Relationship Recovery
Module 1: Dealing With Reality

This six-module course is designed to help you get the relationship you deserve – whether you are looking for a partner or soulmate, want to get back into the dating scene after a relationship break up, or simply haven’t dated for a while and want to get out there and have some fun!

Recommendation

While all the material in this course is available to you right now, I strongly suggest that you complete each of the modules in order.

Each module includes a number of exercises (”Actions of the week”) that require you to do some work! You will get most benefit from the course by taking your time and completing all the exercises before moving forward to the next module.

Part One

Welcome to Relationship Recovery.  I hope that this course will help you to recover from the break-up of a relationship and to emerge the other end a stronger person who looks forward to and embraces the future.

Recovery is a step-by-step process; there are no instant fixes. However, there is a lot that you can do to help yourself to recover and that is what we are going to be working through over the next six lessons.

The first step to any recovery is to deal with the reality of the situation. So, in this module we’re going to take a look at exactly what you need to accept.

Where Are You?

Grieving is a natural process by which we gradually let go of our attachment to people, places or things that we’ve lost. In the initial stages of grief, it’s common to go through a period of denial (although this can crop up at any time during a period of recovery).

You may think that what’s happening to you is a bad dream that you’ll wake up from, or have moments when you fantasise that your ex will walk through the door at any moment and beg your forgiveness.

Just as falling in love alters our perspective on reality, a similar process happens when love ends and we can lose touch with reality. If this is happening to you, then you are not alone.

However, recovery cannot begin until you take off the blinkers and accept the situation.  Check in with yourself right now and ask yourself:

‘What am I denying?’  e.g. I am denying that we are no longer together in a relationship.

Just acknowledging the very things you are denying can help bring reality to the situation.

Part Two

Look After Yourself

Accept that you are in a period of recovery and an essential part of this recovery is caring for yourself.  If you have recently broken up with your partner, then you may well be experiencing shock and treating this shock is an important step in helping your heart to mend.

Imagine what you would do for a very special friend who had just had a car crash or major surgery. Would you ensure that they got plenty of rest? Feed them delicious food? Buy them flowers, books or a video that would cheer them up?

Treat yourself as you would that very special friend.  Recovery from break up needs that same kind of nurturing. Be kind to yourself. Do things that make you feel better like going for a walk along the beach or in the countryside or treating yourself to a wonderful aromatherapy massage.

Acts of kindness and caring remind you that you are special.  How you choose to treat yourself during this period can help or hinder your recovery, so choose wisely!

Ask For What You Need

Keeping your pain over the break-up a secret will not help in the long run, so do find someone to confide in, no matter how difficult this is for you.  If you need help, summon up the courage and ask for it. Pick up the phone and call someone. Help is always available – the important thing is to ask for it.  Take a few moments now and identify your sources of help:

These may include:

  • Friends
  • Family
  • Your GP
  • Homeopath
  • Coach
  • Counsellor
  • Local priest / vicar
  • The Samaritans
  • Internet support groups

The break-up of a relationship can be a time of great loneliness and isolation, so create your own support group from the list you’ve just made.

This will help if you are worried about burdening certain friends or family. It also can help you to obtain a wider perspective on your situation.

Accepting Support From Others

When we open up and share our pain – it seems to lessen and ceases to have such a powerful effect upon us.  So don’t keep your pain to yourself, the more you talk, the more quickly you’ll recover.

Friends are invaluable at times of break-up so accept any help that is offered to you.  Most people are more than willing to listen to you if they know you are going through a difficult time. Many people find that it’s during challenging times that they make new friends or forge deeper friendships.

Take time now to have a think about those people in your life regardless of where they live who are on your side, who like or love you and want to help you.

Distance is no longer an issue with cheap phone calls, so who do you know that you can share your sorrow with? If you are concerned with burdening people, make a list of possible people you can contact.  If there is any resistance, to contacting friends, just ask yourself: Would I be a listening ear for this person if they were in my shoes? If the answer is yes, then allow that person to do the same for you.

Part Three

Accepting your losses

Accepting the reality of the situation is one of the keys to moving on. I know that you are ready to make that step because you have indicated your desire to recover from your relationship by choosing this course.

One of the key steps to recovery is to accept your losses.  In order to accept our losses, we need to identify exactly what they are. So, start by asking yourself:

What exactly have I lost?

The most important thing that may spring to mind is the loss of someone that you loved. But there are many other losses that may be part of your relationship such as:

  • loss of a home
  • loss of income
  • lifestyle
  • loss of being a couple
  • loss of friends

Spend a few quiet moments now jotting down all the things that you feel that you have lost.

Part Four

It Takes Two To Tango

One of the hardest things to accept when a relationship breaks up is that either you or the person you love does not feel the same way any more.  The reality of the situation is that however much we love or loved the other person, each of us is in charge of our own feelings.  If this were not true then it would be easy for your ex to press a button, make you feel good and then announce that they were off!  We can’t make another person love us if that’s not what they feel.

Part of the pain from heartbreak comes from still feeling in love with how your ex used to be or rather the memories of how your ex used to be.

Rachel’s story

One of my clients, (we’ll call her Rachel), came to me because she felt she wanted help in getting over the break-up of a relationship. She was having problems in accepting that the relationship was over despite the fact that her boyfriend had moved out and had cut off all contact with her.

It turned out that since the break-up Rachel had been focusing on what was good about their relationship. All her thoughts were either memories of all the good times or hopes about the future including him turning up with a bunch of flowers and begging forgiveness.

Rachel’s feelings of heartbreak were being exacerbated by her being ‘in love’ with how her ex used to be. I decided to check out the reality of their relationship. We began to focus on some of the negative aspects of this relationship for example: what she didn’t like about how her ex treated her, what annoyed her about him etc.

She noticed that by changing her focus from the things she loved to the things that were less than ideal about their relationship that her feelings changed.  Focusing on all the good times they shared had been having the effect of keeping her stuck in her feelings of pain and loss.

Part Five

Identify What Was Not Good

Focusing on the negative parts of your relationship can have a positive outcome when it comes to relationship recovery. It helps to focus on what you want to move away from.

Take some time now and be really honest with yourself. Think back to some of the not so good times with your ex. Don’t make the excuse that these did not exist. No relationship is perfect!

Think over these, how do you wish your relationship could have been different?

I wish my my ex would have:

  • been more appreciative
  • been more loving
  • been more attentive in bed
  • done their fair share of household tasks
  • been honest with me
  • accepted me for who I am

Add your own to the above list. As soon as you start thinking what your ex did or didn’t do, you help to flip the switch from pining for what you have lost to realising that this relationship was not all it was cracked it up to be.

One of the most helpful things that I have found during times of relationship break-up is to answer the following questions. Read through these and answer whichever is appropriate to you:

  • Why would I want to be with someone who does not love me?
  • Why would I want to be with someone who is not able to love me in the way that I want to be loved?
  • Why would I want to be with someone who does not treat with me respect?
  • Why would I want to be with someone who does not treat me with kindness?

Add your own questions that are relevant to your situation.  Be honest with yourself.

Why would you want to be with someone like that?

Accepting What Is

Until you can accept the relationship is over, then your recovery will be impeded. If you are struggling with accepting this, ask yourself: What is getting in the way of me accepting that the relationship is over?  And, what do I need to do to tackle this?

It is essential that before you go on to the next stage of this course that you have come to accept that the relationship is over.

To help with this, take a few moments to sit quietly and write down:

I am now ready to accept that this relationship is over.

Repeat this sentence out loud to yourself.  Repeat as many times as is necessary for you to accept and believe this.

Action!

Actions of the Week

List all the reasons why you want to recover from this relationship.

e.g. I want to feel happy again or I hate feeling the way I do.

It doesn’t matter if your reasons are written in the positive or negative as either can act as a powerful motivator to move yourself forward. After all, why wouldn’t you want to stop feeling the way you feel at the moment?

Finally, congratulate yourself for having started this course. Recovering from a relationship break-up is difficult but not impossible, even though recovery might seem like along way off to you at the moment. Eventually broken hearts do mend and yours will too, the time that this takes is down to you.

In the next lesson we’ll be taking a look at an important step along the road to recovery – letting go.