Get out of your rut

At 54, Elaine appears to have it all. She lives in a beautiful cottage deep in the English countryside with her retired husband and she sees her 2 grown-up children regularly.

She has great friends, is active in the local amateur dramatics society and a writer’s group. On top of that she spends a lot of time in Italy at their other home in Tuscany.

But, she feels unfulfilled and dissatisfied with life:

“Yes I am in a deep, deep rut!I was engaged (to husband David) at 17 and I have hardly worked all my life except for a short while in an insurance office before I was married.

I have been a stay at home wife and mother and while people say to me, well that is fulfilling, I have this deep void and pain inside me because I feel as though I have never known what it is like to be a success myself.

I would like to be helped to think that it isn’t too late to do something about it and be offered suggestions as to how to achieve my dream whatever it is!”

Comfort Zone

Elaine reminds us a rut can lurk underneath even the most comfortable lifestyle. Indeed, such comfort can add to the unease, as we are likely to feel guilty and critical of our dissatisfaction, appreciating how fortunate we are compared to many others.

On top of that, Elaine is ambitious! And, an unexpressed ambition is a terrible burden to live with, which no amount of material comfort can assuage.

In fact, I would say that feeling stuck in a rut is a sure indication of an ambitious person failing to express that ambition.

Ambition

Elaine was shocked when I suggested she was an ambitious person. She has been a full-time wife and mother all her life and had never thought to factor in her ambitions and aspirations into family life.

No-one has stopped her. She simply always put everyone else first, feeling it would have been “totally selfish” to take time out to study English Literature at University or go to Art College.

Helping out in her husband’s business and being a busy “corporate wife” filled all her time. The fact that she lives with a palpable sense of irritation (she has a skin rash!) is proof of an unexpressed ambition crying out for expression.

Passion

We got to the heart of Elaine’s suppressed desires very quickly; the truth is often just below the surface. Elaine’s great ambition and passion is to be a novelist.

Her lifelong love is writing and she already has a full novel almost finished! Seeing her own novel published would give her a feeling of success that she feels cannot come from anywhere else. This would allow her to shine for herself, in her own eyes.

Once we had identified what success looked like to Elaine, we looked at her self-doubt and lack of confidence. Then we came up with a practical plan to carve out 2 hours a day writing time to get the novel ready to be shown to an agent and publisher.

Break Out! Five Tips To Get Out Of A Rut

1. Define Success

It’s vital to know what your idea of success is. You need to know what being out of a rut looks like. How will you know when you are successful?

Take pen and paper and make a list under this heading: Success to me is…

List at least 5 options and asterisk the 2 strongest.

2. What Do You Really Want?

Choose one option that means the most to you and decide to do something about it. All change begins with a decision. Make today the day that you break out of your rut by deciding to, admitting what you want and being prepared to do something about it.

Spend at least 30 minutes thinking what this would look like and how you could begin to do something about it. Make a plan.

3. Handle Your Greatest Critic

Your greatest opponent is you. No-one can do as much damage to your self-image and self-confidence as you. And, as soon as you start thinking big, your greatest critic will emerge.

Write down this heading and list at least 10 answers: My most limiting belief about myself is…

You may be able to spot the source of your limiting belief, but the important thing is to stop letting it hold you back. Begin to replace the most destructive beliefs by more productive ones. For example, “I’m not good enough” can become, “I am good enough to do what I want/make my life work/make this happen/make money.”

Use the Bach Flower Remedies to uplift your morale. These are wonderful, easily available in a high street chemist and inexpensive. My “get- out- of- a rut” combination is: larch for self-confidence, centaury for self-expression and gentian for enthusiasm.  Follow the instructions on the bottle and take for at least a month.

4. Take Yourself Seriously

Only you can decide that your happiness and fulfilment are important. If you’ve been raised to always put others first, you may feel prioritising your own ambitions is selfish.

Grasp that your happiness is your responsibility: no-one can provide it for you.

Grasp also, that you deserve it. Repeat often, “I deserve to be happy, I deserve to be fulfilled.” There’s nothing attractive about being a martyr, so carve out time and energy to fuel your desires and dreams. Additionally, a happy, fulfilled person is more fun to be around than a frustrated, unhappy one!

5. Get Support

If you can afford it, hire your own coach. Otherwise, find 3 other dynamic individuals and form your own Success Group.

Meet once a week or fortnightly and give each other 20 minutes of focused listening and feedback to motivate and move you forwards.  This sort of camaraderie and support is invaluable, especially if it’s been missing from your life, or you are always the one providing it for others.

Go on. Don’t let yourself down. Go for it!