something that you’d like to dump?

Step 4

Make a list of all the qualities that you would like to dump before you start a new relationship. When you have written your list read through each point and acknowledge it.

For what purpose are you holding onto it?
How does it serve you?
What impact would it have on your life if you let it go?

Go through the list again and think about a positive quality you can replace each of your negative ones with. Then, think about the positive impact this will have on your future relationships. Replace each negative quality on your list with a positive one that you would like to adopt and for each positive one you commit to adopting, reinforce the desire to do so by visualising the benefits it will have on your new relationships. Don’t worry if this takes some time, after all you have probably carried this unnecessary and heavy baggage around for quite some time, but, if you keep reminding yourself of the fact that these old beliefs aren’t helping you and how the new ones can change your life, you WILL let go of them and move forward with a fabulous positive dating mindset!

Step 5

List all the positive qualities that you will bring to a future relationship

When you’ve decided what you want to dump and what you want to work on and keep, ask yourself whether there are any qualities you would like to develop. Make a list of these and beside each an action point that you will take to develop this quality.

Take a look and see if adaptability is mentioned among the qualities you want to develop or keep. If it isn’t, add it to the list. The ability to adapt the way you approach different relationships and work with your chosen partner to create the relationship that you want is a key skill.

If this is something you’ve not considered, ask yourself:

• How will knowing that I’m adaptable increase my dating confidence?
• How can I develop my adaptability?

Boost your self esteem

Probably one of the most important and essential qualities to have in terms of dating confidence is feeling good about yourself and having a high level of self-esteem.

If you have an expectation that a relationship will make you feel better about yourself then you could be in for a big disappointment.

Quite often, we do feel more confident and our self-esteem is higher when we meet someone. But having the expectation that this will happen and relying on someone to boost your self-esteem is a recipe for disaster.

For dating confidence you need to develop a strong sense of your own self-worth. If you are not looking for those needs to be met by your man the whole time then it’s easier for the relationship to develop in a more natural, relaxed way.

For dating confidence you need to develop a strong sense of your own self-worth. If you’re not looking for those needs to be met by your partner the whole time it will be a lot easier for a healthy strong relationship to develop. Remember you are ultimately responsible for your own happiness, so focus on that rather than expecting someone else – especially your mate – to provide it for you.

Make a list of everything that you think is really great or even just pretty good about yourself – physical appearance, character, personality traits, decisiveness, sense of humour, achievements.

How dateable are you?

Be honest with yourself, when you answer the question as to why you expect someone to want to date you. Do you find yourself fascinating, interesting, bright, good company?

In week 3 we talked about changing your beliefs about yourself but you may also need to back this up by taking some action.

If you think that you’re not very interesting or intelligent or attractive or good company – what can you do to alter this?  Do you need to take some courses, read a few historical biographies, listen to some current affairs programmes, take some advice on your image?

Jot down your ideas, decide which will have the most impact and start taking some action!

What do you need?

Just as expecing a partner to bolster your self esteem is unrealistic, so is expecting them to fulfill all of your needs. No one person can do this and it’s a heavy burden to place on any relationship.

We all have basic needs, many of which can be fulfilled by a variety of different sources. However, when it comes to relationships, there are certain needs specific to this important area of our lives that only your ‘significant other’ can fulfil. These are the type of needs that, if a man fails to meet, then you would not be happy.

Basic needs

Although men and women are different in so many ways, we still share some basic needs when it comes to a relationship. Trust, respect and like are so important that without these, a relationship simply won’t work.

Trust is a two-way street and each person has to be trusted and trustworthy, because you can’t possibly expect to be happy with a man you don’t trust and vice versa.

Respect is something that if you lose or never have for your partner, your relationship won’t last.

For a relationship to succeed, you have to really enjoy being with this person, so liking your date is essential. I know that sounds obvious, but you’d be amazed at how many people date partners and find after the chemistry has worn off they don’t actually like this person.

Getting your needs met

It’s one thing recognising your needs in a relationship, but quite another getting these needs met. You have a responsibility for this and, it’s not all down to the other person. So, if you’ve expected a partner to meet all your needs in the past and then blamed them for the fact that they weren’t being met, think about the part you can play in your relationship. Relationships need commitment from both partners and should never be all about one person giving and the other sitting back and taking.

This isn’t about being selfish, it’s about acknowledging that both parties in a relationship have needs that are of equal importance. So just as you don’t want to just think about your own needs make sure you don’t go the other way and think about only your partner’s needs whilst neglecting your own. Balance is key!

Before you get to the exciting dating stage, getting clear about what your relationship needs and recognising that getting them met is as important as fulfilling your partner’s, is, a big step on the road to dating confidence. So, what does your partner need?…………………..

What a man needs

For a successful relationship the needs of both partners have to be fulfilled, but what are a man’s needs in a relationship? Although every man is unique and therefore the way in which their needs can be met will vary with each individual, there are some key needs that most men share:

To feel ok just the way they are

Knowing you like them for who they are is important to a man. No-one wants to feel that you want to change or control them.

To be admired and respected

Your partner will want to feel that you are proud of them. Show them you value them and acknowledge them for their successes however small and you’ll reap the rewards!

To feel appreciated

Make him feel appreciated and never taken for granted. Don’t forget to thank him!

To be believed and trusted

Show your partner that you believe and trust in his ability to make the right decisions and do the right thing. Men need to know they can trust you and share their fears, secrets and insecurities. YES, they have fears and insecurities just like us!

Actions of the Week

1. Check yourself out!

Make a list of everything that you think is really great or even just pretty good about yourself – physical appearance, character, personality traits, decisiveness, sense of humour, achievements

What can you do to ensure that you continue to build your own self-worth?

2.What do you need?

List your top ten needs that you must have in a relationship.  Ask yourself for each one, how important is it that this need is met (on a scale of 1-5, where 1= not important 5 = extremely important)

For the needs that are extremely important, ask yourself, what can I do to ensure that this need is met?

Knowing that you have the ability to get your needs met can make a big difference to your dating confidence. At the end of the day, what you are saying is, ‘I’m important, and some of my needs are so important that if someone is unable to meet them, then this is probably not the right relationship for me’.

We’ve covered a lot of ground this week, but do all the actions so that by next week you’ll be even closer to dating with confidence!