The Power of Believing In You

I met Sarah a month ago; we have coached three times so far. Sarah has worked as a counsellor for 15 years and seriously needs a change, a new challenge – and even more than that, she needs to believe that she can indeed do it! Coaching has been her wake up call.

I’ll let her explain:

Sarah’s story

“I’ve felt this moment coming for so long, but instinctively put my sensible head on and coped with it. Except that the feeling, a nagging sense of dread and doubt, just wouldn’t go away, and the more I told myself to snap out of it the stronger it became. The truth is, I’m so bored and detached with my life, and no matter what else I’ve tried, have felt unmoved and depressed by lack of results.

“It wasn’t until I found myself at marriage guidance counselling with David, my husband of 15 years, whom I adore, that I realised I needed to face up to my life and look at it square in the eye. I was petrified!

“The first week I met Mike over a cappuccino and a note pad I had a complete blank. I just didn’t know where to begin, and more than that, if I’m honest, didn’t know whether this was also a big waste of time. Professionally, I’m a pillar. Socially and at home I’m ‘Sarah, oh she can cope with anything.’ I wish I could.

What do you want?

“Even more than that, I wish I could handle contemplating walking away from my present job and re-arranging my whole life. Mike calls it my ‘life MOT.’ He asked me on our first session what I’d really like to do with my life, and I know it sounds silly, but I really don’t know. It’s been so long since anyone asked me that, I can’t actually remember anymore.

“Mike has been wonderful; supportive, understanding, strong and demanding in equal measure, oh and very funny – he really is quite the entertainer! I come away from each session feeling as if a great weight has been lifted. I’m feeling more motivated these past few weeks in a way I haven’t felt, possibly since teenage years. I’m officially discovering life ‘as if for the first time,’ that ‘failure is no longer an option,’ and I’m playing ‘as if’ I already knew all the answers – which of course Mike believes I do.

“We’ve been looking at my self talk, or to be more exact my negative self beliefs. Making a decision to ‘cut the crap,’ i.e. to stop all depreciating or self critical comments I either say or think about myself has become my new life mission of the moment. Equally, I’ve been designing my new mantras and making new rules.

Out with the old

“No more negative chatter at the office (my colleagues aren’t quite sure what’s going on with me at the moment…) - only constructive, positive words to pass my lips, and even more than that to drown out negative or unsupportive thoughts with my new slogan; ‘I truly love and cherish myself’ – which I know sounds very simple and obvious, but to say it over and over and really mean it proved quite a challenge at the beginning.

“What has changed in my life so far? Immediately, I don’t feel panicked all the time. A kind of calm, warm haze has seemed to ascend over my whole life, both at work and at home. Sex has re-entered my life, which is fabulous! (Sorry, Mike said to be honest with what I wrote!)

“I’m still not where I want to be career wise and in various other areas of life, but now I feel it is possible, whereas before the nagging, sinking feeling I couldn’t quite put my finger on was the belief that it wasn’t possible, that this was my lot and I’d just have to make do with it. Now I know that’s not the case, and with that in mind the journey ahead looks a lot more exciting.”

Over to Mike

The simple truth was that Sarah didn’t believe in Sarah. She was effective and successful in her life – but if that had been enough she wouldn’t have been coaching with me. She wanted more, yet believed she couldn’t get it.

Does any of that apply to you?

I asked Sarah to suspend disbelief and imagine herself as a free and vibrant soul, then to brainstorm what she might like to do, but with one important proviso – she couldn’t fail. If you were to make a similar list, what would it include? It can be as wild and crazy as you’d like, since the purpose at this point is to learn to dream again, and as Fiona often reminds us all, to DREAM BIG!!

So, what do you want to do… rollerblade around Africa, glide over beautiful green fields in a hot air balloon, have tea at Ritz, write a best seller? Make a good long list, at least one side of A4.

Sarah’s list included:

• Visit my sister in Australia
• Take flying lessons
• Swim with dolphins
• Write a best selling thriller
• Tell David I love him, whilst having dinner in the snazziest restaurant in LA
• Organise a great family get together on a fabulous sunshine holiday
• Learn Spanish
• Take photos of my favourite wildlife that get published in magazines
• Join a gym, get fit again, drop a dress size and drive David wild!

“Whether you believe you can or you cannot, you’re probably right”
Henry T Ford

Your Turn

What do you believe? Work through my top tips below and seize the moment to begin upgrading your beliefs. Holding on to negative self beliefs equals an uphill struggle.

Whereas positive, self image really does mean that the world really is your oyster. Decide today.

Five Top Tips to Upgrade Your Self-Belief

1. What do you believe about your life?

2. Rate each belief out of 10: 10 being that they are absolutely supportive, 5 that they just ‘exist’ but are not that useful, and 0 meaning that they are completely damaging to your life.

3. If each belief were a perfect 10 how would it affect you?

4. For each negative belief you come up with, what would be the polar opposite, making sure it is stated in the positive, present tense (as if it’s already happening)?

5. Adopt 3 new positive beliefs from this list and make them your mantras for the next week, meaning you will say them to yourself everyday at least 50 times each – in the shower, walking to the station, taking the bus, doing the shopping, daydreaming, nodding off to sleep at night (it’s easier than you think). The point is these new, positive beliefs will become your new, upgraded self talk – version 2005!