Linda's Story

Linda’s story is one that unfolded during the early part of our coaching sessions. As she tells us below, her uncomfortable relationship with her mother was quietly impacting every area of her life.

As a result of the strategies she learned during our sessions together, Linda now has a renewed and loving relationship with her mother, is far more confident in herself and in her high powered job and is changing her image to reflect the successful and confident woman she is.

When I first started working with Francine one of my main areas of concern was that I didn’t really feel comfortable with myself and how others perceived me. This mainly revolved around my relationship with my Mum.

For years if there was something which Mum and I could fall out about we would. I am the eldest of 5 and had grown up having to share the caring of my brothers and sisters.

As we grew up I always felt that she favoured the others over me. She took time to visit them and their families. She rang my sister daily and regularly went on shopping trips with her.

When I did see my Mum she would talk about my siblings and their families and it hurt me that she never asked what me and my family were doing. I took this to mean that she didn’t care about us in the same way.

Stopped Communicating…

I stopped telling my mum about good things that happened to my and my family like promotions, passing exams etc. I would always tell my sister and let her tell Mum. I though that Mum didn’t care about me and disapproved of me. So I didn’t include Mum in my celebrations because I thought she would view me as boasting.

Ultimately, I couldn’t talk to my Mum. I didn’t ring her, she didn’t ring me. I made myself believe that I was living life my way to values, which I had built for myself.

When I began coaching with Francine, I shared these feelings with her.

Strategies

I learned several things in the course of the sessions. Using a listening strategy that Francine showed me, I learned that I was making up in my own mind that my mums behaviour and actions meant that she did not love or approve of me.

For instance it never occurred to me that Mum didn’t ring me because she knew I was always busy and didn’t want to disturb me. I began to understand that I didn’t really know why my mum was the way she was and my response was probably making her feel unwelcome.

Francine gave some fabulous strategies to help me understand my fixed perspectives about the situation and also some wonderful communication skills to help me listen to my mum.

As I began to understand my self more I began to realise that my Mum had actually given me a very special gift. Because I helped mum to by looking after my siblings, she had instilled family values in me since I was a child. The thing I value most in my life now is ‘Family’ and this is also what she values most. I realised that the gift my Mum gave me was that she enabled me to be the mother that I am to my children and I have a fantastic relationship with them.

It made me sad to think that my Mum and I didn’t have the same relationship. I love my Mum and admire her. When I realised this, Francine tasked me to speak with my Mum using the skills I had learned, to tell her how I felt and to try and build our relationship.

It wasn’t easy, I was afraid my Mum would think I was ‘just being silly’ and would not want to talk to me about these things.

Starting To Talk

I called around for coffee and gently started to talk about how I wished she would phone me and call around. I was surprised at how easy it was to talk to her and sure enough she told me that she didn’t call often or pop round, because she knows how hard I work, and she didn’t want to intrude on my time at home.

We had both misinterpreted each others needs.

Since then I have started seeing my Mum at least once a week and talking to her on the phone at least twice a week. Once a month we go out for lunch, just the two of us.

I hadn’t realised, however, how much like her I am and that I actually strive to be like her. In fact part of my five-year plan is to work part-time and look after my grandchildren, when they finally arrive, which is what my Mum does now.

Love

The highlight of all of this came in August when I took her out for lunch two days before Mum’s birthday with my youngest daughter.

We were walking through Debenhams looking at clothes when suddenly my Mum stopped in the middle of the store, put her arms around me, gave me the biggest hug and said ‘I love you so much and I’m so proud of you. All I want is for you to come and see me and spend time with me.’

We both cried whilst my daughter was rushing around trying to catch the moment on her mobile phone camera!

Since then my relationship with my Mum continues to grow and the impact this has had on how I feel about my myself and about everyone in my life has changed in so many ways. I have lost 8lbs, confronted situations at work with confidence and I continue to use everything I have learned in my coaching sessions to build great relationships with everyone around me.

Linda